my apologies

highlights of this week:
the cribbage board, the sushi boat, the painting party, juno, 10th grade english students performing their poetry for me, watching johnmark rock the worlds of his students with transcendentalism and yawping, and robbie's first fight... let's just say he choked him out :)
i snapped at her today. i can't remember the last time i snapped at anyone like that. i know it's almost the end of the semester and it might not be a big deal and she's fine but i can't get over it. i don't snap at people. that's not who i am. i don't even know why it all came crashing down today, but it did and i hate that i let my circumstance do that to me. i could think of a million excuses to try to explain myself away but when it boils down to it i'm just embarrassed and ashamed that i acted so foolishly. the second the words escaped from my mouth i knew i had made a mistake and no matter how sorry i was afterwards it didn't matter because i had already stung her with my words. i hate that i did that to her. no one deserves that. no one.
i've gotten into this strange habit of leaving home around 10 am and not coming back until 6pm which i realize isn't that big of a deal but when those 8 hours are jam packed with only a 45 minute break for a lunch that i didn't pack, i don't think i'm doing so hot. granted, i only have to endure 2 more of those days before i can breathe and take a break for summer... I hate feeling rushed or busy like that and apparently it's not good on my health either.
i can't believe i snapped. who does that?
i can't quite get this thing off of me. It feels so comfortable to wear. I know its curves and shapes and i know how it feels. but honestly, it's not best for me no matter how comfortable. i've got to be naked for a while, vulnerable and alone even if it does feel awkward because if i don't do it now i will never learn to be comfortable alone and no one should go through life without knowing how to be comfortable alone. i'm just not sure if i'm strong enough to stand alone and watch them walking in hand-holding harmony. i fear that if i look back now, i will cement my feet into this place forever and i know that this is not where my feet belong. not yet. they have too much meandering to do first.
but
how do i not look back when there is nothing to look forward to?