christmas

I'm spending this Christmas in Cheyenne - the first christmas I can remember being away from home, from family.  This is also the first Christmas I wasn't prepared with a list of several things I really wanted but didn't need, and also the first Christmas I have spent grading papers instead of getting ready for a new semester of classes.  Change can be difficult, especially when it comes so quickly and in so many forms.  I always thought I loved change but now I am not so sure.  I will say that it has been fun being here, cooped up in Guero's parents' house with blankets and books and nothing else on the agenda besides the occasional papers to grade. 

I had a ridiculous trip to the hospital a week ago for my infusion.  No saline, they weren't sure about the measurement of the drug, i began to run a fever at the end, and my blood pressure kept dropping until I couldn't see straight, and my arm broke out from the i.v.  All in all, it was a disaster. After all of that, my blood lab comes back and it turns out my body is running very low on pretty much everything.  No wonder I've been so exhausted and just sore the past couple weeks.  Now, the question is how to fix it, and even more then that, why is it happening in the first place?  Is it because the medicine is not working as well and my body is going back to its original state of attacking itself? or is it because I haven't been eating as healthily?  Not sure that's the case, or at least I don't think so.  It might be stress, or any number of things really.  The problem is, there is no real way to find out, only to hope that I can get the numbers back up and keep them that way.  It is really taking a toll on my energy level, as well as a number of other things.  This is the time in my life when I am supposed to be my healthiest, full of life and energy... but I feel so weak and tired all the freaking time!  

I am beginning to wonder how long I will be working at South - not that I hate it, or that I really want to leave, but I want to make sure I am considering my options, making the most out of what I have.  It looks like I will be in Omaha another 2 years-ish while Guero finishes school, but after that there is no real plan.  I can't decide if that is scary or exhilarating, maybe both.  I have always wanted to go back to school for my masters, but I cannot seem to fit the idea of teaching full time with college in my brain or my tired body.  I guess it wouldn't hurt to at least start and get a couple classes under my belt, even though it would be a year at least until I had enough credits for a pay-raise... 

Good thing I'm not teaching for the money!

I had an epiphany about my teaching at one of our teacher get-togethers, and it's something that I know but I somehow forgot along the way.  I won't bore you with the details, - it has to do with input versus output in language and the repetition it takes to retain information and the best way to go about doing it - making patterns, categorizing, putting in context, ... boring stuff, but I'm excited to get back into it this next semester and get better at teaching - there is something very exciting about knowing that I can only get better at my job from here on out, but also slightly overwhelming.

I have begun to form some incredible friendships in Omaha, which is something I did not expect or really even seek out - I am very grateful and surprised at the incredible people that I have met and who have invested into my life. I am excited to see where they go and how they develop, I know I will need them to get through this year!  Some are teachers at South, others are friends of friends, others are from CORE church, but they all are food to my soul in one way or another.  It is good to have new friends, to remember the importance of friends and to know that being a missionary kid didn't totally ruin my chances of forming relationships with others. 

I am excited and anxious when I think about this coming year, - it makes my bones hurt thinking about teaching my kids for 5 more months, hopefully I will get my health under control by then.  I know that it will be a challenging year, but I think it will be a great year as well :)  

i wish i posted more often.

i have 2 weeks left in this semester - i can't decide if it has flown by or dragged on - either way, it's been an incredible experience.  Not incredible in the way that I'm used to - traveling, adventures, meeting new people, being on my own, but incredible in a deeper, more grownup way.  I feel like I am planting my feet down and I like that, when I'm not freaked out by it. 

My kids have come a long way this semester alone and I get excited about watching my 42 freshmen become young adults in the next couple years.  I am excited about becoming more grounded as a teacher and as a member of CORE church.  It feels strange to me - to feel at home in a place and not want to leave, but I have been praying that if God wants me to stay in Omaha, that he would give me contentment here.  I have never liked living in one place longer than a year, but I actually think I might be able to call Omaha home for a couple more.  Part of it may be just growing up and settling down, as boring as that sounds. Who knows what this next year will bring though.  

