california said no.
i think i was hanging on to it too tightly and it became my everything
but God, i wanted it.
so badly.

so, had the procedure in omaha, and guess what? i still have crohn's. it could have been a lot worse, but basically mr. thaddius crohns is a very grumpy fellow. not really sure where to go from here - knowing what the problem is is one thing, fixing it is another... I'm just waiting until my next iv infusion next tuesday to see if that helps. which it will, if for no other reason than i get the morning off of school and i get to sleep extra and be out of it all day with a completely valid excuse. i hope that my arms heal by then - at least one of them, because they're both bruised and sore from ivs.
I feel fine now, but only time will tell what that really means and if I'm actually ok. In any case, I loved getting to spend some time with my parents, both of whom rock. Mom helped me down the disgusting pineapple medicine the night before, and dad drove me back and took me out for supper today. I can't imagine getting through all of this without their support. Mikey was great too - calling to check up, make sure I was ok, hear the results, and make me laugh as always. I get to see him in 6 days, which is of the utmost awesomeness.
I went on a cleaning rampage tonight - well, I tried to go to class, but that really wasn't working out and my teacher told me to go home, I think I was still really drugged up, but I felt fine haha. don't worry, I took the bus.
So instead, I spent the last 2.5 hours cleaning, OCD style. throwing things away, cleaning out drawers, filing papers, color coding my shoes, throwing away pens that don't work. i feel good now, like i can think. and the vacuum cleaner is fixed (thanks dad!).
ok peej is here and i need to catch up
more later
p.s. kaitlin and i are hanging out soon and that makes me so stoked i cannot even explain it!!

this is my 50th post. please mail me a present for congratulations. fruit baskets are highly encouraged.
so, my weekend was interesting to say the least. thursday I ended up in the er with severe pain - yup, you guessed it. crohn's. again. lindsay, my freaking savior, basically carried me to the hospital, trying to inform the nurse why it was that i didn't need a wheelchair (stubborness, mostly) and stayed with the me the majority of thursday night, along with other close friends. As soon as the iv was started and i was given some morphine and could breathe, it was actually a rather enjoyable experience (and not just because of the morphine, though i'm told i was quite entertaining) i am so lucky to have friends who can make me laugh no matter what my circumstance. The kind doctors in the er however also noticed how much fun i was having and decided that to fully enjoy my visit i should stay the night... i finally was released friday early evening (the windows were locked so escaping was not an option) and i feel better.
sidenote - i stayed in the maternity ward and there is a shaken baby video that they show on the hour every hour. i felt like a horrible person and i've never even shaken a baby.
however, because of the awesomeness and severity of this disease, i am due for more tests this week and another iv treatment next week. i can't say that i'm really excited, but i do get to see my parents, and mikey is coming home for thanksgiving, so i don't have that much to complain about.
i will say that the remainder of the weekend made up for the whole hospital nonsense. I had a blast and did 20 minutes of homework. (please note the direct correlation between the amount of fun had and the amount of homework done). guero and I made the most of the craziness that was this weekend, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
I am getting closer and closer to leaving, (45 days!)and that's amazingly wonderful and terribly scary and unbelievably sad at the same time. i love the friends that i have made here over the past four years and part of me will always be with them here, but i will suffocate if i stay here much longer. The good things in life are good because they're rare and i would hate to overstay my welcome here. besides, do you have any idea how amazing the climbing is out in california?!
so then it's still looking like california until june, maybe a trip to india for a month or so, and then spain in September to teach. but, then again, i don't even know what i'm having for supper, so don't hold me to any of that. speaking of supper, i am on nothing but clear liquids tomorrow. jello anyone?
pray that i find time to balance finishing out school well while still finding time to spend with the friends that have become my family here. p.s. if you are one of those friends, let's get together soon. you can bring me jello :)

unsad post

so since half of the point of this blog is to actually say what's going on, here's what's going on. my apologies for the utterly depressing state of the previous couple blogs.
1. i had a freaking blast in wyoming. beginning to end, amazing.
2. san diego is still up in the air, but i will fight to the death for it. i find out november 17th hopefully.
3. honors thesis is slowly strangling me but i'll be so glad to be done with it...if i ever am...done...with it.
4. i haven't had time to climb or swim in forever and it's driving me crazy - the worst part is i don't really see my load lightening up at all until christmas. boo.
5. i have found that because of my busy schedule, i know longer have time to be embarrased or worried about what people think of me. i think that's great.
6. i am absolutely loving ceramics right now. it may or may not be my saving grace. having 6 mandatory hours a week to play with clay... i mean, who wouldn't love that?
7. i would like to find a bible study. mine broke. or at least is taking a break.
8. bethy leaves soon, and i'm trying not to think about it because i don't really have time to cry and because she's not gone yet. i get to see her next weekend and that equals awesome.
9. teddy and nora and drew and elise this weekend. my favorites. ever. - hopefully we can pick up where we left off in the wizard of oz - drew was getting pretty into it and elise just likes to find pictures of dorothy :)
10. listening to "everything is illuminated" in my car. i've already read it but i wanted to hear it. i wish i could drive more places. need any errands run? no...seriously.
11. met with the man in charge of a teaching job in spain - he says i'm pretty much in. starts in september, and i could probably live in or close to bilbao. go team.
12. i am strongly considering the option of traveling to india for six weeks this summer. and my strongly considering i mean i would freaking love to and will do anything i can to make it happen.
13. i'm healthy minus freaky remicade side effects, which suck, but at least i'm not dead.
14. i was observing a sped class yesterday and they were talking about "if i were president.." and the teacher was explaining the tax break and asking students what they would do with a couple extra thousand dollars. the answer? build a secret passageway. duh. what else is there to do?! this is why i want to teach.
15. kaitlin and i had one of the best conversations ever and i can only remember bits and pieces of it - but i wish i'd written it down. speaking of which, skoops, your letter is coming, i promise... i'm just...underwater right now.... haha
hope this helps, ma

please know that i'd like to fill this page with thoughts of you.

"out of the overflow of the heart come the words of the mouth,"
and i've yet to fill my own soul with anything but to-do lists
let alone hold onto another heart
but i'm trying

please know that i really did mean to go today,
to turn in the paper, take the test, meet with the prof, answer all your questions, and eat a balanced meal.
but i've had enough of academia, thanks.

please know that i did mean to call.
all i hear is a busy signal, and you can't hear me screaming.
if it's not happening tomorrow i can't see it. and sometimes even then it's a blur
i skip one to make up another, and at the end of the day i'm still lost,
sitting on my window, inhaling hazy numbness
because it's the only thing that makes sense
please know i don't normally smoke.

please know i love you,
let it be the undertone of all of my actions
despite these coming weeks of autopilot and formalities
i'm addicted to our reality of magnetic words and wood stoves
and i will fight
but please know i'm tired and i'm sorry if i cannot quite reach the finish line