strange week. finished "knowledge of the holy." still in the middle of "1984" and "Everything is illuminated." Just started "renovation of the heart." feels good to read. always. know what else feels good? swimming. and rock climbing. well, actually rock climbing hurts. a lot. i'm still awkward and not so good at it, but i have fun when i go, so i guess it's worth it :) I still need to get a hold of a chalk bag from somewhere and ebay is not seeming to work with me... hopefully aunty nora can hook me up.
the sickness seems to be taking the back seat for a while - i'm down to 15 mg as of yesterday, and i normally don't get sick until i'm down to 10 so i've got 2 weeks of freedom left :) i can't help but get my hopes up every time... like, maybe this time, i won't get sick, and i'll actually get off the meds and lead a normal life (?!) i know, crazy right? i meet with the doctor next week to discuss the highlights of my illness - i'll let you know how that goes.
still no job for the summer, but i am looking for something i can start in august for the fall semester. it's a little early, but i figure it can't hurt to look. if worst comes to worst i'll pick up a couple shifts at borsports haha just kiddin' i'd rather not. ever. again.
things have been a little...complicated around the house - just mini drama going down, nothing that won't blow over in a couple days, but it does make me mad that i'm so nonconfrontational. it's really disadvantageous in times like this. i do more harm by keeping my mouth shut and swallowing my anger and resentment than i would by speaking a few choice words to give voice to my anger. otherwise it just builds.
woke up at 4am this morning with a stomach ache... probably from the drama going around. got some good reading done though, couldn't sleep. met with lindsay at 7, then crashed. thought about swimming today but i'd better take it easy whatever that entails.
possibly camping tomorrow - we'll see what mr. crohn's has to say about that. he seems to have a lot to say about a lot of things lately.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
welp, surprise everyone... i'm sick. again. it started a couple weeks ago with a really rough night in lincoln, then another in denver, and then it just kept getting worse last week. momma bear came and got me from lincoln wednesday (hooray for momma!) where i was passed out on the bathroom floor for most of the day. spent the weekend at home, which i was planning on doing on my own anyway except on my own terms, not doped up on pain medicine. kaitlin still came up for the church campout which was a blast and for the most part, i felt fine during it. we had a lot of fun, tubing, boating, and just chilling out. saterday night i was sick again, and this morning i'm not feeling too hot. again. while i was in norfolk, dad got me hooked up with a ton of alternative medicine stuff- supplements, dietary stuff... we're really hoping this stuff will work. dad's been awesome about finding out alternative treatments - i'm lucky to have parents that care that much about me.
i really don't know how much more of this i can take. it's just exhausting. i feel like i've been running into a brick wall since january. i cannot get myself healthy enough to be off of steroids...and the steroids aren't making me any healthier in the long run. agh! it's just so frustrating. it's like this isn't even my life anymore. i wake up every morning wondering what i will and won't be able to do that day - what my body will be able to handle and how much pain i may or may not be in that day. at least it's summer so i've got close to nothing going on every day, but i absolutely cannot be this sick when the fall semester starts or i'll die. so i've got... 2 months to figure this out. this disease is destroying me- not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, socially.... i'm stunted and nothing makes sense anymore. i'm just so tired of fighting this. i'm trying to be 20, to live life, and i can't. some days i can't even pick myself up off the floor. i just don't know how much more of this i can take. i just don't want to spend any more of my life drugged out of my mind...but what's my alternative, spending my life in unbelievable pain? i'm trying to stay optimistic but i'm not sure how much longer i can hold out- you can only be hopeful for so long before circumstances prove you wrong. i've tried to get off of steroids...4 times now, and each time i've ended up in the er... it just seems illogical to expect anything else this time around. i've got no alternative though - i've got to keep trying, because whatever this is right now is not way to live life and i cannot go on much longer like this.
