it's been 6 weeks and i'm very tired. i have 7 and a half months to go. and i'm very, very tired.
this year has been and will be full of failures, do-overs, and not quites. For the next 7 and a half months, I will be short of good, not because of a lack of effort, or ability, but because of a lack of experience. there are some things about teaching that you must try out - actually, pretty much everything about teaching is this way. I love that i can get my hands dirty this year but knowing that i will not be able to wipe them clean and try again for a long time is difficult.
last week was the first time i considered quitting - and it was over a student that walked out mid-class. the issue wasn't her walking out, it was the response of the students. I tried to make it a learning experience - telling the kids why it was important to stay in class, stay in school, make an effort, better themselves, when a boy looked at me, laughed and said "miss, you think we actually care whatchu say? the only reason we're in here is because we think it's funny that you take everything so seriously - like you think we'll actually give a fuck about whatchu say as soon as the bell rings."
granted, this boy says things frequently to rile me up (he enjoys calling me ugly, short, mean, whatever) and that was a paraphrase or as close as i can remember it, but something about what he said - knowing that there is a chance that i'm not making a damn bit of difference for these kids - broke me.
sunday nights are becoming stressful - not as stressful as student teaching surprisingly, but i'm having trouble keeping my idealism and optimism blowing at full steam, which i think is really the only thing that is going to get me through this year - choosing to decide that what i do does matter, otherwise it's all worthless.
i hate that i'm counting down this year already, but it is nice to know that teachers' first years are supposed to be hellish. It doesn't make the year any less miserable or painful, but it does make me feel better on sunday nights like this.
