christmas

I'm spending this Christmas in Cheyenne - the first christmas I can remember being away from home, from family.  This is also the first Christmas I wasn't prepared with a list of several things I really wanted but didn't need, and also the first Christmas I have spent grading papers instead of getting ready for a new semester of classes.  Change can be difficult, especially when it comes so quickly and in so many forms.  I always thought I loved change but now I am not so sure.  I will say that it has been fun being here, cooped up in Guero's parents' house with blankets and books and nothing else on the agenda besides the occasional papers to grade. 

I had a ridiculous trip to the hospital a week ago for my infusion.  No saline, they weren't sure about the measurement of the drug, i began to run a fever at the end, and my blood pressure kept dropping until I couldn't see straight, and my arm broke out from the i.v.  All in all, it was a disaster. After all of that, my blood lab comes back and it turns out my body is running very low on pretty much everything.  No wonder I've been so exhausted and just sore the past couple weeks.  Now, the question is how to fix it, and even more then that, why is it happening in the first place?  Is it because the medicine is not working as well and my body is going back to its original state of attacking itself? or is it because I haven't been eating as healthily?  Not sure that's the case, or at least I don't think so.  It might be stress, or any number of things really.  The problem is, there is no real way to find out, only to hope that I can get the numbers back up and keep them that way.  It is really taking a toll on my energy level, as well as a number of other things.  This is the time in my life when I am supposed to be my healthiest, full of life and energy... but I feel so weak and tired all the freaking time!  

I am beginning to wonder how long I will be working at South - not that I hate it, or that I really want to leave, but I want to make sure I am considering my options, making the most out of what I have.  It looks like I will be in Omaha another 2 years-ish while Guero finishes school, but after that there is no real plan.  I can't decide if that is scary or exhilarating, maybe both.  I have always wanted to go back to school for my masters, but I cannot seem to fit the idea of teaching full time with college in my brain or my tired body.  I guess it wouldn't hurt to at least start and get a couple classes under my belt, even though it would be a year at least until I had enough credits for a pay-raise... 

Good thing I'm not teaching for the money!

I had an epiphany about my teaching at one of our teacher get-togethers, and it's something that I know but I somehow forgot along the way.  I won't bore you with the details, - it has to do with input versus output in language and the repetition it takes to retain information and the best way to go about doing it - making patterns, categorizing, putting in context, ... boring stuff, but I'm excited to get back into it this next semester and get better at teaching - there is something very exciting about knowing that I can only get better at my job from here on out, but also slightly overwhelming.

I have begun to form some incredible friendships in Omaha, which is something I did not expect or really even seek out - I am very grateful and surprised at the incredible people that I have met and who have invested into my life. I am excited to see where they go and how they develop, I know I will need them to get through this year!  Some are teachers at South, others are friends of friends, others are from CORE church, but they all are food to my soul in one way or another.  It is good to have new friends, to remember the importance of friends and to know that being a missionary kid didn't totally ruin my chances of forming relationships with others. 

I am excited and anxious when I think about this coming year, - it makes my bones hurt thinking about teaching my kids for 5 more months, hopefully I will get my health under control by then.  I know that it will be a challenging year, but I think it will be a great year as well :)  

i wish i posted more often.

i have 2 weeks left in this semester - i can't decide if it has flown by or dragged on - either way, it's been an incredible experience.  Not incredible in the way that I'm used to - traveling, adventures, meeting new people, being on my own, but incredible in a deeper, more grownup way.  I feel like I am planting my feet down and I like that, when I'm not freaked out by it. 

My kids have come a long way this semester alone and I get excited about watching my 42 freshmen become young adults in the next couple years.  I am excited about becoming more grounded as a teacher and as a member of CORE church.  It feels strange to me - to feel at home in a place and not want to leave, but I have been praying that if God wants me to stay in Omaha, that he would give me contentment here.  I have never liked living in one place longer than a year, but I actually think I might be able to call Omaha home for a couple more.  Part of it may be just growing up and settling down, as boring as that sounds. Who knows what this next year will bring though.  

As much as I feel that I am beginning to get the hang of teaching, I am still constantly surprised and amazed at the things that happen to me every day.  The questions that my students ask me, the stories I hear, the things they say - at any point in the day I could usually laugh, cry, or scream.  Sometimes I really feel like doing all three.  These kids are in a completely different place that I have ever been in, dealing with things I have never had to face.  The odds are stacked against them and they know it.  Yet, the passion and life that I see in them is incredible.  Their humor and loyalty to one another is fascinating to me.  They always ask me why on earth I chose to work with high schoolers - aren't they annoying? don't they bug me? wouldn't I rather hang out with people my own age?  No, I feel sorry for adults who don't get the chance to chill out with my kids - I am constantly reinventing myself, rethinking my assumptions, and challenging my own ideas because of them and I love it.  There are days when I want to quit, there are days when they don't care and it makes me want to not care.  There are days when my students are filled with so much pain and anger that I feel unequipped to help them untangle the mess - like I'm trying to teach them how to swim in a desert.  What good is it to know Spanish when you're not sure where you're sleeping that night?  But, I'm there, and I listen, and I love them.  I go to work every day hoping I will get the chance to make a difference in their lives, repaying them for the difference they have already made in mine.  

*this does not apply to 2 of my kids, who make it their goal to ruin my life every day.*

all that to say, i think i might love my job, but now I know why teachers get summers off.  it's for sanity!

not sure where to start...

Things on my mind

1. getting my kids to speak spanish for the love of all things holy.

2. mom and dad coming back soon! 

3. how much i love teddy, nora, drew, and elise

4. how freaking tired i am as of late. stupid crohn's. stupid remicaid. 

