oh it was glorious. climbing all weekend in colorado was so very much exactly what i needed it and wanted it to be...minus a couple scary falls. it was good for my heart to see friends and not have to work or worry about the shenanigans that are happening back home, not that there weren't any shenanigans that took place in colorado, you crazy climbers. If it weren't true before, Lindsay is still one of my very favorite people in the world, and not just because of her mad dance skills. she made this trip unforgettable :) my main man guero was there too, and i'm only mad that i only get the chance to see him on trips like these. he speaks and writes truth like very few people i know, and it reminds me of what's real.
linds, this is for you: "I'd rather die than be doing this" "My thing broke your thing. possiblity?" and "I thought three person tent meant two person sleeping bag!"
and now i'm back here at life, but i secretly don't care (yes kaitlin, just like i'm secretly going to break the space time continuum). i mean, whatever happens happens and i can either freak out or have fun stumbling through this semester. wait, does my team have stumbling? if not, i'm calling it now, guero. you guys can have tripping. p.s. have fun with your refrigeration and ice when we have water...HA! and i officially decided, or rather, unofficially decided that i'm done labeling things. it is what it is, and i'm ok with that. things begin and things end and i can accept the things i have or fight against them. i'd rather fight for the voiceless and broken than for my own want to have a clean and organized life. there are more important things in life than this, and i'm fine with that. there are more important things in life than me, and i'm more than fine with that.
booked a trip out to san diego, so it's really happening! I'm going to miss my peeps here, but i know that this world is too big for me to stay here much longer. I leave for good in three months, and i'm actually ok with that.
life is crazy once again, but i'm no longer concerned with my sanity. it's overrated anyway. besides, sane people don't have nearly as much fun, right ma? haha just kiddin'.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
sad thoughts:
1. i feel like every time i get a chance to catch my breath it all starts again and i'm right back at the beginning tripping over my own feet trying to keep up. as soon as one thing gets done another one starts. The minute i get in a full 8 hours of sleep one night i get 2 the next.
2. i wish i could say that i can see things slowing down but frankly i have a feeling that is as slow as things will ever be in my life. the minute i become responsible for more than just my own life i will lose even more ground. actually i'm thinking it might be easier to just hurry up and do the family thing so i can quit being dissapointed in what i do and don't get done and i can focus on something other than my own problems and instead focus on those closest to me.
3. and i know it's not about getting it all done but about being at peace but i've forgotten what that even feels like. and i either have time to do the things that are due the next day or the things that are ultimately important to get me where i want to go, but i can't seem to juggle both. It's either the spanish quiz for tomorrow or looking up high schools in san diego that accept student teachers, but never both. urgency and importance are vying for my attention and i'm losing my grip on everything the tighter i hang onto it.
4. july of 06 i wrote:
Life is only 80 years long. That’s it. that’s as long as I have. I must figure out what is important in life and focus on it always ,every day, or it will all be worthless. So where does this leave me? What if he’s not real? How do I live life to the fullest? If this is really it. how do I keep from getting lost in the details of the to do lists, the every-day routine? How do I force myself to remember that this is life. That this is everything. This is my one and only chance to do, be anything
and i'm still wondering exactly how to go about keeping the big picture in mind when all these details are pulling at me from every direction.
5. I am way behind on my honors thesis, which wouldn't be a big deal except, well, it's a big deal.
6. I'm losing touch with some of the things that i love to do and some of the people that i just plain love because of time and money. Two things that should never keep you from doing what you love.
7. I miss Mikey. a lot. phone calls just don't cut it sometimes.
8. My eyes are doing that thing where they are burning for no other reason than to try and convince you to go to sleep even though you know you have a million things to do before tomorrow and if you close your eyes now it will never get done. But you have no way to tell this to your eyes so they just keep burning hoping that you'll eventually give up and just give in and freaking sleep.
9. "he reaches out and he takes my hand. Little does he know that he's holding a corpse. "Baby, he says 'what's wrong' 'baby' i say, 'where do i start' I am broken. I am sick. My body's ravaged. i am not me anymore." -song #2
10. I'm always 2 inches away from quitting, falling, failing, losing, being lost, being overlooked, missing out, oversleeping, overstepping, and underachieving.
less- sad thoughts
1. Yoga
2. Reading Water for Elephants
3. Recording an album of my own stuff
4. rice crispies with honey (seriously, uh-mazing)
5. not being dead
6. Reading A heartbreaking work of staggering genius
7. going climbing next weekend
8. one week mark of being out of the er
9. Reading I and Thou
10. god is sovereign, always.
