happy birthday to my old old old brother

there's something unbelievably true about being utterly alone...
i finished this semester, much to my own surprise. it's summer now, and i'm not sure what to do with myself, besides cry, which i guess isn't a bad place to start. oh yeah, and read. i'm on to The Bell Jar, just finished The Kite Runner. i'm loving it so far, but she still has to become mentally insane so we'll see how that turns out. i'm still waiting to hear how i did in a class or two, but i think my gpa will survive this semester with nothing but a little bruise on its ego.
i'm home for a week now, hopefully i'll return with my sanity fully intact. i'm excited to get out of lincoln but i'm not that stoked about norfolk - there's just nothing really there for me besides the company of my parents and the comfort of my house. i have little if any plans for the next 3 months of my life and i'm trying to be ok with that. maybe something will come up, like a trip back to spain... oh wouldn't that be lovely. i think it's just what i need. i always think i need to get away though. and i don't think that's the best way to live your life... i mean, it's ok when you're 20 and single, but getting away is no longer an acceptable way of dealing with your problems when you have a real job and a family. which, could still be quite a while for me. it probably should for my family's sake. besides, i'm finding that whatever i'm running from usually catches up with me at some point or another.
one more year of school left, half of which i hope to spend out of nebraska. and by hope, i mean, i will suffer some kind of deep mental illness if that does not happen. this is the first year i've had summer school since american history my sophomore year of high school. i'm not all that psyched about it, but it will give me the freedom to take only 15 credit hours next semester, and i'm pretty sure i couldn't do more than that. (as well as the freedom to use the rec this summer, which i think will become the closest thing to a getaway in spain as i will have for quite some time.)
had another wonderful visit to the er this weekend... somedays...somedays i feel like i will never know anything but this sickness. somedays i can't see anything but my disease. it envelops every part of who i am. my body follows the commands of my illness and i cannot escape it. somedays that's ok, but other days i feel like i'm trapped. i hate feeling trapped. that's the thing about this sickness... i can't run away from it. or at least haven't found a way to yet...
homeward bound. if you're going to be in norfolk as well, lemme know so we can sit and discuss the meaning of life or why it is that you can be in a room full of people and still feel like the only person who is alive in the whole world.
all my love
jen
p.s. happy birthday to you sir, john mark. as your birthday present, i will not hold a grudge against you for not being at your house this morning at 7am when we were supposed to go to lincoln east so i could observe you again even though i could have slept in instead of waking up in a rush at a very early time. i love you, sir.