they think i'm depressed. clinically. and who am to argue?  my situation seems to agree, and apparently this is common with crohn's.  this is the darkest my life has ever been.  and there doesn't seem to be a way out of this hole but down.  every day seems a little harder than the last.  the only time i feel slightly ok is when there are tears pouring out of my eyes, which seems to be happening more and more often now. slept eleven hours yesterday and i woke up exhausted.  the only thing that keeps running through my mind is "this is not ok. i can't keep doing this."

and yet here i am, getting ready for work. again. 

i don't know who i can tell and i'm not sure what makes me think it's ok to post this aside from the fact that i really don't know if anyone reads this on a regular basis.  part of me wants to scream it to the world so people will know why i stayed home, why i don't call back, and why i seem so angry and quiet.  i don't want to be like this.  i hate the feeling i get every morning - that feeling of disappointment that i have to do this thing again, i have to wake up and go to work, come home exhausted, and take care of paperwork and applications.  somehow i secretly am hoping that every night will be the last time i have to do this and the act of hearing my alarm each morning brings a sigh of frustration at the thought of still being alive. 

this is not ok. 

i can't keep doing this.