fireproof

i'm going to make it, i just don't know how many pieces of myself will be missing when i do...
this semester is over for me officially monday may 5th at 4pm. i will be able to breathe the thursday prior at 5pm, which is nice, as i am running short on air. I almost made my way to the e.r. again today, but didn't want the hassle and knew that i'd regret it as soon as they gave me the i.v. and i began to feel better. why is it that motivation is lacking when you need it the most??
i think we should all have monthly reminders to cry - if you go too long without crying it's just too much when you actually do break down and let it out. we should have scheduled crying once a month. wouldn't it be sweet if our tears built up and had to be released every once in a while...
i met a new person today. it felt good to be around someone who didn't know the first thing about me. i feel so much more normal when i can just be me without all of the extras that come with being me. i mean, i love the extras, but sometimes i feel like they overshadow the simplicity of who i am right now, - just a girl trying to get a degree at a school in a city without losing her mind like everybody else.
tomorrow is the last discussion day of evolution versus creation and it's about time. i never want to talk about it again after this. if anyone ever asks me what i think about the topic i will throw my hands in the air and run away screaming "there's not enough evidence to prove or disprove the cambrian explosion and even if there was that doesn't explain how punctuated disequilibrium fits into darwin's original hypothesis !!!" there's only so many times you can discuss the same topic before it becomes dead to you. i have enjoyed having the time to journal and look as though i'm deep in evolutionary thought though. now all i have to do is conjure up a presentation and massive research paper. ha. ha. no really, it's due next thursday... (there goes my weekend)
at this point it doesn't even matter what my schedule looks like because the minute i have free time all i can do is sleep or just stare ahead reminding myself to inhale and exhale and repeat. this unit plan may be the death of me, but i'm going to trust dr. moeller in that once i get started on the first one the next four will come to me much easier. they better.
i haven't done a list in a while, and lists are soothing to me, so here it is;
i'm learning to enjoy and look forward to the very little things at this point -
1 reading a chapter of sula before bed(-- of which i have one chapter left and then i'm on to the kite runner!)
2. being able to eat a quick snack with jenn and practice our british accents
3. not being cold when i walk to class
4. getting more than 5 on the crossword puzzle
5. starting the journal mikey gave me for christmas!
6. painting my nails a disgusting malibu barbie pink haha
7. my first experience with sushi will be this friday
8. finding a place to live this summer for 2 months for cheaper than cheap rent
9. my blue aviators that make me feel like a rocker
10. observing joma on friday - that should be awesome, if nothing else than for the fact that we will be spending more time together on that day than we have all semester combined.
what a jumbled list.
job wise i'm still a little confounded. i think i have 3 jobs but i'm not actually sure about any of them haha. i might be tutoring at the hewitt if there are atheletes that need it, i might be mentoring 10 hours a month or more if i pass my background check haha and if there are students with whom i'm compatible, and i might be working at a couple summer camps in lincoln if they can un-lose my application. so basically... i don't have a job. at all. and i'm ok with that. jobs are overrated anyway. you should never do anything just for money because money burns in fires and you should never do anythign for something that can burn in a fire. that's my new philosophy. only do things to receive fireproof rewards. like hugs or ...water? i'm still ironing it out.
enjoy, because every once in a while you really get it. this is an every once in a while. tomorrow, i will have forgotten, but tonight, it makes sense, and i'll be fine.