not a suicide note

i sucked at life today...


sometimes Reality cuts deep, serrated edge digging through ideals and dreams.
i pray for numbness to sink in, until the sight of my own blood no longer turns my stomach
and the sound of the blade becomes nothing but white noise
too tired to fight Her, too scared to quit; frozen.
shards of heart and soul fall around me. i am raining.
i remind myself that i was carrying too much anyway...
i dare not pick up the pieces. i dare not let Her know how deep Her cuts wound me.
so i run. to drown out her voice screaming of my failures and shortcomings
i run to delay the stabs of Her sword; or to quicken my loss of red liquid life
to let the gashes begin to scab over on top of already scarred skin.
i run because it's the only thing that will keep my body from collapsing under Her weight
no time to catch my breath. i quit breathing. i will not let her win.
my death will be my own.

this is my last day in san diego and everything in me is screaming to stay. something about this place feels right, and my heart aches at the thought of leaving. knowing that i will be back in 73 days is all that is keeping me afloat.
on the phone all morning with eastlake high, the district, UNL peeps, and of course my mother trying to get my student teaching set up. and it's a nightmare - buti t's worth it if it means moving out here and being with people i love. you know the saying "everything good is worth fighting for" well that person should be shot. twice. in the elbow. it's unnecessary, really, and just plain annoying. i'm nowhere near giving up but this sure could be hella easier. I will say one thing - this has me on my knees on more than a daily basis and for that i am grateful. if it takes all this nonsense to keep me humble before my creator, i'm down. (but seriously Lord, give me a break, please?)
God has been opening my eyes to the fact that it's not about me - it never has been. and i know that sounds so freaking elementary but it needs to be my constant reminder. I so often find myself asking God to fit my needs, fill in my gaps, and create my happy ending and life is so much bigger than that. I'm fighting the urge to regain my independence from Christ. Life makes no sense without him...
This trip has been amazing - just what i needed. It's like a sneek preview of what is to come, and it has given me the strength and courage to fight for it.

and it begins...
running full speed ahead in one direction with all that you are and then suddenly you hear someone yell "STOP!" and you turn and look and by the time you figured out who was shouting and whether or not you believe them, you forgot which way you were running in the first place; the truth is, no one actually knows which way is up and those who do are so much farther ahead of you they don't bother to let you know or they're too scared that they might be wrong and have to start over themselves; it's not really a competition because everyone is losing something all the time; and you can't exactly see where you are because by the time you figure that out, you are inevitably somewhere else entirely if not someone else entirely; and looking ahead does no good because to look ahead you must know where you are; most have resorted to running around completely blindfolded which I can't really say is a a bad idea at this point; and corporate is screaming in my ear so loudly devouring my own voice which may or may not have been right in the first place; money is the least of my concerns yet the first thing i'm forced to consider; and it's a shame that we spend so much of our lives stumbling, so much of our lives wishing we were somewhere else or worrying that what we have won't last when really there is no right direction to begin with; isn't it the lost that have the most fun anyway, but only after they realize that they are lost can they really lose themselves and experience life; and they say that living natural is the way to go; but what if nature provided me with a weakness strong enough to kill and the only way to fight it is to lose myself once every 8 weeks to the needle and then again in the late hours of the night ravaged in pain when the thoughts of my own soul mix with those that have been injected some time earlier and the combination of the two is always deadly and i can hear it screaming "you'll never make it out alive" and sometimes I don't care and sometimes i talk back but the voice from inside is always louder and i know i'm not strong enough to fight it; and i'm not even sure it would be wise to fight against myself; either way i lose a piece of who i am in the struggle; as if the struggle itself were not enough; if i haven't lost it who i am to these pills and infusions already; and i know the drugs were for my own good; to make me whole; better; but then why do i feel this itching under my veins and why do my thoughts landslide like i never remember them doing before i began this dangerous path; sliding up a slippery slope only to realize that i have forgotten my silver shoes at the bottom; and i can't say that i'm surprised because having this work out would be something that only happens in fairy tales and i'll be damned if my life has ever resembled that of a fairy tale; and the minute it does i hear someone yell "it's time for dinner" but what they really mean is "don't think you are any different from the rest of us. don't think you will ever be anything more than clone." but i really didn't need the call today, i could've done without the meeting, and i didn't really ask for her advice, but thanks anyway; they say don't worry but what they mean is quit trying and give up on your dream because life's too short for anything but mediocre and i wonder if they could only hear what they are saying if they would change their minds; i can see myself stumbling around in between average and mundane and it scares me so badly i'd rather not stumble at all; but staying here is not an option if i want any chance of a life; and i'm running out of options faster than i can run out of this town; i'm terrified of losing what i have but even more terrified of not being enough for you; and you say these things now and i believe you more than i believe myself; you are all i have to hang on to and i'm gripping you with all the strength that i can find in this feeble body; but i cannot help but wonder when you will change your mind; when it will become too hard and the wieght of the responsibility of adulthood will guttle us both and we'll be left as nothing but a shell and with no one but me to blame for chasing that unattainable dream in the first place; i should have shut up and sat down like they told me to; and i know it doesn't mean much but this voice is the only one i have and i feel my vocal chords wearing thin from the screaming and i can't decide if it would be better to shut up now and save what voice i have left or if i should keep screaming until it's over.

you know how some days, you just know it'll all work out? that eventually, at the end of it all, you will still be standing? I had that this weekend. and my reasons are threefold.
1. mom and pops were here, showering me with love and much needed items for which i do not have sufficient cash flow.
2. no work on saterdays. how glorious is that?! i mean, not work of any kind, is a necessary activity on saterdays. not tutoring, not homework, not mentoring, not anything that even rhymes with work.
3. i saw nora and the family this weekend, for a very limited time, but i got to hang with them nonetheless. elise, who is three, actually used the word "beneath." what a rock star, and drew, who just had his 6th birthday (indiana jones themed, of course) informed me that emporers are better than kings because they have more than one kingdom. and that praying mantises only eat live things (cool huh!) i love them all so very much...
oh, and 4 which i just remembered is that guero is coming up for my birthday!! and he didn't try to surprise me with it! that's doubleplusgood!
finished "water for elephants," but i'm still chewing on it in my head, good read. now i'm halfway through a "heartbreaking work," a third of the way through "girl, interuppted," and just started "3 cups of tea."
things are coming together, just like they always would. it seems so silly to me now that i worry about things, because worrying is one of the most unproductive things you can do... in every sense of the word. the trip to san diego is coming together, i'm back on track with classes, and most of my students are passing their classes. i know that i'm busy and i wouldn't mind slowing down, but everything i do is the best thing ever, and as draining as it all is, it's all so very real and close to my heart. I did turn down a mentoring job, which totally killed me (yeah mom, be impressed but i had to call when they were closed and leave a message so i wouldn't get suckered into doing it anyway) but i knew that one more thing on my plate and i wouldn't have the energy to enjoy or remember any of what i'm doing now.

just had the urge to erase all of this because i know that as soon as i post this, some crisis will occur and i will find myself upside down yet again wondering where it all went when it was all in my grasp the moment before, but i'll take it. this is where i am now, and His mercy is new every morning.

so tonight, i breathe in peace