i really don't know how much more of this i can take. it's just exhausting. i feel like i've been running into a brick wall since january. i cannot get myself healthy enough to be off of steroids...and the steroids aren't making me any healthier in the long run. agh! it's just so frustrating. it's like this isn't even my life anymore. i wake up every morning wondering what i will and won't be able to do that day - what my body will be able to handle and how much pain i may or may not be in that day. at least it's summer so i've got close to nothing going on every day, but i absolutely cannot be this sick when the fall semester starts or i'll die. so i've got... 2 months to figure this out. this disease is destroying me- not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, socially.... i'm stunted and nothing makes sense anymore. i'm just so tired of fighting this. i'm trying to be 20, to live life, and i can't. some days i can't even pick myself up off the floor. i just don't know how much more of this i can take. i just don't want to spend any more of my life drugged out of my mind...but what's my alternative, spending my life in unbelievable pain? i'm trying to stay optimistic but i'm not sure how much longer i can hold out- you can only be hopeful for so long before circumstances prove you wrong. i've tried to get off of steroids...4 times now, and each time i've ended up in the er... it just seems illogical to expect anything else this time around. i've got no alternative though - i've got to keep trying, because whatever this is right now is not way to live life and i cannot go on much longer like this.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
back from colorado! it was a great trip - not in that I got a lot done or had any kind of life-changing experiences, but in that I just was. I didn't have to worry about anything, I didn't have to be anything for anyone, and nothing was expected of me. It's nice to be in the backdrop sometimes. I met some really great people too, which was a bonus! It was fun just to chill with mom too - we laugh a lot which is good. we're just tight, - i don't have to be anything i'm not around her - including healthy... it sucks that i'm sick but if i have to be sick i'd rather be sick arounnd my mom. that's fo' sho'.
there was a lot of driving that happened and i was ready to be home by friday night, but colorado was a success. i don't think i'd ever like to live there, but it's nice to visit. as of now, i'm planning on moving to san diego in january. that could change, but as of today that's where i am. and kaitlin's down with that too, which is great. cuz who wants to move all the way to a cool place like san diego by themselves?!?
research project is moving along slowly, but it's moving. we're just trying to narrow our focus now since we have so much data and so many places we could go with it. i'm excited to see where it takes us.
rock climbing is proving to be a fun hobby - cool peeps, expensive shoes... i didn't find any on ebay but lindsay says i should try some on first which is a good idea... i just don't want to spend money - it would be worth it though, i know it would. turns out my cousin laura is all about rock climbing too - haha we must be related. first swimming, now this... it would be fun to visit her one of these days. when i have money... which won't happen any time soon it looks like. i have a job, and i got a raise, but i never work... so that's too bad. i'm waiting to hear if anybody needs tutors for their summer classes. i doubt they will but i'm here if they do. nto sure what i'll do to fill the rest of my summer days. i know things will come up -they always do. i don't know why i even plan ahead most of the time.
nora needs a babysitter for the kids this week - their daycare had flood damage, so there's the first couple days of my week. that should give me time to work on the quilt too :) now that my sewing machine is fixed!! the church campout is this next weekend too and i told kaitlin i might come down and chill with her and the wee ones friday - we'll see. something might come up again haha. after that, i have no idea, but things will come up for sure. that's life. i wish i could always be this flexible. why not?? why do we make plans so far in advance?? i mean, i know it's smart and all, but really when do things ever go the way you planned???
finished reading aka listening to american gods, finished the perks of being a wallflower and the secret life of bees in colorado. they rocked. equally, but on completely differently playing fields. i started 1984 today. i think it's going to be a harder read than i thought but im up for the challenge. mom and i might read to kill a mockingbird - she hasn't ever and i wouldn't mind reading it again.
garage sailing today haha get it...sailing... found a potato masher, a pastry cutter, a magnetic word book for kids (great for esl!!!) and an oil lantern. i love garage sailing. plus i didn't have to drive or navigate or do anything and i found the magnetic word book at the first garage sale so i just wrote amazing poems in the back the whole time we were driving around :) life is good today.
time for swimming!
