welp, surprise everyone... i'm sick. again. it started a couple weeks ago with a really rough night in lincoln, then another in denver, and then it just kept getting worse last week. momma bear came and got me from lincoln wednesday (hooray for momma!) where i was passed out on the bathroom floor for most of the day. spent the weekend at home, which i was planning on doing on my own anyway except on my own terms, not doped up on pain medicine. kaitlin still came up for the church campout which was a blast and for the most part, i felt fine during it. we had a lot of fun, tubing, boating, and just chilling out. saterday night i was sick again, and this morning i'm not feeling too hot. again. while i was in norfolk, dad got me hooked up with a ton of alternative medicine stuff- supplements, dietary stuff... we're really hoping this stuff will work. dad's been awesome about finding out alternative treatments - i'm lucky to have parents that care that much about me.
i really don't know how much more of this i can take. it's just exhausting. i feel like i've been running into a brick wall since january. i cannot get myself healthy enough to be off of steroids...and the steroids aren't making me any healthier in the long run. agh! it's just so frustrating. it's like this isn't even my life anymore. i wake up every morning wondering what i will and won't be able to do that day - what my body will be able to handle and how much pain i may or may not be in that day. at least it's summer so i've got close to nothing going on every day, but i absolutely cannot be this sick when the fall semester starts or i'll die. so i've got... 2 months to figure this out. this disease is destroying me- not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, socially.... i'm stunted and nothing makes sense anymore. i'm just so tired of fighting this. i'm trying to be 20, to live life, and i can't. some days i can't even pick myself up off the floor. i just don't know how much more of this i can take. i just don't want to spend any more of my life drugged out of my mind...but what's my alternative, spending my life in unbelievable pain? i'm trying to stay optimistic but i'm not sure how much longer i can hold out- you can only be hopeful for so long before circumstances prove you wrong. i've tried to get off of steroids...4 times now, and each time i've ended up in the er... it just seems illogical to expect anything else this time around. i've got no alternative though - i've got to keep trying, because whatever this is right now is not way to live life and i cannot go on much longer like this.