As much as I feel that I am beginning to get the hang of teaching, I am still constantly surprised and amazed at the things that happen to me every day.  The questions that my students ask me, the stories I hear, the things they say - at any point in the day I could usually laugh, cry, or scream.  Sometimes I really feel like doing all three.  These kids are in a completely different place that I have ever been in, dealing with things I have never had to face.  The odds are stacked against them and they know it.  Yet, the passion and life that I see in them is incredible.  Their humor and loyalty to one another is fascinating to me.  They always ask me why on earth I chose to work with high schoolers - aren't they annoying? don't they bug me? wouldn't I rather hang out with people my own age?  No, I feel sorry for adults who don't get the chance to chill out with my kids - I am constantly reinventing myself, rethinking my assumptions, and challenging my own ideas because of them and I love it.  There are days when I want to quit, there are days when they don't care and it makes me want to not care.  There are days when my students are filled with so much pain and anger that I feel unequipped to help them untangle the mess - like I'm trying to teach them how to swim in a desert.  What good is it to know Spanish when you're not sure where you're sleeping that night?  But, I'm there, and I listen, and I love them.  I go to work every day hoping I will get the chance to make a difference in their lives, repaying them for the difference they have already made in mine.  

*this does not apply to 2 of my kids, who make it their goal to ruin my life every day.*

all that to say, i think i might love my job, but now I know why teachers get summers off.  it's for sanity!

not sure where to start...

Things on my mind

1. getting my kids to speak spanish for the love of all things holy.

2. mom and dad coming back soon! 

3. how much i love teddy, nora, drew, and elise

4. how freaking tired i am as of late. stupid crohn's. stupid remicaid. 

5. how much i love flight of the concords

6. getting back into playing the piano when i have the energy

7.  why my house smells so weird

8. staying on top of my work without staying at work for more than 10 hours a day

9. eggplant

10. quitting biting my nails

that is all for now. 

er visit number fortyseven

woke up with severe pain at 2 am this morning.  went to the bathroom, felt sick.  the pain was getting worse by the minute.  i was doubled over in pain.  i knew i needed to call the rents but my phone was stolen at work yesterday along with my ipod.  kaitlin was sleeping so i decided to use hers.  only problem is, it was in my room all the way down the hallway.  knowing that it would take me forever to crawl down the hallway to my room, i decided to make a run for it.  yes, i do think that pain was affecting my train of thought at this point.  i take two leaping steps down the hall, come to on the floor having make it maybe 4 feet.  haha.  i then crawl to my room and wake a very asleep kaitlin by saying the word "phone" about 34 times, not being able to think of another word, besides the occasional "telephone."  Within 10 minutes I had called mom, taken a hydrocodone, and still nothing.  I tried to wait another 20 minutes to give the hydrocodone to kick in but my body was not having it and i was starting to fade.  kaitlin took me to the hospital.  after waiting 2 hours, i finally receive an i.v. oh, wait, no, an i.v. was attempted.  after blowing the vein, another i.v. was attempted.  3rd try was a charm and by this point my arm pain was distracting me from the nuclear explosion in my gut.  after several tests (one of which i think involved a chain saw and a letter opener) I took a cat scan (this is now 8am)  all the tests came back "normal" for someone who has crohn's disease.  i left the er 2 doses of morphine later at 9am ish. in all of my e.r. visits, this has been the worst.  

i'm feeling ok now physically, but my spirit is totally crushed.  this is the first time i've been sick this school year but i have no idea what caused it or how to prevent it from happening again.  it was nice having a day off school but i know it will make tomorrow difficult.  

i'm very tired.  

it's been 6 weeks and i'm very tired.  i have 7 and a half months to go. and i'm very, very tired.