5. how much i love flight of the concords

6. getting back into playing the piano when i have the energy

7.  why my house smells so weird

8. staying on top of my work without staying at work for more than 10 hours a day

9. eggplant

10. quitting biting my nails

that is all for now. 

er visit number fortyseven

woke up with severe pain at 2 am this morning.  went to the bathroom, felt sick.  the pain was getting worse by the minute.  i was doubled over in pain.  i knew i needed to call the rents but my phone was stolen at work yesterday along with my ipod.  kaitlin was sleeping so i decided to use hers.  only problem is, it was in my room all the way down the hallway.  knowing that it would take me forever to crawl down the hallway to my room, i decided to make a run for it.  yes, i do think that pain was affecting my train of thought at this point.  i take two leaping steps down the hall, come to on the floor having make it maybe 4 feet.  haha.  i then crawl to my room and wake a very asleep kaitlin by saying the word "phone" about 34 times, not being able to think of another word, besides the occasional "telephone."  Within 10 minutes I had called mom, taken a hydrocodone, and still nothing.  I tried to wait another 20 minutes to give the hydrocodone to kick in but my body was not having it and i was starting to fade.  kaitlin took me to the hospital.  after waiting 2 hours, i finally receive an i.v. oh, wait, no, an i.v. was attempted.  after blowing the vein, another i.v. was attempted.  3rd try was a charm and by this point my arm pain was distracting me from the nuclear explosion in my gut.  after several tests (one of which i think involved a chain saw and a letter opener) I took a cat scan (this is now 8am)  all the tests came back "normal" for someone who has crohn's disease.  i left the er 2 doses of morphine later at 9am ish. in all of my e.r. visits, this has been the worst.  

i'm feeling ok now physically, but my spirit is totally crushed.  this is the first time i've been sick this school year but i have no idea what caused it or how to prevent it from happening again.  it was nice having a day off school but i know it will make tomorrow difficult.  

i'm very tired.  

it's been 6 weeks and i'm very tired.  i have 7 and a half months to go. and i'm very, very tired.

this year has been and will be full of failures, do-overs, and not quites.  For the next 7 and a half months, I will be short of good, not because of a lack of effort, or ability, but because of a lack of experience.  there are some things about teaching that you must try out - actually, pretty much everything about teaching is this way.  I love that i can get my hands dirty this year but knowing that i will not be able to wipe them clean and try again for a long time is difficult.  

last week was the first time i considered quitting - and it was over a student that walked out mid-class.  the issue wasn't her walking out, it was the response of the students.  I tried to make it a learning experience - telling the kids why it was important to stay in class, stay in school, make an effort, better themselves, when a boy looked at me, laughed and said "miss, you think we actually care whatchu say? the only reason we're in here is because we think it's funny that you take everything so seriously - like you think we'll actually give a fuck about whatchu say as soon as the bell rings." 

 granted, this boy says things frequently to rile me up (he enjoys calling me ugly, short, mean, whatever)  and that was a paraphrase or as close as i can remember it, but something about what he said - knowing that there is a chance that i'm not making a damn bit of difference for these kids - broke me.  

sunday nights are becoming stressful - not as stressful as student teaching surprisingly, but i'm having trouble keeping my idealism and optimism blowing at full steam, which i think is really the only thing that is going to get me through this year - choosing to decide that what i do does matter, otherwise it's all worthless.

i hate that i'm counting down this year already, but it is nice to know that teachers' first years are supposed to be hellish. It doesn't make the year any less miserable or painful, but it does make me feel better on sunday nights like this.

I don't know if this is true of all professions but I am so struck by the clash between reality and theory in the teaching world.  Ideally, all of our kids are offered this great education with the help of hundreds of adults all doing a different job to meet the needs of each student on an individual basis.  In reality, there are hundreds of adults but they are often on different pages or all trying to complete a different goal for each student.  For example, as a teacher I'm working to give 25ish kids the best education I can, as often and as soon as I can, so I use administrators and counselors for individual support.  Their job is to create a better situation for individual students- no matter how long or how hard they have to work.  What they don't realize is that the longer they take helping each individual student succeed (even the ones who are determined to "unsucceed" as one of my kids said) the more my 25 students as a whole are struggling because of one or two others.  It all boils down to a lot of different people all trying to achieve somewhat similar goals but all needing to answer to someone higher up with even slightly different goals.  As much as everyone says its about the students, it's easy to forget when you're in the middle of it.  Not to mention that each teacher has a department head who has a curriculum advisor and each student has an advisor who has a dean.

done venting

I'm loving my job and finally getting the hang of it (kind of).  That entails:

-getting copies done more than one day in advance

-not forgetting my water bottle and/or plans and/or seating chart in one of my four rooms

-remembering to check my mailbox and email more than once a day

-remembering 80% of my 170some student names

-learning to laugh when i feel like crying

-mastering "the look"

-memorizing all of the ridiculous acronyms teachers have for EVERYTHING

-being able to leave work at 5 feeling like i'm somewhat aware of what will be happening the following day

-building some really awesome relationships with some incredible kids, most of whom have no idea how incredible they are!

and on that happy ending... i'm out!

first week down! 39 to go.

I have officially survived my first week of teaching.  It has been a crazy week and I'm sure the rest will be even crazier but I know that I loved it!  I have challenging kids, difficult expectations, three different bosses, and 2 plan periods.  I have been working 10 hour days all this week and will probably continue to work 10 hour days until I get my feet under me - a.k.a. next year.  I was so excited for this weekend to come...then spent all of saturday on the floor with severe stomach pain.  Took some meds and ibuprofen and then spent all of today trying to recover.  Apparently my stomach was not very happy about the amount of medicine i took.  I finally ate a plum which I then threw up 2 hours later.  Hopefully next weekend will prove to be a little more relaxing.