...i wonder what will come up tomorrow...
there was a lot of driving that happened and i was ready to be home by friday night, but colorado was a success. i don't think i'd ever like to live there, but it's nice to visit. as of now, i'm planning on moving to san diego in january. that could change, but as of today that's where i am. and kaitlin's down with that too, which is great. cuz who wants to move all the way to a cool place like san diego by themselves?!?
research project is moving along slowly, but it's moving. we're just trying to narrow our focus now since we have so much data and so many places we could go with it. i'm excited to see where it takes us.
rock climbing is proving to be a fun hobby - cool peeps, expensive shoes... i didn't find any on ebay but lindsay says i should try some on first which is a good idea... i just don't want to spend money - it would be worth it though, i know it would. turns out my cousin laura is all about rock climbing too - haha we must be related. first swimming, now this... it would be fun to visit her one of these days. when i have money... which won't happen any time soon it looks like. i have a job, and i got a raise, but i never work... so that's too bad. i'm waiting to hear if anybody needs tutors for their summer classes. i doubt they will but i'm here if they do. nto sure what i'll do to fill the rest of my summer days. i know things will come up -they always do. i don't know why i even plan ahead most of the time.
nora needs a babysitter for the kids this week - their daycare had flood damage, so there's the first couple days of my week. that should give me time to work on the quilt too :) now that my sewing machine is fixed!! the church campout is this next weekend too and i told kaitlin i might come down and chill with her and the wee ones friday - we'll see. something might come up again haha. after that, i have no idea, but things will come up for sure. that's life. i wish i could always be this flexible. why not?? why do we make plans so far in advance?? i mean, i know it's smart and all, but really when do things ever go the way you planned???
finished reading aka listening to american gods, finished the perks of being a wallflower and the secret life of bees in colorado. they rocked. equally, but on completely differently playing fields. i started 1984 today. i think it's going to be a harder read than i thought but im up for the challenge. mom and i might read to kill a mockingbird - she hasn't ever and i wouldn't mind reading it again.
garage sailing today haha get it...sailing... found a potato masher, a pastry cutter, a magnetic word book for kids (great for esl!!!) and an oil lantern. i love garage sailing. plus i didn't have to drive or navigate or do anything and i found the magnetic word book at the first garage sale so i just wrote amazing poems in the back the whole time we were driving around :) life is good today.
time for swimming!
...i wonder what will come up tomorrow...
Thursday, June 5, 2008
last week of summer school!! i've got one more class tomorrow and then i have rightfully earned 3 credits in nutrition 100. i'm so glad i didn't take this during the school year.
started reading "me talk pretty one day" - i'll finish it today. it's good - another good read aloud book :) i've got "1984" "the notebook" and "the secret life of bees" waiting for me. i'll pick up a couple from jm hopefully sunday to take with me to denver. oh yeah, did i mention i'm going to denver? not sure why, other than why not. mom's going to do some work with dfn and as of tomorrow at 11:30 i no longer have any obligations in lincoln other than tutoring on mondays. we'll be gone monday through friday - i might stay in norfolk an extra day - we'll see... denver should be a blast. i've got nothing planned other than reading and chilling and eating so as long as those three things happen at least once a day i'll be happy! should be fun to spend some time with momma too - plus we get to drive the mini!!
went to jazz in june for the first time - strange, you'd think i would've gone sooner, but this is my first summer in lincoln i guess... it was a blast - mostly because drew and elise and teddy and nora were there too! drew is learning the art of the the hackey sack - he'll go pro soon. elise and i are basically attatched at the hip whenever i'm around her - and i love every minute of it!! she's still little enough that i don't mind carrying her everywhere or having her crawl all over me when i'm sitting - we even made up our own secret language yesterday (jealous??... you should be!)
swam mucho this week - i'm getting certified to climb today too - that should be interesting considering my legs haven't fully recovered from squats and lunges from tuesday haha i'm such a wimp. i hope i don't get too into climbing where i actually spend money for shoes and whatnot...it's an expensive hobby! i don't plan on getting really good at it - just decent. i'm better underwater anyway, but it is a blast! plus lindsay swims with me and puts up with all my whining so the least i can do is climb with her :)
i realized last night that i'm constantly in this struggle and i can't figure it out exactly - which side is right and which one is fake... it's like i'm this strong woman, a he-woman if you will, capable of destroying souls with the glance of an eye, unwilling to take help from anyone, stubborn, and full of determination and courage. then, suddenly, i become this helpless child, this terrified meek creature who doesn't talk, doesn't do anything that might bring attention to her... and i think i'm both of these things, i just can't control when i switch, and they both have their good and bad sides... i just wish i could keep the good of both. the problem is, when i do become in-control and passionate, i also become stubborn and unable to accept help. the alternative, when i become gently and shy, i also become scared and cut myself off from everyone else around me. i feel like jekyll and hyde. i don't even know what triggers the switch, but i know it's there. every minute of every day i'm fighting both of them, trying to keep myself somewhere in the middle with a balance of audacity and timidity. and then something happens and i lose it - something triggers me and i'm suddenly out of control. it's like trying to be a "white wave" and a "fair maiden" at the same time, i guess my name fits me well.
