i did end up going home this weekend - it was pretty good. got some down time with the 'rents, watched some good movies, read a lot, and just plain hung out. mom did a wedding while i was home and dad got asked to do a funeral. it was then that i realized that my parents really aren't normal - in a good way. they make me seem almost normal sometimes. had a BLAST with kaitlin (as always). i wish she lived in the same town as me. stupid omaha. had a sweet bonfire at josh's - it was good to see his family too. i love those boys...
and i got to drive the mini cooper around town! felt like i was driving a go kart. i think i'll buy one with the exhorbant amount of money i'll make when i get my teaching certificate. swam twice this week - it feels better and better every time i go and i think i'm getting more and more energy too. i finished a million little pieces and wolfcry, so i'm on to the final in the series. i'll be sad to finish it - i feel like i've invested so much in it haha i know they're just books but i'm a nerd. american gods just took a turn for the wierd - but it's still good.
wrote two songs this week on the piano. well, they're not songs really, just melodies with strings of words. they've got a ways to go before they're done but it felt good to vent.
turns out our lease isn't up until july 31 (what the ?) so i guess we're not moving twice after all. which is good and bad... i was looking forward to the change but it would've been a pain to move twice. i guess it's better this way and even if it's not really i'll say that it is. two more months - it's not that long. jm might still be in his place when we move in. that will be interesting fo' sho.
i went to norsports... it was like going back to when i was 14. i can still hit 7 out of 10 on the fast pitch...right and left handed. life is still good.
and i think i'm addicted to raman
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
another week...
summer school started monday and it's not half bad. it's only three hours a day and i journal through most of it so it's bearable. i'm actually learning on occasion too... wierd huh. it's nutrition 100 so for now it's all about what are you eating, are you exercising... etc... i'm actually glad for the accountability. i rode my new sweet bike to school wednesday and it was just as hard and sucky as i thought it would be haha it wouldn't have been half bad but i had to ride home too. it took me 30 minutes to get there but i wasn't booking it or anything. we'll see if i decide to do that again next week - my bum was pretty sore :) i swam with lindsay today. i don't know why i wasn't born a mermaid. everything makes so much more sense the minute i'm underwater. swam a 900 which isn't bad considering i haven't swam in months. i'm going to try to swim a 1,000 twice next week but we'll see. - anyone up for a swim with me?!?! swimming just feels so good, everything about it. it's rhythmic, soothing, calming, i just wish my ears weren't so angry at the chlorine water all the time.
still reading "extremely loud and incredible close" aloud at night with jenn- it's been fun. i have to read though cuz if she does i fall asleep - which isn't a bad thing except then i have to catch up the next day before we read together again haha. also still reading "a million little pieces" even though it got all that hype for being not real - it's still a good book i think. i'm halfway through it so we'll see how much longer that takes me. it depends on if i start reading any tozer, which i think i might.
i also think i might come home this weekend question mark? kaitlin's there, and it's memorial day. i might as well, right? i'm being an extra in a movie tomorrow but after that...why not? i don't know when i'll be able to go home next so i might as well.
been listening to iron and wine a ton this week - especially boy with a coin. if you haven't heard it or seen the video, please do so now.
down to 20 mg of the drugs... i've got 10 days then i'll go down again. according to previous attempts i'll get sick in 20 to 30 days. we'll see. i'm hoping it'll be different this time. it has to be. i can't live like this. it's not living at all. i haven't been myself since january... i can't be myself on these drugs. i looked up the side affects of prednisone - one of them is "innappropriate happiness" i kid you not. i know that sounds awesome but i'd rather be appropriately happy. exreme mood swings and inability to sleep are also side affects that suck. i'm just ready to be off this freakin roller coaster. i want to be in charge of when and why i'm happy. i feel like someone else is in charge of my life, i'm just a puppet... and there's nothing i can do about it for another 40 days... ugh. i'm getting there, slowly but surely. i will get off of these drugs by myself without any trips to the er and i will live a normal life. and i will choose when i'm happy on my own terms :)
summer school started monday and it's not half bad. it's only three hours a day and i journal through most of it so it's bearable. i'm actually learning on occasion too... wierd huh. it's nutrition 100 so for now it's all about what are you eating, are you exercising... etc... i'm actually glad for the accountability. i rode my new sweet bike to school wednesday and it was just as hard and sucky as i thought it would be haha it wouldn't have been half bad but i had to ride home too. it took me 30 minutes to get there but i wasn't booking it or anything. we'll see if i decide to do that again next week - my bum was pretty sore :) i swam with lindsay today. i don't know why i wasn't born a mermaid. everything makes so much more sense the minute i'm underwater. swam a 900 which isn't bad considering i haven't swam in months. i'm going to try to swim a 1,000 twice next week but we'll see. - anyone up for a swim with me?!?! swimming just feels so good, everything about it. it's rhythmic, soothing, calming, i just wish my ears weren't so angry at the chlorine water all the time.
