my apologies

highlights of this week:
the cribbage board, the sushi boat, the painting party, juno, 10th grade english students performing their poetry for me, watching johnmark rock the worlds of his students with transcendentalism and yawping, and robbie's first fight... let's just say he choked him out :)
i snapped at her today. i can't remember the last time i snapped at anyone like that. i know it's almost the end of the semester and it might not be a big deal and she's fine but i can't get over it. i don't snap at people. that's not who i am. i don't even know why it all came crashing down today, but it did and i hate that i let my circumstance do that to me. i could think of a million excuses to try to explain myself away but when it boils down to it i'm just embarrassed and ashamed that i acted so foolishly. the second the words escaped from my mouth i knew i had made a mistake and no matter how sorry i was afterwards it didn't matter because i had already stung her with my words. i hate that i did that to her. no one deserves that. no one.
i've gotten into this strange habit of leaving home around 10 am and not coming back until 6pm which i realize isn't that big of a deal but when those 8 hours are jam packed with only a 45 minute break for a lunch that i didn't pack, i don't think i'm doing so hot. granted, i only have to endure 2 more of those days before i can breathe and take a break for summer... I hate feeling rushed or busy like that and apparently it's not good on my health either.
i can't believe i snapped. who does that?
i can't quite get this thing off of me. It feels so comfortable to wear. I know its curves and shapes and i know how it feels. but honestly, it's not best for me no matter how comfortable. i've got to be naked for a while, vulnerable and alone even if it does feel awkward because if i don't do it now i will never learn to be comfortable alone and no one should go through life without knowing how to be comfortable alone. i'm just not sure if i'm strong enough to stand alone and watch them walking in hand-holding harmony. i fear that if i look back now, i will cement my feet into this place forever and i know that this is not where my feet belong. not yet. they have too much meandering to do first.
but
how do i not look back when there is nothing to look forward to?

fireproof

i'm going to make it, i just don't know how many pieces of myself will be missing when i do...
this semester is over for me officially monday may 5th at 4pm. i will be able to breathe the thursday prior at 5pm, which is nice, as i am running short on air. I almost made my way to the e.r. again today, but didn't want the hassle and knew that i'd regret it as soon as they gave me the i.v. and i began to feel better. why is it that motivation is lacking when you need it the most??
i think we should all have monthly reminders to cry - if you go too long without crying it's just too much when you actually do break down and let it out. we should have scheduled crying once a month. wouldn't it be sweet if our tears built up and had to be released every once in a while...
i met a new person today. it felt good to be around someone who didn't know the first thing about me. i feel so much more normal when i can just be me without all of the extras that come with being me. i mean, i love the extras, but sometimes i feel like they overshadow the simplicity of who i am right now, - just a girl trying to get a degree at a school in a city without losing her mind like everybody else.
tomorrow is the last discussion day of evolution versus creation and it's about time. i never want to talk about it again after this. if anyone ever asks me what i think about the topic i will throw my hands in the air and run away screaming "there's not enough evidence to prove or disprove the cambrian explosion and even if there was that doesn't explain how punctuated disequilibrium fits into darwin's original hypothesis !!!" there's only so many times you can discuss the same topic before it becomes dead to you. i have enjoyed having the time to journal and look as though i'm deep in evolutionary thought though. now all i have to do is conjure up a presentation and massive research paper. ha. ha. no really, it's due next thursday... (there goes my weekend)
at this point it doesn't even matter what my schedule looks like because the minute i have free time all i can do is sleep or just stare ahead reminding myself to inhale and exhale and repeat. this unit plan may be the death of me, but i'm going to trust dr. moeller in that once i get started on the first one the next four will come to me much easier. they better.
i haven't done a list in a while, and lists are soothing to me, so here it is;
i'm learning to enjoy and look forward to the very little things at this point -
1 reading a chapter of sula before bed(-- of which i have one chapter left and then i'm on to the kite runner!)
2. being able to eat a quick snack with jenn and practice our british accents
3. not being cold when i walk to class
4. getting more than 5 on the crossword puzzle
5. starting the journal mikey gave me for christmas!
6. painting my nails a disgusting malibu barbie pink haha
7. my first experience with sushi will be this friday
8. finding a place to live this summer for 2 months for cheaper than cheap rent
9. my blue aviators that make me feel like a rocker
10. observing joma on friday - that should be awesome, if nothing else than for the fact that we will be spending more time together on that day than we have all semester combined.
what a jumbled list.
job wise i'm still a little confounded. i think i have 3 jobs but i'm not actually sure about any of them haha. i might be tutoring at the hewitt if there are atheletes that need it, i might be mentoring 10 hours a month or more if i pass my background check haha and if there are students with whom i'm compatible, and i might be working at a couple summer camps in lincoln if they can un-lose my application. so basically... i don't have a job. at all. and i'm ok with that. jobs are overrated anyway. you should never do anything just for money because money burns in fires and you should never do anythign for something that can burn in a fire. that's my new philosophy. only do things to receive fireproof rewards. like hugs or ...water? i'm still ironing it out.
enjoy, because every once in a while you really get it. this is an every once in a while. tomorrow, i will have forgotten, but tonight, it makes sense, and i'll be fine.

i read a song blanket in summer school and you?