summer has given me time to think, which is dangerous. i'm loving the storms and i've decided to make it my summer goal to discover the best swingset in all of lincoln. swinging is more fun than anyone will give it credit for.
i'll let you know how colorado goes - it is going to be somewhat of a personal retreat so if i come back with dreads and smelling of jasmine and clay, just leave me alone for a couple days, i'm sure i'll snap out of it..assuming it's not permanent damage.
p.s. quilting and laundry are happening tonight - and that is very good.
started reading "me talk pretty one day" - i'll finish it today. it's good - another good read aloud book :) i've got "1984" "the notebook" and "the secret life of bees" waiting for me. i'll pick up a couple from jm hopefully sunday to take with me to denver. oh yeah, did i mention i'm going to denver? not sure why, other than why not. mom's going to do some work with dfn and as of tomorrow at 11:30 i no longer have any obligations in lincoln other than tutoring on mondays. we'll be gone monday through friday - i might stay in norfolk an extra day - we'll see... denver should be a blast. i've got nothing planned other than reading and chilling and eating so as long as those three things happen at least once a day i'll be happy! should be fun to spend some time with momma too - plus we get to drive the mini!!
went to jazz in june for the first time - strange, you'd think i would've gone sooner, but this is my first summer in lincoln i guess... it was a blast - mostly because drew and elise and teddy and nora were there too! drew is learning the art of the the hackey sack - he'll go pro soon. elise and i are basically attatched at the hip whenever i'm around her - and i love every minute of it!! she's still little enough that i don't mind carrying her everywhere or having her crawl all over me when i'm sitting - we even made up our own secret language yesterday (jealous??... you should be!)
swam mucho this week - i'm getting certified to climb today too - that should be interesting considering my legs haven't fully recovered from squats and lunges from tuesday haha i'm such a wimp. i hope i don't get too into climbing where i actually spend money for shoes and whatnot...it's an expensive hobby! i don't plan on getting really good at it - just decent. i'm better underwater anyway, but it is a blast! plus lindsay swims with me and puts up with all my whining so the least i can do is climb with her :)
i realized last night that i'm constantly in this struggle and i can't figure it out exactly - which side is right and which one is fake... it's like i'm this strong woman, a he-woman if you will, capable of destroying souls with the glance of an eye, unwilling to take help from anyone, stubborn, and full of determination and courage. then, suddenly, i become this helpless child, this terrified meek creature who doesn't talk, doesn't do anything that might bring attention to her... and i think i'm both of these things, i just can't control when i switch, and they both have their good and bad sides... i just wish i could keep the good of both. the problem is, when i do become in-control and passionate, i also become stubborn and unable to accept help. the alternative, when i become gently and shy, i also become scared and cut myself off from everyone else around me. i feel like jekyll and hyde. i don't even know what triggers the switch, but i know it's there. every minute of every day i'm fighting both of them, trying to keep myself somewhere in the middle with a balance of audacity and timidity. and then something happens and i lose it - something triggers me and i'm suddenly out of control. it's like trying to be a "white wave" and a "fair maiden" at the same time, i guess my name fits me well.
summer has given me time to think, which is dangerous. i'm loving the storms and i've decided to make it my summer goal to discover the best swingset in all of lincoln. swinging is more fun than anyone will give it credit for.
i'll let you know how colorado goes - it is going to be somewhat of a personal retreat so if i come back with dreads and smelling of jasmine and clay, just leave me alone for a couple days, i'm sure i'll snap out of it..assuming it's not permanent damage.
p.s. quilting and laundry are happening tonight - and that is very good.
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