still reading "extremely loud and incredible close" aloud at night with jenn- it's been fun. i have to read though cuz if she does i fall asleep - which isn't a bad thing except then i have to catch up the next day before we read together again haha. also still reading "a million little pieces" even though it got all that hype for being not real - it's still a good book i think. i'm halfway through it so we'll see how much longer that takes me. it depends on if i start reading any tozer, which i think i might.
i also think i might come home this weekend question mark? kaitlin's there, and it's memorial day. i might as well, right? i'm being an extra in a movie tomorrow but after that...why not? i don't know when i'll be able to go home next so i might as well.
been listening to iron and wine a ton this week - especially boy with a coin. if you haven't heard it or seen the video, please do so now.
down to 20 mg of the drugs... i've got 10 days then i'll go down again. according to previous attempts i'll get sick in 20 to 30 days. we'll see. i'm hoping it'll be different this time. it has to be. i can't live like this. it's not living at all. i haven't been myself since january... i can't be myself on these drugs. i looked up the side affects of prednisone - one of them is "innappropriate happiness" i kid you not. i know that sounds awesome but i'd rather be appropriately happy. exreme mood swings and inability to sleep are also side affects that suck. i'm just ready to be off this freakin roller coaster. i want to be in charge of when and why i'm happy. i feel like someone else is in charge of my life, i'm just a puppet... and there's nothing i can do about it for another 40 days... ugh. i'm getting there, slowly but surely. i will get off of these drugs by myself without any trips to the er and i will live a normal life. and i will choose when i'm happy on my own terms :)
Friday, May 16, 2008
summer
Summer is here and I am so grateful. I can tell my body is slowly beginning to adjust to the calm and serenity but it did take me a while to breathe and slow down. I spent a week at home in Norfolk with my parents which was nice- picked up a sweet purple mountain bike for 20 bucks too. I also got to see a lot of friends I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve still got a day or two of freedom before summer school starts so I’m trying to make the best of it (which means I’m cooking, playing piano, reading, and thrift store shopping) I’m still in the middle of Peter Pan but I’ve started a series of young adult fantasy novels (not my usual I know) but they are actually pretty good. I’m on the third in a series of five. The first is called hawksong, if you’re interested. It’s good stuff, even if you’re not into weird fantasy, which I’m not…
I met with Dr. Moeller about my honors thesis and left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed but excited at the same time. I feel like I’m just jumping into the deep end but I don’t know how else to do it. It’s going to be a really cool project, I’m just wondering when it is that I will actually be able to do all the work!! I’ll take te research citi test Monday and then hopefully get started on the beginning phases of reading up on it and learning how to grade the tests using the rubrics. I should explain… I’ll be working on identifying factors that influence writing in the foreign language classroom, so I’ve got to learn to grade writing samples from students with one, two, three, and four years of foreign language and then enter this into a database and determine the common variables of students with superior writing abilities. Doubt that sounds exciting to you, but I think it’s pretty schway and am pumped about getting some hands on experienee working with dr. moeller.
Got trained with region V systems this week, I should be getting a child to mentor in the next week(s)..depending on what comes up. I’m excited about it…but I wish I would’ve started sooner, since I’m only in Lincoln for 8 more months. Wow that’s not long at all. Crap.
Helped bethy move to Omaha yesterday… bittersweet to see her go. It has been so much fun having her right next door, I’m really going to miss that. Jenn and I are only here a month longer though…I’m excited to move too, but it will be sad moving away from teddy and Nora. It’s been great having them only 10 blocks away!! I’m sure I’ll still keep up my visits for laundry, free food, and sewing help. Tomorrow Nora is going to help me set up my sewing machine so I can get to work on the quilt she’s helping me with and so I can sew john mark his pirate pillow cases. She’s pretty much best aunt ever… Living closer to downtown will be a plus though, as will be paying 125 a month rent for a while haha.
