i have a job interview in an hour. I don't remember dreading anything this much in my life. not even the dentist's office. My stomach is churning. I don't want this job. or this town. or this life. I feel like a fake in a three-piece suit and am fighting the urge to just take off and drive as far away as I can. I never asked for this shit. I can't be one of the masses or at least not 4 months after just turning 21. I don't even feel like an American. How am I ever supposed to enjoy living the american dream? My body is shaking. I have never had this strong of an urge not to do something before in my life. If one more person tells me to just stick it out and get through it, I'll hurl. I feel so sick after every "how-to-prepare-for-your-interview" meeting or "how to get a job" seminar. I want to teach, but not stuck in a high school that doesn't want me with kids that don't need me. That's not teaching. It's babysitting, and I didn't go through four years of study to babysit.
If you know me now, please pay your respects. I'm not going to be me for much longer. The old jennica is being replaced by new-and-improved, agrees-with-everything-you-say, happy-to-be-here, shut up, sit down, Ms. Huscher. If everything goes according to their plan, you won't even be able to pick me out of a crowd soon.
i can't say i didn't try but I can only yell so loud against this roar. And i'm done yelling now.
2 comments:
oh Jenny...oh Jenny. i'm not gonna tell you to stick it out and just get through it, but i'm gonna say-Get your freaking degree cuz i know you'd regret it if you came all this way to give it up. Who says you have to USE it right away? You're not stuck...there's plenty of options. just because you get interviewed doesn't tie you to that job forever. I love you. Don't settle...find an adventure. You're too young to be old.
Why are your blog posts always the most intense thing I've ever read?
Just go into the interview and be honest. You'll be doing yourself and the school admins a huge favor. Just be like, "Look, I'm going to punch your students in the face with my Spanish fist, and if you don't like it, I'm outta here." Some schools want the yes-men, but other schools want progressive minds who will think outside the box all the time. You're not going to be happy in a job that hires you because you misrepresented yourself, because you'll have to go on misrepresenting yourself for however long you stay there.
-JM
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