once a nomad, always a nomad

venting post
i realized today that this is my last week in lincoln. ever. and by last week i mean last 5 days. i don't know why i hadn't realized this sooner. i was so busy writing papers and finishing projects and finding apartments and whatever else that it wasn't until my soul had a minute to rest in church that i realized how few days i have left here...and i started crying, being the big nancy that i am...
I would love to make the most of it... if it weren't dead week, aka hell week. trying to squeeze in all the last pieces of homework and projects that remain to prepare for finals, while at the same time trying to find time to spend with the friends i love is proving challenging. i'm realizing now the importance of spending time with the God i serve not when it's convenient and i have the time but when i feel like i don't even have time to breath let alone sit down with my bible and try to shut off my brain from planning out the rest of my day in 15 minute increments. i just want to take full advantage of this week and am trying to decide on the best way to do that without completely exhausting myself before the 6 hour drive to wyoming(for which i am beyond psyched) ...weather permitting...
mom came down this weekend and saved my life- helped me find great apartments for guero and i, cleaned jm's house so they can take pictures, and managed to make me laugh so hard i cried twice. she rocks.
i want so badly to be able to think about the future, plan my life, dream about possibilities, but the pressing assignments and errands of the here and now refuse to leave me alone long enough to have a moment to myself. i know this is where the Lord wants me, and I'm thankful, but i won't say it's easy. greg talked this morning about how when Jesus said "take up your cross" he was really saying be prepared for a horrible and gruesome death. the cross was not a symbol of redemption to these people, it was a device of torture. that's huge... i had never really considered the shock-factor of that statement.. why do i so often think that being a christian is the easy way out? it's the free way out, but no one ever said it was easy.
lincoln has been my home for three years and it will be difficult to leave. it makes me question my nomadic instincts... do i really want to be a wanderer the rest of my life? what about my family -present and future? do i want my children to grow up with the same miscontrued concept of home as their mother? do i want them to see their extended family once a year if i'm lucky?? what is the benefit of being grounded and does it outweigh the adventure and growth you find in moving from place to place? where does my stability come from? and what about the friendships i have made here? can i really excpect to maintain those from halfway across the world, moving whenever i feel the winds change? how can i expect the new people i meet to be as amazing and kind as the community of friends i have built here? and what about timing? i can't dedicate three years of my life to any one place to build these deep of friendships and relationships. I couldn't even stay in lincoln more than 2 years straight. i love being a "free spirit" or whatever you want to call it, but it's not without its dowfalls.
i leave for wyoming to visit guero for the weekend-ish, back mid-next week for my finals, then moving to omaha to join him. I'm excited but i get so exhausted when i think of what i need to get done before all of this takes place. it's not like i won't get it done, i just want to be awake enough to remember moving to omaha and christmas... speaking of which, anything that happens after december 20th is up in the air, besides christmas being on the 25th..i hope?
i'm so busy dealing with now i can't even see 12 days in advance... when did my life become like this and why can't i get it to stop until friday? it's one thing to have a surprisingly insane day, but to know that you are headed into an insanely busy week and not be able to do anything about it... that's not fun to say the least.
i do get to see the beloved bethy soon though, and i will be in the same city as k-buh and skoops, along with FINALLY being in the same city (let alone state!) as guero. it has been a long time coming... i mean, long-distance is fun and all...ok so actually it's not fun, at all. this week will be the hardest for us yet but after building this kind of foundation, we're basically indestructable.
why is it that knowing all of the awesomeness that will occur after this week doesn't make this week any easier? if anything, it seems harder now.
i have a meeting with a professor tomorrow to discuss the fulbrights scholarship i'm considering applying for (it's a big deal, and i'm not sure i want to dedicate hours of time to something i probably won't even get) but if i do decide to do this, that would move spain to january. jennica, what are you going to do for the 6 months-ish between graduating college and going to spain? good question. i was thinking new mexico actually...