i don't have time to write, but i'll die if i don't.
i have no idea if i did the right thing. I can't help but feel that this decision is going against everything that i stand for, to put it in the words of ewin mcgregor, "truth, beauty, freedom, and above all else, love." When did I become logical? Since when do I put rational thought above my own feelings?! I refuse to become hard-hearted. the pain is real, I know that, but is it necessary? I think I might have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. And I'll always wonder what could've been. And i know that that's not how life is meant to be lived, but isn't it better to wonder what could've been than to be indifferent to what was? The only hope I have to hang on to is knowing that I can only see so much from where I am, and sometimes He requires that we trust despite our every feeling. And as much as I'd like to say this is logic, it's really my gut, my spiritual instinct and self-discipline telling me to be wise despite my feelings. It's living on what I know that I know that I know despite what I see or feel. But that doesn't mean my heart isn't screaming.
I'm so sorry, for what it's worth.
jen

don't read this

what i'm learning:
1.boundaries are one of the strangest gifts that we have been given. From the inside looking out all they do is hinder and restrict but from the outside looking in they protect and guard. i'm not one for boundaries for many reasons, but am learning the hard way that boundaries are what allow us to get so close to people without losing ourselves in them. people are meant to come and go. if they weren't then we wouldn't be able to move. life is fluid and so are people but boundaries are constant and must remain that way for our own sake.
2. there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. and it's not a great thing. it's the rarity of events, the uniqueness of situations that make them special and wearing them out causes them to lose their meaning and luster. there's a reason we don't walk around in prom dresses and tuxedos.
3. i carry stress and anxiety in my shoulders, or at least that's what my yoga instructor told me.
4. family trumps friends. always. not because they're better or closer to you, but because they share your blood, and that should be enough.
5. sean, i think you are an infj. seriously, check it out.
6. if i don't do the things i've always wanted to do now, they won't get done.
7. i caught a glimpse of the lord's compassion for the lost today and it literally took my breath away. i was praying to see the world through his eyes and i was overtaken by grief. i heard the screaming of the lost and alone and i saw the pain in the eyes of the dejected and hopeless and it killed me. i know that it would be impossible to live life in that state, seeing and hearing the cries of the lost, but i pray that i will never underestimate the value of a human being's soul.
8. life is much more fun when you quit looking around to see people's reaction to you and just be who you are. it's not about being right; it's about being. and i think that sometimes i'm so afraid of not being one hundred percent on, not being perfect, that i actually refuse to be anything at all and end up missing out on valuable opportunities.
9. rice crispies taste much better with honey.
10.

you shall above all things be glad and young

you shall above all things be glad and young
For if you're young,whatever life you wear

it will become you;and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on;and his mind take off time

that you should ever think,may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave
called progress,and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
-ee cummings

you know how sometimes real life, - real, raw, gritty life hits you in the face, knocks the wind out of you, and makes you see, if only for a second... what it's all about? and it kills you and thrills you at the same time. i'm too afraid to move but too scared to stay where i am. i can see this only ending in tears.
i'm there.
now.