1. i feel like every time i get a chance to catch my breath it all starts again and i'm right back at the beginning tripping over my own feet trying to keep up. as soon as one thing gets done another one starts. The minute i get in a full 8 hours of sleep one night i get 2 the next.
2. i wish i could say that i can see things slowing down but frankly i have a feeling that is as slow as things will ever be in my life. the minute i become responsible for more than just my own life i will lose even more ground. actually i'm thinking it might be easier to just hurry up and do the family thing so i can quit being dissapointed in what i do and don't get done and i can focus on something other than my own problems and instead focus on those closest to me.
3. and i know it's not about getting it all done but about being at peace but i've forgotten what that even feels like. and i either have time to do the things that are due the next day or the things that are ultimately important to get me where i want to go, but i can't seem to juggle both. It's either the spanish quiz for tomorrow or looking up high schools in san diego that accept student teachers, but never both. urgency and importance are vying for my attention and i'm losing my grip on everything the tighter i hang onto it.
4. july of 06 i wrote:
Life is only 80 years long. That’s it. that’s as long as I have. I must figure out what is important in life and focus on it always ,every day, or it will all be worthless. So where does this leave me? What if he’s not real? How do I live life to the fullest? If this is really it. how do I keep from getting lost in the details of the to do lists, the every-day routine? How do I force myself to remember that this is life. That this is everything. This is my one and only chance to do, be anything
and i'm still wondering exactly how to go about keeping the big picture in mind when all these details are pulling at me from every direction.
5. I am way behind on my honors thesis, which wouldn't be a big deal except, well, it's a big deal.
6. I'm losing touch with some of the things that i love to do and some of the people that i just plain love because of time and money. Two things that should never keep you from doing what you love.
7. I miss Mikey. a lot. phone calls just don't cut it sometimes.
8. My eyes are doing that thing where they are burning for no other reason than to try and convince you to go to sleep even though you know you have a million things to do before tomorrow and if you close your eyes now it will never get done. But you have no way to tell this to your eyes so they just keep burning hoping that you'll eventually give up and just give in and freaking sleep.
9. "he reaches out and he takes my hand. Little does he know that he's holding a corpse. "Baby, he says 'what's wrong' 'baby' i say, 'where do i start' I am broken. I am sick. My body's ravaged. i am not me anymore." -song #2
10. I'm always 2 inches away from quitting, falling, failing, losing, being lost, being overlooked, missing out, oversleeping, overstepping, and underachieving.
less- sad thoughts
1. Yoga
2. Reading Water for Elephants
3. Recording an album of my own stuff
4. rice crispies with honey (seriously, uh-mazing)
5. not being dead
6. Reading A heartbreaking work of staggering genius
7. going climbing next weekend
8. one week mark of being out of the er
9. Reading I and Thou
10. god is sovereign, always.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I'm running on empty and my mind is a complete blank despite the myriad of things I have going on now. I was in the er again. this weekend. I don't really know what to say about it other than it sucked, as usual. Another cat scan, another dose of iv steroids and narcotics, another lecture from the doctors, another scare, another series of what if's and now what's. I can't decide if I'm healthy or sick, and there seems to be no in between. I'm trying to get by until my next iv infusion... in 2 weeks...after the climbing trip to shelf.
I record my album in...3 days. and i'm not ready. life has happened and once again i'm falling behind, tripping on my own steps to catch up. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, and disappointed. I'm all sorts of out of it, and haven't been able to climb or swim since monday (aka too long). I'll have an hour to climb today, but it's "far from ideal" to quote a friend of mine.
School is insane, as is work, as is practicum. I have random half hours of time throughout the day (usually two, three if i'm lucky) in which i'm required to do the hours of homework, housework, and life work that have piled up. this is my last semester here, and it wasn't supposed to be like this, story of my life.
I record my album in...3 days. and i'm not ready. life has happened and once again i'm falling behind, tripping on my own steps to catch up. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, and disappointed. I'm all sorts of out of it, and haven't been able to climb or swim since monday (aka too long). I'll have an hour to climb today, but it's "far from ideal" to quote a friend of mine.
School is insane, as is work, as is practicum. I have random half hours of time throughout the day (usually two, three if i'm lucky) in which i'm required to do the hours of homework, housework, and life work that have piled up. this is my last semester here, and it wasn't supposed to be like this, story of my life.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
please don't ask me to save you
I can see that you're drowning but alas I cannot seem to reach you, for you see, I too am drowning.
