i know the sayings like the back of my hand. Live your dreams. no fear. follow your heart.
but what if you don't know what that looks like?
i need to decide now if i'm headed for academia or become one of the million average who are trying to change the world, many to no avail.
this fulbright scholarship idea is killing me. there is a keyhole through which you must pass in order to really get into the world of academics and research papers and formal language, proper attire, knowing the right people, saving face. and i'm not sure that's what i'm looking for. but if i don't use this to at least try and get a foot up, i'll be just like everyone else who didn't even try. and i don't know if i can handle that.
it's just not what i want to do - it's what some one else thinks i should do who's higher up than me and who has the power to say things like that. partly for their own gain. and i can't blame them. i just refuse to become one of them.
and yes, maybe this is one of those things you have to sit through to get where you really want to be, but what if it's just one more thing in a long line of requirements and loopholes? i can't live my life like that.
yeah, i want a year abroad, but there are other ways to do it.
yeah, i want grad school. but what's the rush? i mean, i know if i don't start i'll never get it done.
but i'm 21.
and i'm scared shitless.
it's a bad sign when every time i think about it i feel tears rush into my eyes...
fulbright means a year away from the ones i love, and a year away from teaching... it would be research, which sucks. but it would be classroom research, which is meaningful and important and somebody should be doing it for the benefit of everyone else.
and what do i do until then? i wouldn't leave for a year and a half. meanwhile... work? for a year? doing what? teaching? what school would hire a teacher they know is leaving in a year.
and what a major let down to do all this hard work for four years straight and then not even get a job doing what i love, what i went to school and put all those hours in for.
not to mention the honors thesis...
somedays i feel like i can't do all this. and i don't even know which parts i want to keep doing.
today is one of those days.
on another note: i student taught my first day today with real kids haha
1. saw 2 white kids all day.
2. spoke more spanish than english.
3. had all my students call me Miss. not because they couldn't remember my name, but because that's what they call every female teacher. i like it.
4. helped break up a fight.
5. toured one of the biggest schools in the state.
6. ate lunch. not in the cafeteria (wierd).
7. found out what teachers really talk about. yup.
8. graded many many papers.
9. read two spanish short stories
10. got an id badge: ms. - no first names here... wierd.
it's a bitch to grow up.
2 comments:
Jenny...you've NEVER just been mediocre. You've always strived for more. I don't know much, but I think you'd regret not taking this opportunity overseas...always wondering if it would've made a difference. Of course the in between is unknown...but you've always been good at ad-lib :) why's this different? haha. I love you so much and can't wait to talk to you SOON!
First of all, I'd like to say thank you for the (even limited) capitalization. I can't tell you how much easier this was to read.
Second, I think that if research doesn't interest you, then you shouldn't go. People are always looking at the prestige of something instead of the enjoyment of it. I include myself in that. If you want to be in the classroom, go to the classroom.
Thirdly, I listened to your CD. Kath left for a few days, and I got out my macbook and garageband to try and do some recording... EPIC FAIL. You are better at this than I am.
-biggest bro.
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