so i'm way behind on this blog, what's new... i've been without internet for the past week, and without running water or electricity for the past 5 days. Went out to wyoming on a climbing trip and had the time of my life on several accounts. i'm addicted to climbing, i love the rush, and just the company. i love primitive camping (and i love showering a million times once i get home). i love taking walks in the middle of nowhere. i love the sound of rushing water putting me to sleep. i love pushing myself farther than i have before. i love learning new things. i love defying gravity. i love fighting up a wall because i can't fight against my disease. speaking of fighting against my disease, i took remicade today. yeah, i know. the thing that i've been killing myself trying to avoid since january. had somewhat of a breakdown last night...this morning..whatever. i keep thinking that this is me giving up - that i should've tried harder, that i missed something, but i think that this is just me fighting with everything that i have. besides, i was overdue for an i.v. let's be honest- i was starting to get itchy haha. things are somewhat back to normal, if anything in my life can ever be classified as normal. school starts on monday, for which i am ill prepared to say the least. got books today - only three, shouldn't be too bad, and practicum doesn't start until a couple weeks after school does. no job yet, i'm too busy trying not to die. it's on my list though. wrote a song, or at least finished one that i've been working on for a while. i'm happy about it. i never know what a song is about until i'm done writing it and then it hits me... i like that. heading to omaha tomorrow and friday to see some friends and mom - as much as i wish she could've been here for all this nonsense i'm glad she wasn't. india is cooler than nebraska. always. i can't wait to hear about her trip! i'm learning more and more that my mom is not your average mom and i really am grateful for that - i think it makes me not your average person and i'm ok with that. i feel like i should say that if this blog seems to be random or out of order, it's because i'm on drugs. again. speaking of drugs, again, i'm on steroids, again. until at least two months from now. wanna know what i think about that? i bet you do, but i'm trying to restrain myself. roid rage is very dangerous so i'm trying not to think about it. time has been in the strangest mixture of standstill and speed-of-light combination i can imagine. i can't believe i was out camping and climbing for five days but at the same time i feel like i've been gone for a year. not to mention today - i have no idea of today was 2 hours or 200 hours long, chances are it was neither :) feels strange though. spent most of the day...all of the day by myself. that always throws me off - i feel super weird after too much alone time, not to mention strange iv drugs. talked to the boys today - all three of them :) dad's been way way cool about this whole thing, and mike was being his badass self, jm was as calm as ever, nothing i wasn't expecting. i love my boys. i miss them too... i feel like crying is no longer a strange overflow of emotions but a break from regular activity. i've cried so much lately i forget that i'm crying until i see the tear stains. not that that's a bad thing - i don't mind really, it's just funny that what is a big deal sometimes is as normal as breathing other times. i'm really not sure where i'm going with this blog, other than trying to update as much as possible. supposed to see jared this weekend too - not sure how that's going to work with omaha and whatnot... it will figure itself out. i'm really to emotionally and mentally and physically shot to worry about it and that's a good thing. i do wish i was climbing outside, despite my total lack of energy. oh yeah, hemoglobin was 9. that's a sucky number for hemoglobin, for those of you who don't know. i was pretty bummed about that because that means that my tiredness on a scale of one to ten is greater than five and there's nothing i can do about it besides sleep a crapton which i'd rather not do especially when my number of free days is so limited. i get another dose of remi-goodness in 2 weeks... shouldn't take quite as long, but there it is. my life. it's different, going into the hospital for an appointment. i think i like it better than the er. but the er smells much more important and...urgent. i should probably stop writing before this blog gets any longer. i will say that i had one of the most refreshing spiritual conversations with a near stranger and it saved my life. so thanks for that, stranger. i forget how important it is to remember the supernatural. alright i'm stopping now while i'm ahead? if i even am ahead. p.s. don't ever ask me to do drugs with you. i will say no. i think i've done enough drugs to last me 4 lifetimes. besides, drugs are for fools.

