This is bullshit.

i have a job interview in an hour.  I don't remember dreading anything this much in my life.  not even the dentist's office.  My stomach is churning.  I don't want this job. or this town. or this life.  I feel like a fake in a three-piece suit and am fighting the urge to just take off and drive as far away as I can.  I never asked for this shit.  I can't be one of the masses or at least not 4 months after just turning 21.  I don't even feel like an American.  How am I ever supposed to enjoy living the american dream?  My body is shaking. I have never had this strong of an urge not to do something before in my life.  If one more person tells me to just stick it out and get through it, I'll hurl.  I feel so sick after every "how-to-prepare-for-your-interview" meeting or "how to get a job" seminar.  I want to teach, but not stuck in a high school that doesn't want me with kids that don't need me.  That's not teaching. It's babysitting, and I didn't go through four years of study to babysit.  

If you know me now, please pay your respects.  I'm not going to be me for much longer. The old jennica is being replaced by new-and-improved, agrees-with-everything-you-say, happy-to-be-here, shut up, sit down, Ms. Huscher. If everything goes according to their plan, you won't even be able to pick me out of a crowd soon.  

i can't say i didn't try but I can only yell so loud against this roar.  And i'm done yelling now. 

i think student teaching is making me a mean person.  

i've never yelled at this many people in my life.  

and i hate everything.

so do i quit and try to find myself again or stay in it just for the degree and become a bitch just like everybody else...

i seriously considered checking myself into a mental institution today. seriously.

weird things today everyone:

-i didn't know i could wear jeans to school for a work day. poo.

-my nurse chewed me out for not taking my medicine regularly. she even called me honey.

-i was at a meeting with a whole bunch of ESL teachers. in a museum. with a buffalo.

-i saw someone cry today that i didn't know had tear ducts.

-i got something in my eye. right after having snow thrown. at my foot. in my house.

-wearing glasses, i decided to cut an onion.  it hurt so bad i was covering my eyes and chopping blindly at what i thought was an onion.

-i thought about investing stock in tupperware today.

-after writing a most impressive and huge to do list. i decided to watch weeds online.

-someone tried to tell me that i didn't sound american. i gave them an american high five.

-i stole honey packets from a restaurant yesterday.  today i used them in tea at the museum meeting. they were in my coat pocket.

-i forgot how to drive to work this morning.

-i only ate one smarties. i usually eat three.

-i mysteriously found a bunch of pecan cinnamon rolls in my kitchen. i did not make these.

-i reached into my bag to find my glasses (see above) and i slit my middle finger across my razor. now i'm missing 8 layers of skin and cant' get over how super wrinkly my lips feel when i rub by finger across them.

-i took my passport to work today on accident. 

-i tripped on carpet.

-i got second place in an essay contest i half-heartedly entered 6 months ago. now i get fifty dollars for it.

-kaitlin purchased me a ben folds concert for more money than i had. now i have the money. 

-i didn't wear any jewelry today. not any. i know that doesn't sound weird, but for me, it is.

-and it's only 7:38.  i'm almost afraid to get up and continue on with today.

much love

jen

as always, no real time to post much.  and this time is for real - my car is even running :)

today is the second to last trip i have to make to lincoln, and the last time i have to drive - which is good because i am getting sick of this daily commute back and forth!  went to a meeting about the GRE yesterday and even though they were trying to scare the pants off of us, i somehow maintained a positive attitude, which is a big deal for me, my nickname being negative nancy...

still not sure about the GRE or grad school but i'm excited to look around and see if anything catches my interest.  there are so many things i want to do! i just don't know what order they will be done in :)

finally, after 4 weeks of student teaching, im getting the hang of it. barely.

i am still learning so many new things every day.  thank goodness i journal so i can keep track of all of it!  

more later.

also, I TALKED TO THE ONE AND ONLY BETHANY DAVIS LAST NIGHT!!! it totally made my....week, at least :)  

and - supper with beloved lindsay tonight :) happy things are happening.

AND, i got to see nora and drew and elise last night! hoorah! and they fed me and entertained me :)  gotta love family, especially when they're as awesome as teddy and nora and the kids.  

also got to see the crew.  and it was, as always, wonderful.  they give good hugs. seriously.  

and now i'm late :)