I can't quite accept that it's over. Not yet. Not until I've cried him out of my veins. Not until the marrow of my very bones has been sucked dry and I have etched the pieces of what we could have been into every tear that travels down my cheek. Not until I have scraped him from the inside of my heart. Not until I have erased his scent, his aura from every fiber of my being. Not until I can inhale and exhale without feeling him in every breath I take. Not until my heartbeat stops beating to the rhythm of "I miss him" and "I'm so sorry." Not until I quit hearing him in every song, seeing him in every stranger, always out of the corner of my eye, always right behind me, always out of reach. Until I look. And realize it's not him. It's never him. It's never going to be him, again.
I can't quite accept that it's over. Not yet. Not until I've cried him out of my veins. Not until the marrow of my very bones has been sucked dry and I have etched the pieces of what we could have been into every tear that travels down my cheek. Not until I have scraped him from the inside of my heart. Not until I have erased his scent, his aura from every fiber of my being. Not until I can inhale and exhale without feeling him in every breath I take. Not until my heartbeat stops beating to the rhythm of "I miss him" and "I'm so sorry." Not until I quit hearing him in every song, seeing him in every stranger, always out of the corner of my eye, always right behind me, always out of reach. Until I look. And realize it's not him. It's never him. It's never going to be him, again.
You are a miracle, but that is not all.
You are also a stiff drink, and I am on call.
You are a party, and I am a school night
I'm looking for my door key but you are my porch light
And you'll never know dear just how much I loved you
You probably think this is just my big excuse
But I stand committed to a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is just one of my truths.
-ani difranco, school night.
You are also a stiff drink, and I am on call.
You are a party, and I am a school night
I'm looking for my door key but you are my porch light
And you'll never know dear just how much I loved you
You probably think this is just my big excuse
But I stand committed to a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is just one of my truths.
-ani difranco, school night.
Monday, September 8, 2008
this week is insane and if i survive i would like a personal congratulations from... winston churchill. yup. that's right. p.s. the sole purpose of this blog is to vent so don't hope to gain any deep insight into my life from this other than my schedule. today should be fine, it's tuesday that will put me on my knees begging for mercy. i am tutoring 5 different students, maybe 6, for an hour each. plus class and other meetings with advisors. i know it's my job, but i can complain about it if i want to. it's just exhausting to teach one-on-one for an hour, let alone 5. "i love my job i love my job i love my job i love my job..."
another thing i'd like to say:
you know how your nose itches if someone is thinking about you? well, if you take allergy medicine to make it stop, does that mean that they can't think about you anymore? yeah, that's right. those are the kind of questions i have. every day. this is how i keep my sanity, so don't start with me.
i'm going to go take some allergy medicine. so don't even try to think about me. your best efforts will not stand a chance against the mighty power of claritin.
p.s. so i'm not going crazy, right? ... guys???
another thing i'd like to say:
you know how your nose itches if someone is thinking about you? well, if you take allergy medicine to make it stop, does that mean that they can't think about you anymore? yeah, that's right. those are the kind of questions i have. every day. this is how i keep my sanity, so don't start with me.
i'm going to go take some allergy medicine. so don't even try to think about me. your best efforts will not stand a chance against the mighty power of claritin.
p.s. so i'm not going crazy, right? ... guys???
Thursday, September 4, 2008
holy long blog batman!
This growing up thing is finally happening... I can see it right around the corner and there are so many people behind me running in the same direction that I can't turn around and fight the mob. And these people, these counselors and teachers and future jobs and future plans and future savings account and future family are all pulling at me and now I can't remember why I was running so hard in this direction in the first place. Why oh why was I ever in a hurry to grow up? and how do i stop now? we got our packet assignments today for student teaching... and this is the real thing. as soon as february i start applying for a real job. w.t.f. seriously, i didn't ask for this. And I realize that whatever i end up doing will by no means be a boring grown up job - at least not yet, but for the love of all things righteous and holy, why is this all happening now?
and, i'm sick, to top it off. not crohn's sick, but remicade sick, which is different, but still equally unfun. started reading "only revolutions" so making up words is totally allowed. i feel like i got ran over by a cement truck. twice. tomorrow is friday at least, that is my saving grace at this point. nora and teddy and the kids are coming over for supper tomorrow - hooray! not sure i'll have the energy for that, but i need it :) it's the least i could do for them for all that they've done for me!
swam a mile today. felt so good. i never think i'll have the energy to finish it during the first 800 or so and then somehow it gets done! it was especially exhausing today though, i can tell my body is getting weak, which is weird considering i'm gaining weight... i guess i'm not complaining as long as i'm out of the hospital.
is it a sign of maturing that you can be so close to god in some areas of your life and completely miss the boat in others? jenn and i were talking about that - how in some areas of our life we are right on and can hear god and are in step with him, but in others it's like we cannot seem to do anything right- i remember when i used to be hot or cold for god, and now i feel like i might be learning to be a little more stable.