jenn and i are happily settled into our new apartment, thanks to jenn's hardcore cleaning and organizing skills! feels good to be box free- aside from the rest of ryan's stuff which will go soon too. i didn't realize how far away from campus we were until now - as soon as i get my tires fixed, i plan on riding to campus as often as possible. it's maybe a mile - not bad at all.
last day of steroids was monday...and my body definitely knows it. withdrawal is pretty bad, but it helps knowing or at least hoping that this is the last set of withdrawal symptoms i'll have to go through! I was pretty sick wednesday and not feeling too hot at all today - but i'm hanging in there, anything to avoid the hospital again. i'm not sure what adrenal failure feels like besides extreme fatigue, but i don't think i have it. i mean, i am freaking tired but that's partly because i'm working 8 to 4 and then climbing or swimming for an hour or so afterward. naps have become an irreplaceable part of my day - i hope that i will still have time for them once school starts (aka i won't have time for them but should...) it's probably going to be either climbing/swimming or a nap...and life's too short to sleep. i know i say that now and i'll probably change my mind once the mayhem of the semester begins...
you know you've been around internationals too long when you can't read a book without hearing an accent of it in your head haha. i do love my job, as exhausting as it is, and i will be sad when it's over next thursday. it's a strange phenomenon - when you put a group of people through the same strenuous experience, how close they become. haven't applied for anything else during the fall semester - part of me is not sure i'll be well enough to keep a job, but i guess it wouldn't hurt to look, if for no other reason than to raise my morale haha.
climbing trip is next thursday! i'm most definitely excited. i don't even care if i fall a million times or don't even make it up; the sheer fact that i'll be outside with no contact to the world as i know it will be enough for me. i plan on getting some serious reading/writing done - but i guess we'll see what happens.
finished life of pi and bastard of out carolina this week. both were better than i had thought they would be, but for completely different reasons. i'm one book away from reaching my goal of 25 books for the summer and i only have a couple chapters left of renovation of the heart - go my team :)
kaitlin came up for a day this week. which, coincidentally, was my favorite day this week haha. we went climbing, made brownies, and fell asleep to an old audrey hepburn film. i could do that every day of the week for the rest of my life and be happy. i guess not being able to is what makes it so special though. trying to fit in a trip to omaha to visit kaitlin and krista before school starts.
what climbing has taught me about my faith:
1. inertia - the law applies to both. it is harder to do what you have not done before or have not been doing in a while. the more times you do something, the more natural and easier it becomes. the same goes for a route as for a spiritual discipline (fasting, meditation, worship, acts of service...)
2. you are as capable as you allow yourself to be. attitudes of self-defeat are not only not helpful but actually hinder your ability to accomplish a goal, whether it be spiritual or physical.
3. the best way to improve yourself is to associate yourself with people who have the characteristics that you wish to see in your own life. if i want to be a better climber, i must listen to and hang around good climbers. if i want to be closer to the Lord, I must find and hang out with people who are doing that very thing in their own life.
think that's all for now... not much planned for this weekend (aka it's gonna be a good one) hope to get some reading done, i work sunday, and mikey and courtney are coming up tomorrow for a couple hours! there's a new playground all space age-like beimg built a couple blocks from my house i'd like to explore - let me know if you're game :) i'm sure climbing and swimming and naps and reading will all be in there somewhere too.
good quote of the day regarding the body: "care for it only as it serves god's purposes in your life and the lives of others" - from renovation of the heart. definitely a conviction for me and my vanity... something i'm working on

wow so it's been a while. not sure what all has happened as of late, i guess i'll start with the latest shenanigans. moving. holy crap. so apparently two girls moving into an apartment with two boys whose stuff is still there is not the best idea. it was a war zone here for a good week. it's getting better, slowly. i think i can at least make myself a sandwich if necessary. work is going well - i started my job as a teaching assistant for the international graduate students and i love it. i'm also learning a ton about esl which is the ultimate goal.
climbing and swimming are still high on my agenda, but it's been a little crazy lately. i was in norfolk for a week working with vbs - i had 18 preschoolers! yeah, be jealous. we even made tie-dye shirts. with 4 year olds. man that's brave.
jm had a slam last night - totally rocked. it was also his going away party of sorts - it hasn't really hit me that he's leaving yet, but i don't even see him all that often in lincoln anyway... and now i have an excuse to head out to cali.
can't think of much else of worth. tomorrow's my last day of prednisone (adrenal failure, here i come!) and i'm nervous as all get out. i can feel my body fighting it, but i'm not giving up just yet. school starts in 3 weeks too!! still plugging away on honors research, which is slow going but fun, or as fun as research can be.
this is probably the worst blog i've ever posted. sorry. i promise to make a more emotional, deep, and profound post soon...ish.