not a suicide note

i sucked at life today...


sometimes Reality cuts deep, serrated edge digging through ideals and dreams.
i pray for numbness to sink in, until the sight of my own blood no longer turns my stomach
and the sound of the blade becomes nothing but white noise
too tired to fight Her, too scared to quit; frozen.
shards of heart and soul fall around me. i am raining.
i remind myself that i was carrying too much anyway...
i dare not pick up the pieces. i dare not let Her know how deep Her cuts wound me.
so i run. to drown out her voice screaming of my failures and shortcomings
i run to delay the stabs of Her sword; or to quicken my loss of red liquid life
to let the gashes begin to scab over on top of already scarred skin.
i run because it's the only thing that will keep my body from collapsing under Her weight
no time to catch my breath. i quit breathing. i will not let her win.
my death will be my own.