how do i explain this to you so that it makes sense. it doesn't even make sense to me. I'm not sure if I'm me. i mean i don't know what parts of me are really me and what parts are all the drugs and everything else. these aren't side effects like fever or fatigue, these are side effects like paranoia and anxiety. I don't even know which thoughts are mine and which aren't. Everything that i'm feeling, physical and emotional, may not even be me, so is it still real? and how do i tell the difference? and how can i even try and think with this headache? what would be different with my life if it had been pure without all these chemicals and pieces taken and added to me? It's not just like a pill. it's an iv infusion of bits and pieces of other living things infiltrating its way into every part of my being every single 8 weeks. I'm made of so many different things i'm not even sure where i end and they start. I know people say your cells die and you are always being reborn. but at least it's with your own cells and not someone else's. Not saying life would be perfect without all of this, or that i wouldn't go on rants like this, but it would at least be my own life; my own rants.
i can't even explain what it's like to know that you're not you - to question every feeling, every thought, because you're not sure where it came from. and what if you know that you are hallucinating or you are being overly anxious. recognizing the feeling doesn't make it go away, it makes it bigger. some nights it just hits me harder than others and i feel like i'm made up more of medicine than i am of my own flesh and blood. i know that the images runnign through my mind are not my own.
i was one step off all day. maybe i would be like this without the medicine, but part of me knows that i know that i know that it would be so different. it's like those women who, after giving birth to their child in the hospital and the nurses have a mix-up and the woman looks at the child and she knows, she just knows it's not hers. you know your thoughts and your feelings. it's the only things you really get the privelege of knowing while you're alive. and i'm losing that.
i would be more stable, and sleep would come easier. i would lose this insane desire to cut off communication from everyone, even myself. the thought of never speaking another word aloud would not seem nearly as appealing. and i would be able to see a picture without blood crawling in around the edges of it. i could always take more drugs to counteract these, but for some reason that seems like an even worse idea at this point. at least the drugs i'm on now don't have the sole point of changing my soul, my heart, my mind.
since i can only be 100 percent of whatever i am, i feel like with each new iv dose i'm losing more and more of what was me and soon i'll be lucky to recognize myself at all.
even now in writing this i know most of this is the medicine making me question everything, making me go on this writing rant, making me feel like the walls are closing in... like i'm losing pieces of me. and i'll be fine in the morning, but shit it sucks. i'd feel better if i knew that it was just me that felt the walls were closing in. there's not room for anything else in me. there never was supposed to be in the first place.
i'd take fatigue and a fever over this any day.
so what, you say this is all in my head. i know. that's the problem. i'd rather it be anywhere else but inside my own head. it's one of the few places i have that's mine and only mine. this medicine runs through my veins. it's penetrated my core. it feeds my mind, breaks my thoughts in half, clears my slate midway through a sentence, turns 10 minutes into an hour and 10 minutes of which i have no recollection, seeps into my heart and changes the color-coded feelings i had before so now when i go to grab contentedness off the shelf paranoia comes out instead. and they are all lined with a coating of melancholy, which might have been there before, i'm not sure.
i know crohn's disease is a bad deal, but at least it was me, in my own body, dealing with my own pain. but this? this is something completely different. Crohn's is an auto-immune disease where your body attacks itself. adding these medicines has only changed the scenery of the battle.
i'll be fine, i just don't know if i'll be me.