I’ve decided to give my body one more chance to heal itself before I try this new remicade… I’m just not ready to throw in the towel yet, not that taking remicade would be, but I just want to see if I can pull through this on my own. I really think I can now that I have so much off of my back with the semester over. I can’t decide if it’s just naïve of me to keep trying or if it’s me just knowing my body and what it can and can’t do. I guess we’ll find out. I’ve got… let’s see…at least a couple weeks left to get off of the steroids. It’s going to come down the last couple days…that’s when I’ve gotten sick the last four times. At least it will still be summer and I might even have a couple weeks with no steroids to adjust before school starts again in the fall! Wouldn’t that be amazing… no steroids… I can’t wait!!! I don’t mind all the extra adrenaline that they give me but they make me so strange. I just am not myself…I haven’t been since late January. I’m always jumpy and anxious and that’s not me.
I’m going to try and dedicate more of this summer to my music. I’ll let you know how that goes.. not sure if that means I’ll be writing a lot more or just improving what I’ve already written or just learning some songs I’ve been wanting to know for a while –some ani difranco, coldplay, ben folds… we’ll see. I’m without internet for the next four weeks so I won’t waste nearly as much time as I normally do I hope! I’ll just be making frequent stops to mo java and the mill until we move p.s. what are you doing the week of june 19th? Helping me move?? Why thank you so much! Haha I’ll probably just take a box over to jeremy’s every day from now until then so I don’t have to do it all at once.
What a silly blog this is.
I met with Dr. Moeller about my honors thesis and left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed but excited at the same time. I feel like I’m just jumping into the deep end but I don’t know how else to do it. It’s going to be a really cool project, I’m just wondering when it is that I will actually be able to do all the work!! I’ll take te research citi test Monday and then hopefully get started on the beginning phases of reading up on it and learning how to grade the tests using the rubrics. I should explain… I’ll be working on identifying factors that influence writing in the foreign language classroom, so I’ve got to learn to grade writing samples from students with one, two, three, and four years of foreign language and then enter this into a database and determine the common variables of students with superior writing abilities. Doubt that sounds exciting to you, but I think it’s pretty schway and am pumped about getting some hands on experienee working with dr. moeller.
Got trained with region V systems this week, I should be getting a child to mentor in the next week(s)..depending on what comes up. I’m excited about it…but I wish I would’ve started sooner, since I’m only in Lincoln for 8 more months. Wow that’s not long at all. Crap.
Helped bethy move to Omaha yesterday… bittersweet to see her go. It has been so much fun having her right next door, I’m really going to miss that. Jenn and I are only here a month longer though…I’m excited to move too, but it will be sad moving away from teddy and Nora. It’s been great having them only 10 blocks away!! I’m sure I’ll still keep up my visits for laundry, free food, and sewing help. Tomorrow Nora is going to help me set up my sewing machine so I can get to work on the quilt she’s helping me with and so I can sew john mark his pirate pillow cases. She’s pretty much best aunt ever… Living closer to downtown will be a plus though, as will be paying 125 a month rent for a while haha.
I’ve decided to give my body one more chance to heal itself before I try this new remicade… I’m just not ready to throw in the towel yet, not that taking remicade would be, but I just want to see if I can pull through this on my own. I really think I can now that I have so much off of my back with the semester over. I can’t decide if it’s just naïve of me to keep trying or if it’s me just knowing my body and what it can and can’t do. I guess we’ll find out. I’ve got… let’s see…at least a couple weeks left to get off of the steroids. It’s going to come down the last couple days…that’s when I’ve gotten sick the last four times. At least it will still be summer and I might even have a couple weeks with no steroids to adjust before school starts again in the fall! Wouldn’t that be amazing… no steroids… I can’t wait!!! I don’t mind all the extra adrenaline that they give me but they make me so strange. I just am not myself…I haven’t been since late January. I’m always jumpy and anxious and that’s not me.
I’m going to try and dedicate more of this summer to my music. I’ll let you know how that goes.. not sure if that means I’ll be writing a lot more or just improving what I’ve already written or just learning some songs I’ve been wanting to know for a while –some ani difranco, coldplay, ben folds… we’ll see. I’m without internet for the next four weeks so I won’t waste nearly as much time as I normally do I hope! I’ll just be making frequent stops to mo java and the mill until we move p.s. what are you doing the week of june 19th? Helping me move?? Why thank you so much! Haha I’ll probably just take a box over to jeremy’s every day from now until then so I don’t have to do it all at once.