I forgot how much I love to read. If I could have any job in the world besides being the best teacher ever, I would want to be a professional reader. I started reading Sula by Toni Morrison and have fallen in love with it. I wish I had more time to just read - and read things that I actually want to read, no more of this evolution versus creation nonsense. Of which I only have 9 more hours to sit through!
Wrote a new song yesterday. and it rocks. It might be the most depressing thing i've ever written but it's also one of the most beautiful.
Nora is going to help me make a quilt and I think it will be one of the best things I ever do. I've never been a super crafty person - I have my moments, but overall, I'm better with words and notes than glue and pinking shears. I'm excited to expand on my sewing skills as well, as I really stink at it as of now. Besides, what's more practical than making yourself a blanket?!? c'mon now, that's just brilliant. I'm like the domesticated version of Bear Grillz.
School is really putting up a fight in its last three weeks. This sucker will not die. I have no finals, which is fantastic, but that means that I have presentations, papers, portfolios, unit plans, and probably pieces of my soul due in the three weeks prior to that. Every monday morning I'll be praying that I live to see the light of Thursday at 5pm when the week is over. I will survive, just not with nearly as much margin as I would like to feel comfortable. Maybe it's not about feeling comfortable this semester. I'm learning so much about everything and for that I am grateful, but I wouldn't mind coming up for air every once in a while. The sad thing is that in three weeks everything is going to stop and I'll probably be bored out of my mind until my life gets crazy again with summer school and other mystery events

Hope

Hope. Ephesians 1:18 ..."that you may know the hope to which he has called you..." What is hope? it's the expectation of good. that's it. it must be unseen though - you can't hope in something you can touch or know. that's not hope. and it has to be in the future. You can't hope for something you already have. Hope "finds its expression in endurance under trial" (vines)... It isn't until you are faced with a difficult situation that you really even need hope.
Hope is the anchor of the soul.
What are my hopes for this semester? Honestly, I just wanted to survive. I wanted to stay out of the hospital and pass my classes. Pretty lame hopes huh. My problem was where I was putting my hope - it was based in my weaknesses. It was founded in my limited capacities. That's not what hope's about. If I only allow myself to be as strong as my weaknesses, I'm limiting myself.
So... What are my strengths? I'm still working on that one. I know that they are linked with my passions - teaching, music, language, reading people and understanding how they work, authenticity, writing, ... So how do I function out of these and let God function out of my weaknesses? I've got to orient myself around the things that I'm good at...the things that I can succeed in and do well in. And I am, but I could be even more. I've got an interview for a mentoring position with at-risk teens next week - that's so me - I get that, it makes sense to me. Still not sure about the summer job working with kids in the spanish program, but that would be something I could actually do well, not just do. Working with the international grad students is something that I love as well and that I excel in, so is tutoring the student athletes at the hewitt - it's funny how passions and strengths are so related but why wouldn't they be? If you enjoy doing something, it's probably because you're good at it, and if you're good at something, chances are you'll enjoy it.
What then, is my hope? My hope is Christ. that's it. It's not about what I can and can't do - I'd be in so much trouble if it was! I've got to refocus my hope on the solid rock of Christ and eternal life. It doesn't end here - I've got to figure out a way to wrap my head around the idea that this is just a piece of it all. It will only be then that I will be able to let my hope anchor my life. Without that, I'm adrift in every sense of the word.
And that's what trials are for. Those moments of clarity that you get when suddenly everything makes sense and you can pick out what's important and what really doesn't matter. Trials let you step back and look at your own life in slo-mo, they let you pull your head out of the everyday mundane and grab hold of the real essence of life.
Hope makes all the craziness of this world not such a big deal because I know that I know that I know that there's more to it than what I'm seeing, what I'm feeling.
Hope lets you breathe when everything around you is suffocating you.
Hope helps you see the difference between the temporary and the eternal.
It is my anchor.

when you just don't know

I applied for a job. again. This is a summer job working with the Spanish immersion camp that the city puts on. We'll see if it's even an option considering my summer has been cut in half by summer school and ITA, each of which take three weeks out of summer... the first and last three. Mom wants me to go home for the rest of the summer but I need to make some kind of money here in lincoln. Besides, we have this apartment rented until june 19 and it would just be such a pain to move everything to norfolk and then everything back in a month's time. Melissa mentioned something about getting me a job at the green geteau but I don't know if they hire people under 21. It would be nice to have a constant job that could last more than a month or two for once though. I was tutoring at the Hewit but there's no guarantee for hours there and I haven't worked there for two weeks. Red Lobster is hiring too, but something in me tells me I would hate working in the food industry. Actually something tells me that I shouldn't even be looking for a job until my health is a little more stable. It's taking everything in me to try not to though... i can't help but feel helpless and lame knowing that I'm not making any money.
It looks like I will be able to finish this semester in school after all... I was really wondering there for a while. God has definitely been working behind the curtains cancelling classes for me right and left for no apparent reason. I've only got 5 weeks left to tough it out and I think I can handle that.
I can't remember the last time I felt this unsure about my life in general. I've had so many people ask me "What do you want?" and every time I have no idea what to answer. I don't know. That's a scary place to be...and how did I end up here, not knowing what I want?? And is that an ok place to be? I hate living without some kind of goal, something to work towards. All I'm trying to do now is finish the semester... I'd like to aim at something a little more lofty but I am just not sure if I have the energy to fight for anything else. What do I want? I want to know what I want. Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. What does my heart desire? Part of me is scared to find out... what if it's out of my reach? what if i fail? I don't even know if I want to teach English or Spanish, if I want to live in the states or travel first...
I'd like to be able to take advantage of all these I don't knows... when else in my life will I have the chance to be so flexible, so up in the air?? But there's comfort in being grounded to something, to someone. I'm scared to reach for something, or maybe I just haven't found something worth reaching for yet.