this year has been and will be full of failures, do-overs, and not quites.  For the next 7 and a half months, I will be short of good, not because of a lack of effort, or ability, but because of a lack of experience.  there are some things about teaching that you must try out - actually, pretty much everything about teaching is this way.  I love that i can get my hands dirty this year but knowing that i will not be able to wipe them clean and try again for a long time is difficult.  

last week was the first time i considered quitting - and it was over a student that walked out mid-class.  the issue wasn't her walking out, it was the response of the students.  I tried to make it a learning experience - telling the kids why it was important to stay in class, stay in school, make an effort, better themselves, when a boy looked at me, laughed and said "miss, you think we actually care whatchu say? the only reason we're in here is because we think it's funny that you take everything so seriously - like you think we'll actually give a fuck about whatchu say as soon as the bell rings." 

 granted, this boy says things frequently to rile me up (he enjoys calling me ugly, short, mean, whatever)  and that was a paraphrase or as close as i can remember it, but something about what he said - knowing that there is a chance that i'm not making a damn bit of difference for these kids - broke me.  

sunday nights are becoming stressful - not as stressful as student teaching surprisingly, but i'm having trouble keeping my idealism and optimism blowing at full steam, which i think is really the only thing that is going to get me through this year - choosing to decide that what i do does matter, otherwise it's all worthless.

i hate that i'm counting down this year already, but it is nice to know that teachers' first years are supposed to be hellish. It doesn't make the year any less miserable or painful, but it does make me feel better on sunday nights like this.

I don't know if this is true of all professions but I am so struck by the clash between reality and theory in the teaching world.  Ideally, all of our kids are offered this great education with the help of hundreds of adults all doing a different job to meet the needs of each student on an individual basis.  In reality, there are hundreds of adults but they are often on different pages or all trying to complete a different goal for each student.  For example, as a teacher I'm working to give 25ish kids the best education I can, as often and as soon as I can, so I use administrators and counselors for individual support.  Their job is to create a better situation for individual students- no matter how long or how hard they have to work.  What they don't realize is that the longer they take helping each individual student succeed (even the ones who are determined to "unsucceed" as one of my kids said) the more my 25 students as a whole are struggling because of one or two others.  It all boils down to a lot of different people all trying to achieve somewhat similar goals but all needing to answer to someone higher up with even slightly different goals.  As much as everyone says its about the students, it's easy to forget when you're in the middle of it.  Not to mention that each teacher has a department head who has a curriculum advisor and each student has an advisor who has a dean.

done venting

I'm loving my job and finally getting the hang of it (kind of).  That entails:

-getting copies done more than one day in advance

-not forgetting my water bottle and/or plans and/or seating chart in one of my four rooms

-remembering to check my mailbox and email more than once a day

-remembering 80% of my 170some student names

-learning to laugh when i feel like crying

-mastering "the look"

-memorizing all of the ridiculous acronyms teachers have for EVERYTHING

-being able to leave work at 5 feeling like i'm somewhat aware of what will be happening the following day

-building some really awesome relationships with some incredible kids, most of whom have no idea how incredible they are!

and on that happy ending... i'm out!

first week down! 39 to go.

I have officially survived my first week of teaching.  It has been a crazy week and I'm sure the rest will be even crazier but I know that I loved it!  I have challenging kids, difficult expectations, three different bosses, and 2 plan periods.  I have been working 10 hour days all this week and will probably continue to work 10 hour days until I get my feet under me - a.k.a. next year.  I was so excited for this weekend to come...then spent all of saturday on the floor with severe stomach pain.  Took some meds and ibuprofen and then spent all of today trying to recover.  Apparently my stomach was not very happy about the amount of medicine i took.  I finally ate a plum which I then threw up 2 hours later.  Hopefully next weekend will prove to be a little more relaxing.  

work is hard. i'm very tired.  more later.