What a silly blog this is.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
happy birthday to my old old old brother
there's something unbelievably true about being utterly alone...
i finished this semester, much to my own surprise. it's summer now, and i'm not sure what to do with myself, besides cry, which i guess isn't a bad place to start. oh yeah, and read. i'm on to The Bell Jar, just finished The Kite Runner. i'm loving it so far, but she still has to become mentally insane so we'll see how that turns out. i'm still waiting to hear how i did in a class or two, but i think my gpa will survive this semester with nothing but a little bruise on its ego.
i'm home for a week now, hopefully i'll return with my sanity fully intact. i'm excited to get out of lincoln but i'm not that stoked about norfolk - there's just nothing really there for me besides the company of my parents and the comfort of my house. i have little if any plans for the next 3 months of my life and i'm trying to be ok with that. maybe something will come up, like a trip back to spain... oh wouldn't that be lovely. i think it's just what i need. i always think i need to get away though. and i don't think that's the best way to live your life... i mean, it's ok when you're 20 and single, but getting away is no longer an acceptable way of dealing with your problems when you have a real job and a family. which, could still be quite a while for me. it probably should for my family's sake. besides, i'm finding that whatever i'm running from usually catches up with me at some point or another.
one more year of school left, half of which i hope to spend out of nebraska. and by hope, i mean, i will suffer some kind of deep mental illness if that does not happen. this is the first year i've had summer school since american history my sophomore year of high school. i'm not all that psyched about it, but it will give me the freedom to take only 15 credit hours next semester, and i'm pretty sure i couldn't do more than that. (as well as the freedom to use the rec this summer, which i think will become the closest thing to a getaway in spain as i will have for quite some time.)
had another wonderful visit to the er this weekend... somedays...somedays i feel like i will never know anything but this sickness. somedays i can't see anything but my disease. it envelops every part of who i am. my body follows the commands of my illness and i cannot escape it. somedays that's ok, but other days i feel like i'm trapped. i hate feeling trapped. that's the thing about this sickness... i can't run away from it. or at least haven't found a way to yet...
homeward bound. if you're going to be in norfolk as well, lemme know so we can sit and discuss the meaning of life or why it is that you can be in a room full of people and still feel like the only person who is alive in the whole world.
all my love
jen
p.s. happy birthday to you sir, john mark. as your birthday present, i will not hold a grudge against you for not being at your house this morning at 7am when we were supposed to go to lincoln east so i could observe you again even though i could have slept in instead of waking up in a rush at a very early time. i love you, sir.
i finished this semester, much to my own surprise. it's summer now, and i'm not sure what to do with myself, besides cry, which i guess isn't a bad place to start. oh yeah, and read. i'm on to The Bell Jar, just finished The Kite Runner. i'm loving it so far, but she still has to become mentally insane so we'll see how that turns out. i'm still waiting to hear how i did in a class or two, but i think my gpa will survive this semester with nothing but a little bruise on its ego.
i'm home for a week now, hopefully i'll return with my sanity fully intact. i'm excited to get out of lincoln but i'm not that stoked about norfolk - there's just nothing really there for me besides the company of my parents and the comfort of my house. i have little if any plans for the next 3 months of my life and i'm trying to be ok with that. maybe something will come up, like a trip back to spain... oh wouldn't that be lovely. i think it's just what i need. i always think i need to get away though. and i don't think that's the best way to live your life... i mean, it's ok when you're 20 and single, but getting away is no longer an acceptable way of dealing with your problems when you have a real job and a family. which, could still be quite a while for me. it probably should for my family's sake. besides, i'm finding that whatever i'm running from usually catches up with me at some point or another.
one more year of school left, half of which i hope to spend out of nebraska. and by hope, i mean, i will suffer some kind of deep mental illness if that does not happen. this is the first year i've had summer school since american history my sophomore year of high school. i'm not all that psyched about it, but it will give me the freedom to take only 15 credit hours next semester, and i'm pretty sure i couldn't do more than that. (as well as the freedom to use the rec this summer, which i think will become the closest thing to a getaway in spain as i will have for quite some time.)
had another wonderful visit to the er this weekend... somedays...somedays i feel like i will never know anything but this sickness. somedays i can't see anything but my disease. it envelops every part of who i am. my body follows the commands of my illness and i cannot escape it. somedays that's ok, but other days i feel like i'm trapped. i hate feeling trapped. that's the thing about this sickness... i can't run away from it. or at least haven't found a way to yet...
homeward bound. if you're going to be in norfolk as well, lemme know so we can sit and discuss the meaning of life or why it is that you can be in a room full of people and still feel like the only person who is alive in the whole world.
all my love
jen
p.s. happy birthday to you sir, john mark. as your birthday present, i will not hold a grudge against you for not being at your house this morning at 7am when we were supposed to go to lincoln east so i could observe you again even though i could have slept in instead of waking up in a rush at a very early time. i love you, sir.
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