when you just don't know

I applied for a job. again. This is a summer job working with the Spanish immersion camp that the city puts on. We'll see if it's even an option considering my summer has been cut in half by summer school and ITA, each of which take three weeks out of summer... the first and last three. Mom wants me to go home for the rest of the summer but I need to make some kind of money here in lincoln. Besides, we have this apartment rented until june 19 and it would just be such a pain to move everything to norfolk and then everything back in a month's time. Melissa mentioned something about getting me a job at the green geteau but I don't know if they hire people under 21. It would be nice to have a constant job that could last more than a month or two for once though. I was tutoring at the Hewit but there's no guarantee for hours there and I haven't worked there for two weeks. Red Lobster is hiring too, but something in me tells me I would hate working in the food industry. Actually something tells me that I shouldn't even be looking for a job until my health is a little more stable. It's taking everything in me to try not to though... i can't help but feel helpless and lame knowing that I'm not making any money.
It looks like I will be able to finish this semester in school after all... I was really wondering there for a while. God has definitely been working behind the curtains cancelling classes for me right and left for no apparent reason. I've only got 5 weeks left to tough it out and I think I can handle that.
I can't remember the last time I felt this unsure about my life in general. I've had so many people ask me "What do you want?" and every time I have no idea what to answer. I don't know. That's a scary place to be...and how did I end up here, not knowing what I want?? And is that an ok place to be? I hate living without some kind of goal, something to work towards. All I'm trying to do now is finish the semester... I'd like to aim at something a little more lofty but I am just not sure if I have the energy to fight for anything else. What do I want? I want to know what I want. Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. What does my heart desire? Part of me is scared to find out... what if it's out of my reach? what if i fail? I don't even know if I want to teach English or Spanish, if I want to live in the states or travel first...
I'd like to be able to take advantage of all these I don't knows... when else in my life will I have the chance to be so flexible, so up in the air?? But there's comfort in being grounded to something, to someone. I'm scared to reach for something, or maybe I just haven't found something worth reaching for yet.