christmas

I'm spending this Christmas in Cheyenne - the first christmas I can remember being away from home, from family.  This is also the first Christmas I wasn't prepared with a list of several things I really wanted but didn't need, and also the first Christmas I have spent grading papers instead of getting ready for a new semester of classes.  Change can be difficult, especially when it comes so quickly and in so many forms.  I always thought I loved change but now I am not so sure.  I will say that it has been fun being here, cooped up in Guero's parents' house with blankets and books and nothing else on the agenda besides the occasional papers to grade. 

I had a ridiculous trip to the hospital a week ago for my infusion.  No saline, they weren't sure about the measurement of the drug, i began to run a fever at the end, and my blood pressure kept dropping until I couldn't see straight, and my arm broke out from the i.v.  All in all, it was a disaster. After all of that, my blood lab comes back and it turns out my body is running very low on pretty much everything.  No wonder I've been so exhausted and just sore the past couple weeks.  Now, the question is how to fix it, and even more then that, why is it happening in the first place?  Is it because the medicine is not working as well and my body is going back to its original state of attacking itself? or is it because I haven't been eating as healthily?  Not sure that's the case, or at least I don't think so.  It might be stress, or any number of things really.  The problem is, there is no real way to find out, only to hope that I can get the numbers back up and keep them that way.  It is really taking a toll on my energy level, as well as a number of other things.  This is the time in my life when I am supposed to be my healthiest, full of life and energy... but I feel so weak and tired all the freaking time!  

I am beginning to wonder how long I will be working at South - not that I hate it, or that I really want to leave, but I want to make sure I am considering my options, making the most out of what I have.  It looks like I will be in Omaha another 2 years-ish while Guero finishes school, but after that there is no real plan.  I can't decide if that is scary or exhilarating, maybe both.  I have always wanted to go back to school for my masters, but I cannot seem to fit the idea of teaching full time with college in my brain or my tired body.  I guess it wouldn't hurt to at least start and get a couple classes under my belt, even though it would be a year at least until I had enough credits for a pay-raise... 

Good thing I'm not teaching for the money!

I had an epiphany about my teaching at one of our teacher get-togethers, and it's something that I know but I somehow forgot along the way.  I won't bore you with the details, - it has to do with input versus output in language and the repetition it takes to retain information and the best way to go about doing it - making patterns, categorizing, putting in context, ... boring stuff, but I'm excited to get back into it this next semester and get better at teaching - there is something very exciting about knowing that I can only get better at my job from here on out, but also slightly overwhelming.

I have begun to form some incredible friendships in Omaha, which is something I did not expect or really even seek out - I am very grateful and surprised at the incredible people that I have met and who have invested into my life. I am excited to see where they go and how they develop, I know I will need them to get through this year!  Some are teachers at South, others are friends of friends, others are from CORE church, but they all are food to my soul in one way or another.  It is good to have new friends, to remember the importance of friends and to know that being a missionary kid didn't totally ruin my chances of forming relationships with others. 

I am excited and anxious when I think about this coming year, - it makes my bones hurt thinking about teaching my kids for 5 more months, hopefully I will get my health under control by then.  I know that it will be a challenging year, but I think it will be a great year as well :)  

i wish i posted more often.

i have 2 weeks left in this semester - i can't decide if it has flown by or dragged on - either way, it's been an incredible experience.  Not incredible in the way that I'm used to - traveling, adventures, meeting new people, being on my own, but incredible in a deeper, more grownup way.  I feel like I am planting my feet down and I like that, when I'm not freaked out by it. 

My kids have come a long way this semester alone and I get excited about watching my 42 freshmen become young adults in the next couple years.  I am excited about becoming more grounded as a teacher and as a member of CORE church.  It feels strange to me - to feel at home in a place and not want to leave, but I have been praying that if God wants me to stay in Omaha, that he would give me contentment here.  I have never liked living in one place longer than a year, but I actually think I might be able to call Omaha home for a couple more.  Part of it may be just growing up and settling down, as boring as that sounds. Who knows what this next year will bring though.  

As much as I feel that I am beginning to get the hang of teaching, I am still constantly surprised and amazed at the things that happen to me every day.  The questions that my students ask me, the stories I hear, the things they say - at any point in the day I could usually laugh, cry, or scream.  Sometimes I really feel like doing all three.  These kids are in a completely different place that I have ever been in, dealing with things I have never had to face.  The odds are stacked against them and they know it.  Yet, the passion and life that I see in them is incredible.  Their humor and loyalty to one another is fascinating to me.  They always ask me why on earth I chose to work with high schoolers - aren't they annoying? don't they bug me? wouldn't I rather hang out with people my own age?  No, I feel sorry for adults who don't get the chance to chill out with my kids - I am constantly reinventing myself, rethinking my assumptions, and challenging my own ideas because of them and I love it.  There are days when I want to quit, there are days when they don't care and it makes me want to not care.  There are days when my students are filled with so much pain and anger that I feel unequipped to help them untangle the mess - like I'm trying to teach them how to swim in a desert.  What good is it to know Spanish when you're not sure where you're sleeping that night?  But, I'm there, and I listen, and I love them.  I go to work every day hoping I will get the chance to make a difference in their lives, repaying them for the difference they have already made in mine.  

*this does not apply to 2 of my kids, who make it their goal to ruin my life every day.*

all that to say, i think i might love my job, but now I know why teachers get summers off.  it's for sanity!