most boringest blog update ever

it's been a while...

5 weeks of student teaching left, then it's on to graduation, summer job, and hopefully spain.

i have a doctor's appointment this friday so i'm hoping he'll give me the thumbs up on crohn's and will let me go, but i'm also hoping that it rains pennies (wouldn't that just be cool?) so we'll see...

I took on a new class this week to teach - honors spanish.  It's been good and challenging - keeping me up to date on my academic spanish.  the students are great and have been really helpful.  

i'm falling more and more in love with teaching ESL - my kids are great.  i actually feel like i know them - their families, their likes, their problems... they're just such an impressionable group of kids.

I'm finishing up my Spain application to mail in this week - hooray! it'll feel good to move on to the next step of applying for my visa once i get approval. i guess i should say if i get approval.

If not, we'll deal with that when it happens.

Guero and I are planning on visiting Mike in two weeks.  that = frickin' awesome! I can't wait!  Anytime with Mike is a good time - add in Chicago, and you can't go wrong.  

so that's a pretty lame overview. i'll add in more exciting details later

love you all

jen

thanks for the prayers and notes - they meant a lot to me

ok so I still want to teach and I'm passionate about it.  I just want to teach people who want to learn.   Is that selfish?

i thought i wanted to teach but student teaching has made me question that and everything else as well. nothing feels right anymore. maybe it's just this school or this teacher. all i know is that monday mornings feel like a dagger in my heart every time. and i have 7 more monday mornings to go.  All i can do now is hope that my heart is still somewhat intact in may.  sorry for the sadness.  this is where i am now. 

they think i'm depressed. clinically. and who am to argue?  my situation seems to agree, and apparently this is common with crohn's.  this is the darkest my life has ever been.  and there doesn't seem to be a way out of this hole but down.  every day seems a little harder than the last.  the only time i feel slightly ok is when there are tears pouring out of my eyes, which seems to be happening more and more often now. slept eleven hours yesterday and i woke up exhausted.  the only thing that keeps running through my mind is "this is not ok. i can't keep doing this."

and yet here i am, getting ready for work. again. 

i don't know who i can tell and i'm not sure what makes me think it's ok to post this aside from the fact that i really don't know if anyone reads this on a regular basis.  part of me wants to scream it to the world so people will know why i stayed home, why i don't call back, and why i seem so angry and quiet.  i don't want to be like this.  i hate the feeling i get every morning - that feeling of disappointment that i have to do this thing again, i have to wake up and go to work, come home exhausted, and take care of paperwork and applications.  somehow i secretly am hoping that every night will be the last time i have to do this and the act of hearing my alarm each morning brings a sigh of frustration at the thought of still being alive. 

this is not ok. 

i can't keep doing this.