so i'm way behind on this blog, what's new... i've been without internet for the past week, and without running water or electricity for the past 5 days. Went out to wyoming on a climbing trip and had the time of my life on several accounts. i'm addicted to climbing, i love the rush, and just the company. i love primitive camping (and i love showering a million times once i get home). i love taking walks in the middle of nowhere. i love the sound of rushing water putting me to sleep. i love pushing myself farther than i have before. i love learning new things. i love defying gravity. i love fighting up a wall because i can't fight against my disease. speaking of fighting against my disease, i took remicade today. yeah, i know. the thing that i've been killing myself trying to avoid since january. had somewhat of a breakdown last night...this morning..whatever. i keep thinking that this is me giving up - that i should've tried harder, that i missed something, but i think that this is just me fighting with everything that i have. besides, i was overdue for an i.v. let's be honest- i was starting to get itchy haha. things are somewhat back to normal, if anything in my life can ever be classified as normal. school starts on monday, for which i am ill prepared to say the least. got books today - only three, shouldn't be too bad, and practicum doesn't start until a couple weeks after school does. no job yet, i'm too busy trying not to die. it's on my list though. wrote a song, or at least finished one that i've been working on for a while. i'm happy about it. i never know what a song is about until i'm done writing it and then it hits me... i like that. heading to omaha tomorrow and friday to see some friends and mom - as much as i wish she could've been here for all this nonsense i'm glad she wasn't. india is cooler than nebraska. always. i can't wait to hear about her trip! i'm learning more and more that my mom is not your average mom and i really am grateful for that - i think it makes me not your average person and i'm ok with that. i feel like i should say that if this blog seems to be random or out of order, it's because i'm on drugs. again. speaking of drugs, again, i'm on steroids, again. until at least two months from now. wanna know what i think about that? i bet you do, but i'm trying to restrain myself. roid rage is very dangerous so i'm trying not to think about it. time has been in the strangest mixture of standstill and speed-of-light combination i can imagine. i can't believe i was out camping and climbing for five days but at the same time i feel like i've been gone for a year. not to mention today - i have no idea of today was 2 hours or 200 hours long, chances are it was neither :) feels strange though. spent most of the day...all of the day by myself. that always throws me off - i feel super weird after too much alone time, not to mention strange iv drugs. talked to the boys today - all three of them :) dad's been way way cool about this whole thing, and mike was being his badass self, jm was as calm as ever, nothing i wasn't expecting. i love my boys. i miss them too... i feel like crying is no longer a strange overflow of emotions but a break from regular activity. i've cried so much lately i forget that i'm crying until i see the tear stains. not that that's a bad thing - i don't mind really, it's just funny that what is a big deal sometimes is as normal as breathing other times. i'm really not sure where i'm going with this blog, other than trying to update as much as possible. supposed to see jared this weekend too - not sure how that's going to work with omaha and whatnot... it will figure itself out. i'm really to emotionally and mentally and physically shot to worry about it and that's a good thing. i do wish i was climbing outside, despite my total lack of energy. oh yeah, hemoglobin was 9. that's a sucky number for hemoglobin, for those of you who don't know. i was pretty bummed about that because that means that my tiredness on a scale of one to ten is greater than five and there's nothing i can do about it besides sleep a crapton which i'd rather not do especially when my number of free days is so limited. i get another dose of remi-goodness in 2 weeks... shouldn't take quite as long, but there it is. my life. it's different, going into the hospital for an appointment. i think i like it better than the er. but the er smells much more important and...urgent. i should probably stop writing before this blog gets any longer. i will say that i had one of the most refreshing spiritual conversations with a near stranger and it saved my life. so thanks for that, stranger. i forget how important it is to remember the supernatural. alright i'm stopping now while i'm ahead? if i even am ahead. p.s. don't ever ask me to do drugs with you. i will say no. i think i've done enough drugs to last me 4 lifetimes. besides, drugs are for fools.