I realize that I have absolutely no idea who if anyone reads this, and I'm not sure if that's to my benefit or not as far as my choice of what I post and what I keep to myself.
Garrett and I broke up last night; or I guess this morning. It still seems so surreal, like I was watching it happen to someone else and then I woke up with this sick feeling and it all came rushing back. It happened to me. We dated for three months, and I'm so glad that we did. I learned a ton and had so many good memories, but breaking up always sucks, no matter the circumstance. The fact that I'm sick adds such a complicated and crooked twist to everything. It's the red food coloring that someone dropped into my glass of water and I'm doing everything I can to keep from moving, keep from letting it spread, letting it get to every part of me, and I'm failing. I know it's just physical but it effects so much more than that. And I know that life is complicated and things don't always make sense, but that doesn't keep me from wishing that they would.
This entire semester feels like some little midget bastard ran up behind me and nunchucked me behind my knees and then ran away laughing. Everything has taken me so off gaurd and been so completely different than what I expected, many cases for the worse. Life runs that way I guess. At least it keeps me from trying to plan too far in advance.
I'm moving to Chicago in 9 months... No idea where I'll stay or where I'll student teach or work or anything really. I just know that that's my next bold move. Everything will be blurry for a while here this semester yet, and I'm ok with that. Life gets so much simpler when you're facing challenges. I'm grateful; it helps me realize what's really important and what's not worth getting stressed or anxious about (like the paper I have due today that I haven't started). Summer is still vague to me...but so are the next five minutes at this point. I'm assuming I'll stay in Lincoln if for no other reasone than we have this place rented until June 19th. After that, no idea. I have a job the last three weeks of summer; I have summer school the first three weeks. That leaves an awkward chunk in the middle with which I'd love to do nothing but lie on the beach, go boating and camping, and learn to garden. I somehow don't see it rolling out that way though, not if my midget has anything to say about it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
hopsital, hospital, oh how i love thee
So i'm in the hospital.
again.
Went to the e.r. saterday morning early - john mark took me (what a sweetie!) i got an i.v. and some other drugs, left in a few hours feeling better with a script for some sweet narcotics (again). Mom drove up from Norfolk like a good mom and took care of me all day - made me go home with her, which i'm actually grateful for - when you're that sick you don't really want to be anywhere but home. Dad left for india yesterday- it was great to see him and have some time to chill with him, even if it was at 2 in the morning when i got sick...again. We had a great talk though, and it was almost worth it to be able to connect with him - we don't get to very often any more with how busy we both are and what better time than in the middle of the night the day before he leaves for india?!?
After dropping him off at the airport, mom and i mosied over to the e.r. in omahaas my pain level was right there next to "for the love of all things holy" and checked me in. After quite a bit of morphine and some other things, (tests, tests, and more tests-ultrasound, cat scan, x-rays) they decided to admit me since i wasn't able to stand not being on pain meds for more than 15 minutes. So, here i am, in the hospital, again.
I'm on iv steroids and morphine still, but i'm feeling way way better, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm sick and as soon as i'm off this i.v. i'll probably be as sick as i was before. Waiting for the doctor to give us a plan of some kind for when they let me out of here (whenever that is)
i'm trying not to be pessimistic but i did this two months ago and nothing changed. You never see yourself getting to this point in life - getting so sick that your disease controls you - tells you what you can and can't do, what you can and can't eat (in my case, no food, ever. haha) i feel like someone else is in complete control of my life and that's such a scary and helpless feeling. I'm too tired and pissed to try and fight right now, we'll just see what the doctor says i guess.
10 things i hate about hospitals
10. they smell funny
9. i.v.s are no fun, and they have to go with you everywhere and that's just annoying
8. "can i get your vitals?" every 30 minutes
7. everything is tan or white (no wonder people are sick here)
6. the food (if i was even allowed to eat it)
5. the clock - i swear it moves slower than normal time
4. being stuck on a bed
3. not knowing what the crap is going on
2. gown. 'nuf said
1. knowing that i'm sick enough i actually need to be here
again.
Went to the e.r. saterday morning early - john mark took me (what a sweetie!) i got an i.v. and some other drugs, left in a few hours feeling better with a script for some sweet narcotics (again). Mom drove up from Norfolk like a good mom and took care of me all day - made me go home with her, which i'm actually grateful for - when you're that sick you don't really want to be anywhere but home. Dad left for india yesterday- it was great to see him and have some time to chill with him, even if it was at 2 in the morning when i got sick...again. We had a great talk though, and it was almost worth it to be able to connect with him - we don't get to very often any more with how busy we both are and what better time than in the middle of the night the day before he leaves for india?!?
After dropping him off at the airport, mom and i mosied over to the e.r. in omahaas my pain level was right there next to "for the love of all things holy" and checked me in. After quite a bit of morphine and some other things, (tests, tests, and more tests-ultrasound, cat scan, x-rays) they decided to admit me since i wasn't able to stand not being on pain meds for more than 15 minutes. So, here i am, in the hospital, again.
