it's been 6 weeks and i'm very tired. i have 7 and a half months to go. and i'm very, very tired.
this year has been and will be full of failures, do-overs, and not quites. For the next 7 and a half months, I will be short of good, not because of a lack of effort, or ability, but because of a lack of experience. there are some things about teaching that you must try out - actually, pretty much everything about teaching is this way. I love that i can get my hands dirty this year but knowing that i will not be able to wipe them clean and try again for a long time is difficult.
last week was the first time i considered quitting - and it was over a student that walked out mid-class. the issue wasn't her walking out, it was the response of the students. I tried to make it a learning experience - telling the kids why it was important to stay in class, stay in school, make an effort, better themselves, when a boy looked at me, laughed and said "miss, you think we actually care whatchu say? the only reason we're in here is because we think it's funny that you take everything so seriously - like you think we'll actually give a fuck about whatchu say as soon as the bell rings."
granted, this boy says things frequently to rile me up (he enjoys calling me ugly, short, mean, whatever) and that was a paraphrase or as close as i can remember it, but something about what he said - knowing that there is a chance that i'm not making a damn bit of difference for these kids - broke me.
sunday nights are becoming stressful - not as stressful as student teaching surprisingly, but i'm having trouble keeping my idealism and optimism blowing at full steam, which i think is really the only thing that is going to get me through this year - choosing to decide that what i do does matter, otherwise it's all worthless.
i hate that i'm counting down this year already, but it is nice to know that teachers' first years are supposed to be hellish. It doesn't make the year any less miserable or painful, but it does make me feel better on sunday nights like this.
3 comments:
Amen friend. It is hard to think about what kind of impact we are actually having. The key, and I really believe this, is that you need to leave your emotions in your car as best as you can. Kids are going to say hurtful things to you in the classroom, and two hours later say hello to you with a smile on their way to their next class. Kids feel the need to be obstinate.
Keep it up. You're doing well, and will have a successful year. We'll just look forward to a wonderful break when it comes our way!
Jenny subbah,
I just wanted to bring up the fact that it's usually the quiet ones who are impacted the most. The loud ones seem like they speak up for the whole class, but they don't. I remember being the quiet one and thinking the WORLD of my teachers...I just never told them. So when that loud smartass is making a rude comment, just look around at the quiet kids and remember that you make a difference to them. They're sitting on the fence and you just might be the only thing persuading them to come to school. I love you. Can't wait to see you!!
Okay...so I'll start by saying that I know being a camp counselor for kids from L.A. is nothing like teaching them for a year....but don't give up Miss Jennica. I remember thinking "These kids hate me, they have no respect...what am I doing here. (especially since they were from the city and I was from the country)" But, unknown to me, I was being used by God and some of those kids left having known what it felt like to be cared for.
God gave you this job because He knew you would let Him work through you to show these kids what love & respect means. And, yes, some will never catch on to it...but others will. And sometimes those others that do will be the ones you thought never heard one word from you. I'm sure its hard, but I know that you can do it (because its really God anyway).
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