I just finished my first real week of teacher-life.  I have had more emails and meetings this week than I had had in a whole semester at college.  I couldn't even keep up with the emails- as soon as I would read one and respond or do whatever it said, I'd get another. and that's not even counting all-staff emails. at least one every 5-10 minutes there.  I'm sure I'll get used to it but it's overwhelming right now.  I also didn't realize how many teams, committees, and departments are involved.  In my classes alone I'm automatically in two departments and a team, they haven't assigned committees yet.  I do love our team though - they seem like an awesome group.  

I found out I have to try and teach excel to freshmen in spanish so I'm going to have to actually open up the program and mess with it quite a bit before I attempt that. - at least I'll be learning too.  

I still don't have all the keys to my classrooms and my syllabi are still in rough draft form.  I'm sure it will all come together somehow.  As much as I wish we still had a week to prepare, I think it will be better to just dive in where we are and learn along the way.  I don't care what teacher help book you're reading, you can never be fully prepared for the first day.  I only have my freshmen for 6 minutes in each class monday - seems like a waste but it should help them find their way around the school and at least meet their teachers, and hopefully give me a bunch of time to finish all my last minute items!  

I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around the theoretical side of teaching that you learn in college colliding with the actuality of the day-in-day-out reality of teaching.  I've met some incredible teachers though that give me hope that it can be done.

today is the day that we "graduate" from our teacher boot camp.  all i can say is, i'm so glad that today is friday.  i'm already beginning to question my body's ability to keep up.  i refuse to play the crohn's card and say that i can't, but i am constantly wondering if this is good for my body to even try - if this makes normal people exhausted, what makes me think i'll be able to survive??  it's not even just about getting enough sleep, it's this weird, internal exhaustion that sinks into my bones.  i don't know if it's gotten worse since the remicaid, or if my life has just gotten busy, but i have serious questions as to whether or not by body will be able to cope with the demands.  but, i refuse to quit without giving it a year (or however it takes until i'm admitted into the hospital two or three times).  

lincoln tomorrow - relaxing day with nora and the kids and hopefully some other lincoln friends.  sunday is the day guero and i start helping out at church with the wee ones. i'm excited but wondering if this is one more thing i'm adding to my plate.  in any case i feel like i need to serve more and it won't be every week - i think 2 on 6 off is how they're running it.  

next week is curriculum development and decorating the room(s).  should give me some time to really go over my lessons and solidify the first week and hopefully find out who i'm co-teaching with (?) i heard yesterday that i might not be co-teaching after all. if that's the case, i'd like to know what the class is about...sometime soon.

also, phone broke last night. hopefully i can get one today. i don't even care what it looks like as long as it works. 

jen

2 days in a row?! yup.

day one of my training:

1. heard a really surprisingly good speaker.

2. got my keys, but have no idea what they go to.

3. got my schedule. i start out with spanish one. that's gonna be tough.  i don't even speak english well at 7:45 in the morning let alone spanish. 

4. managed to already lose the folder with the training agenda. oh well.

5. got my id badge - i am officially a ms. now.

6. grade book and lesson planning book are in my possession.

7. made a friend who i think will end up saving my sanity on many occasions this year.

8. i still can't believe i lost that freaking folder.  hope there wasn't anything super important...

9. filled out an i-9 and a w-4. they should try to make those more fun - maybe colored paper or a prettier font.

10. i feel like this year is going to be awesomely challenging and i'm ok with that. or at least today i'm ok with that. 

august 3rd

this is my last official day of freedom before it begins.  tomorrow is my first training day - with all the other new ops teachers.  probably entailing motivational speakers, ways to not get fired, and hopefully some useful information.

i am sure this blog will quickly transform into a list of what not to do as a first year teacher. most days i am excited about the challenge; other days i am reminded that the 2009-2010 school year will represent a whole lot of trial and error (more error than anything) and that is frustrating.  i am eager about all that i am about to learn but not quite as eager at the way it must be learned - me, flat on my face, thinking "well, let's not do it that way next year, eh?" 