I'm on iv steroids and morphine still, but i'm feeling way way better, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm sick and as soon as i'm off this i.v. i'll probably be as sick as i was before. Waiting for the doctor to give us a plan of some kind for when they let me out of here (whenever that is)
i'm trying not to be pessimistic but i did this two months ago and nothing changed. You never see yourself getting to this point in life - getting so sick that your disease controls you - tells you what you can and can't do, what you can and can't eat (in my case, no food, ever. haha) i feel like someone else is in complete control of my life and that's such a scary and helpless feeling. I'm too tired and pissed to try and fight right now, we'll just see what the doctor says i guess.
10 things i hate about hospitals
10. they smell funny
9. i.v.s are no fun, and they have to go with you everywhere and that's just annoying
8. "can i get your vitals?" every 30 minutes
7. everything is tan or white (no wonder people are sick here)
6. the food (if i was even allowed to eat it)
5. the clock - i swear it moves slower than normal time
4. being stuck on a bed
3. not knowing what the crap is going on
2. gown. 'nuf said
1. knowing that i'm sick enough i actually need to be here
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I'm already slacking on keeping this up to date but here it goes.
Chicago rocked. I loved every minute of it (well, almost every minute). Rachel was even cooler than Kaitlin described her to be and the Missy Higgins concert was amazing as expected. I even managed to spend less money than I thought I would, of course it helped that we left early Sunday morning... I still can't decide if the trip was restful or not; I got a lot of sleep but we did a lot of stuff and spending eight hours in a car both ways is exhausting in and of itself. It was great to see Mike though - every time I see him it's always so bittersweet because it's never enough time - I wish he lived closer but I'm so grateful for the amazing friends and community that he has there. He's very lucky.
I'm beginning work on my honors thesis. That is one of the scariest, most grown-up things I think I've ever tried to do. I'm scared but excited. If everybody else had to do one, they can't be that hard (right?!). I'm doing some research on dual language education (bilingual schools) in Omaha. Should be shway. I just hope I have enough time to dedicate to it to actually come up with something brilliant or at least comprehensible.
Shoot. This is why I should blog more often. I can't remember anything but Chicago and yesterday.
Spring break will be a bust this year, but that's ok with me. I'm way behind on nutr 131 online lectures, and what better to do on spring break than homework... sick. I'll spend a couple days home with mom while dad's gone, that should be good - my laundry is overdue anyway :) And I haven't seen the transformation of our house yet!
Still sick, nothing new there. I can't actually tell if Im getting sicker or if I'm just getting used to being this sick. Either way, that's just depressing. The last time I weighed this much was over 4 years ago... I'm gonna be really pissed if I have to buy new pants. I like my pants. and who wants to wear a belt every day?? not i sir, not i. I miss going to the rec most - well, actually I miss standing up straight the most, but after that I miss going to the rec and being able to DO things. I take that for granted. Jenn's training for the marathon and she ran 15 miles yesterday. I ate a bowl of cream of wheat yesterday... Maybe we balance each other out haha
more lata
Chicago rocked. I loved every minute of it (well, almost every minute). Rachel was even cooler than Kaitlin described her to be and the Missy Higgins concert was amazing as expected. I even managed to spend less money than I thought I would, of course it helped that we left early Sunday morning... I still can't decide if the trip was restful or not; I got a lot of sleep but we did a lot of stuff and spending eight hours in a car both ways is exhausting in and of itself. It was great to see Mike though - every time I see him it's always so bittersweet because it's never enough time - I wish he lived closer but I'm so grateful for the amazing friends and community that he has there. He's very lucky.
I'm beginning work on my honors thesis. That is one of the scariest, most grown-up things I think I've ever tried to do. I'm scared but excited. If everybody else had to do one, they can't be that hard (right?!). I'm doing some research on dual language education (bilingual schools) in Omaha. Should be shway. I just hope I have enough time to dedicate to it to actually come up with something brilliant or at least comprehensible.
Shoot. This is why I should blog more often. I can't remember anything but Chicago and yesterday.
Spring break will be a bust this year, but that's ok with me. I'm way behind on nutr 131 online lectures, and what better to do on spring break than homework... sick. I'll spend a couple days home with mom while dad's gone, that should be good - my laundry is overdue anyway :) And I haven't seen the transformation of our house yet!
Still sick, nothing new there. I can't actually tell if Im getting sicker or if I'm just getting used to being this sick. Either way, that's just depressing. The last time I weighed this much was over 4 years ago... I'm gonna be really pissed if I have to buy new pants. I like my pants. and who wants to wear a belt every day?? not i sir, not i. I miss going to the rec most - well, actually I miss standing up straight the most, but after that I miss going to the rec and being able to DO things. I take that for granted. Jenn's training for the marathon and she ran 15 miles yesterday. I ate a bowl of cream of wheat yesterday... Maybe we balance each other out haha
more lata
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