tutoring a ton of student athletes - and i love it. if i could, i'd just tutor english and spanish all the time working with students one on one or in small groups. it's the way to go! not sure if i want to apply for a job just yet, which is fine because teaching at lps wouldn't start until october anyway so i have time to turn it down if i want - but it would only be one day a week after school and at 18 dollars an hour... not sure i'll be wanting to turn that down! plus, i haven't work with elementary kids in a couple months- i miss those boogers
i wonder if crying would make me feel better. you can never tell if it will make you feel better or worse until after you start and i think i might be too tired to try. but i'm not too tired to fall asleep watching pirates of penzance. what's that? you've never heard of the greatest musical comedy of all time? well, you should go rent it. if you can find it. i found it at the library... the lord was watching out for me that day haha :)
glorious saturday, oh i'm psyched. why? i have nothing planned, minus lunch. i can do lunch.
what will end up happening on saturday:
renew drivers license
change car oil
read article for class
take notes for spanish stylistics
email advisor
write out essay
deal with unknown crisis that will come up friday night
spend a couple hours rating student samples
plan out english lesson
read
laundry
walgreens
climb!
finish ceramics assignment...wait it's closed saturday. sunday?
yikes that's it. i'm getting stressed just thinking about it and blogging is supposed to be a destressing activity. .crap. let's see.. ponies... yeah.....i like ponies.
and, i'm sick, to top it off. not crohn's sick, but remicade sick, which is different, but still equally unfun. started reading "only revolutions" so making up words is totally allowed. i feel like i got ran over by a cement truck. twice. tomorrow is friday at least, that is my saving grace at this point. nora and teddy and the kids are coming over for supper tomorrow - hooray! not sure i'll have the energy for that, but i need it :) it's the least i could do for them for all that they've done for me!
swam a mile today. felt so good. i never think i'll have the energy to finish it during the first 800 or so and then somehow it gets done! it was especially exhausing today though, i can tell my body is getting weak, which is weird considering i'm gaining weight... i guess i'm not complaining as long as i'm out of the hospital.
is it a sign of maturing that you can be so close to god in some areas of your life and completely miss the boat in others? jenn and i were talking about that - how in some areas of our life we are right on and can hear god and are in step with him, but in others it's like we cannot seem to do anything right- i remember when i used to be hot or cold for god, and now i feel like i might be learning to be a little more stable.
tutoring a ton of student athletes - and i love it. if i could, i'd just tutor english and spanish all the time working with students one on one or in small groups. it's the way to go! not sure if i want to apply for a job just yet, which is fine because teaching at lps wouldn't start until october anyway so i have time to turn it down if i want - but it would only be one day a week after school and at 18 dollars an hour... not sure i'll be wanting to turn that down! plus, i haven't work with elementary kids in a couple months- i miss those boogers
i wonder if crying would make me feel better. you can never tell if it will make you feel better or worse until after you start and i think i might be too tired to try. but i'm not too tired to fall asleep watching pirates of penzance. what's that? you've never heard of the greatest musical comedy of all time? well, you should go rent it. if you can find it. i found it at the library... the lord was watching out for me that day haha :)
glorious saturday, oh i'm psyched. why? i have nothing planned, minus lunch. i can do lunch.
what will end up happening on saturday:
renew drivers license
change car oil
read article for class
take notes for spanish stylistics
email advisor
write out essay
deal with unknown crisis that will come up friday night
spend a couple hours rating student samples
plan out english lesson
read
laundry
walgreens
climb!
finish ceramics assignment...wait it's closed saturday. sunday?
yikes that's it. i'm getting stressed just thinking about it and blogging is supposed to be a destressing activity. .crap. let's see.. ponies... yeah.....i like ponies.
Monday, September 1, 2008
"your life feels like the morning after, all year long. This is not your year" - The Weepies
constellations spell out destinies
i turn my head because i know
ignorance is bliss
i refuse to accept the cards i've been given
i'd rather overturn the table than cash in my chips.
and fate chases me down
i'm running, eyes closed and screaming
toward a place where this broken body builds skyscrapers
made of orange casanovas and forget-me-nots.
and fate chases me down
i am not
alone
is all i am.
constellations spell out destinies
i turn my head because i know
ignorance is bliss
i refuse to accept the cards i've been given
i'd rather overturn the table than cash in my chips.
and fate chases me down
i'm running, eyes closed and screaming
toward a place where this broken body builds skyscrapers
made of orange casanovas and forget-me-nots.
and fate chases me down
i am not
alone
is all i am.
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