in my last effort attempt to remind myself how to teach in case i forgot over the summer i have begun reading "up the down staircase" and "see me after class" both written by teachers for teachers, with more of a "we feel your pain" attitude rather than a fool-proof guide, which is good.

the butterflies moved into my tummy sometime earlier today and i think they actually plan on staying there until my kids come on the 17th. i hope thaddius e. crohn's is ok with that.  here's the worst part: not only do i have a first day with all my freshman on the 17th, but then i get another first day on the 18th with all the high schoolers.  doesn't that just sound mean?! two first days... maybe i'll be grateful for the transition.  I think that four of my six classes will be mostly if not all freshman anyway.  actually, i have no idea. 

on a completely other note, i am officially moved in at my new place of residence. i am definitely loving it and will love it even more when i find a place for all my stuff.  the space is perfect for me. pictures will be coming soon i hope!  kaitlin is also here starting today and now i am so unbelievably grateful at the timing of her moving in the day before i begin this new journey.  i know i will strongly rely on her support and encouragement as well as her company over wine and gilmore girls.  

summer is going well. i have 3 weeks left in sundawgs, and no free weekends left!

wine and cheese partay this friday - i'm so psyched to chill with mikey!

shopping extravaganza soon - sounds more exciting than it is - i need to buy more grownup clothes. apparently one suit jacket is not enough.  

i move in three weeks - sweet downtown apartment above an antique store!  i'm stoked to move, not stoked about the actual moving - heavy lifting and cleaning part.  

chillin with kaitlin tonight, and guero comes tomorrow!  

i'm actually excited that i have nothing else of huge importance to write about. other than i'm reading a book called the emotionally healthy church, and it is really changing me, in an 'ouch' kind of way. more later :)

june things aka completely miscellaneous thoughts

i took the job at south.  they offered me an amazing position for a first year teacher, well an amazing position for any teacher really. and i know the staff, the school, the students, and it will be challenging but a great place to dive in and teach for my first year solo!  my cooperating teacher (who is awesome by the way) is stoked and super supportive which is the only thing keeping me from complete panic right now.  i'll have two spanish one, two spanish three, and two dual language success strategies classes (sounds fancy huh)

i'm stoked, mainly because the dual language class will keep my spanish from sucking like so many teachers who only get to teach spanish one.  

spain is still on my heart and it will be for a while.  but south is just the better option right now, as weird as it is going to be being a high school teacher at 21 haha.  that's just how i roll.  

summer job is actually fun.  i feel kind of overqualified but it's a fun job with not a ton of responsibility.  i have about 15 kids in the a.m. and 25 in the p.m. and i'm using my spanish skills a lot!  it's good practice and it's helping me feel comfortable being an authority figure even though i look like one of the kids.  

i'm worried about overdoing it - since my body decided to be stubborn and fatigued all the time, but it will be a good year of growth and really pushing into God for what I need.  

cool thing: the day after i decided to go to south instead of spain, spain sent an email (it's funny i say spain, like it's the whole country, which it's not, but it's easier that way) anyway spain sent me an email saying they wouldn't pay for my iv's that i need every 2 months to not die.  so yeah, that's way cool and great timing!  i'm so grateful that i didn't feel forced into choosing south.  that's huge for me.

i've been really wanting to play and write more music lately but really wish i had people in omaha who would let me jam with them.  not like i'll have time, but it'd be fun. i start lesson planning as soon as i get my books and i'll be hanging out with my c.t. a ton for help and ideas!  

crohn's has made me simplify so many things in my life - not in a bad way, just in a simple way.  i can't do something every night, i can't drink that much, i can't book myself all day, i can't go without 8 hours of sleep without paying for it the next day - and i'm glad because i'd be miserable any other way.  i sometimes feel bad for having a life that is so basic - like i'm missing out, but i really don't think i am. i mean, think of how simple things were "back in the day" and it seemed like people before us didn't have nearly as many problems or stresses that we do.  i'm fine with that.  i have huge plans for my year in omaha but a friend of mine reminded me that teaching will be a big enough challenge and it wouldn't hurt to focus on that for a year.  i'd still like to see how i can get involved with kids outside of south - maybe at core, but i'm going to patiently wait a couple months to make sure teaching doesn't kill me.  

other side story:  (apparently i should blog more often or i'm just bored)  i wore shorts for the first time today (weird i know) and i was buying groceries and got chased around the store by this guy asking for my number, where i live, if i have a boyfriend. CREEPY! and then i remembered why i don't wear shorts if i don't have to.  thanks for the long legs, dad!  i just hate it, and i was tired, and crabby, and didn't want to deal with it.  also, i ended up buying a lot of things i don't need just to hurry up and get out of the store. i don't even like peas that much...

many loves to you all

need a bandaid? i'm your girl.

i had 8 hours of cpr/first aid training.  i'm guessing many of you are familiar with what an amazing experience that can be.  here are the three most important things i learned:

1. a symptom of heat exhaustion is a normal body temperature. 

2. a symptom of anaphylaxia is a sense of doom. 

3. a symptom of a stroke is slurred speech or speaking in a way that others can't understand you - like pig latin or something?

those made me laugh

tons of reading has been happening lately, as vacation should be. i'm in the middle of five books which is an excellent place to be. these weeks have not been without struggle, but they've been good.  it seems like as soon as learning takes place and new things are revealed to me like it has been with all this reading, my life becomes difficult and i hit issues and bumps that i was not expecting.  relationships suddenly seem rough and i feel like i'm hitting my head against a wall. after listening to a series of sermons that have really moved and challenged me, i feel like a cloud is on me and what used to be easy is now hard; what used to be simple is suddenly complicated.  even spain is somehow hanging in the balance with new possibilities.  i'm feeling the weight of graduating college and my instinct is to run.   i keep picturing myself as being handed a real job and then failing miserably and having everyone around me realize that i'm still just a kid, i'm incapable.  i know these are just fears but they seem real and the unknown is always scary. funny how spain seems like the safest thing right now - mostly because it's still theoretical. i don't know the city, or the school. i haven't booked my flight.  maybe i won't book a flight.  but if i don't go now, when will i go?  part of me feels like i'm being childish and naive putting off a "real job" to go hang out in spain, like i'm running away from responsibilities and routine. part of me just wants to go to india now and work on an ESL curriculum for the centers to use in the future but my health would not allow me enough time to finish.  I'd also like to use my experience in Spain to help me develop the curriculum better.  but that's where my heart really really is.  i want to be somewhere were i'm needed and where i'm stretched to grow and am constantly relying on something bigger than myself. but growth brings so much pain sometimes.

basically, i dunno.

but i can perform first aid.  

so that's something. 

vacation

day 1 of no school, work, anything.
loving it.
got another job offer to teach here in omaha - esl and spanish. every time i get one step closer to spain, something happens to make me question my decision. this is the second freaking awesome job offer i've turned down, and for what? i don't even know if i'll be able to get treatment in spain. i'm not ready to resign yet though, if nothing else, this will be an adventure.
spend a couple days in norfolk and lincoln for graudation. it was good to see everyone but i'm definnitely loving being alone at home for now. i still have my booklist but have spent most of today cleaning and unpacking. thank you cards are also on my to-do list.
not sure what the next two weeks will hold - but i'd be perfectly happy fi they didn't hold anything at all :)
job starts june 1st - i'm sure it'll be here sooner than i had hoped.
i miss my kids and colleagues more than i had imagined, but i know i'll see them soon enough.
for now, life is good.

done!  graduation went well.  I had a couple awards dinners to go to, and the ceremony wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.  The party at teddy and nora's was a blast and it was great to see some friends I hadn't seen for a while.

Spain said yes!  Andalucia (southern spain) is my area, but not sure of the city yet - they'll tell me in June.  I'm stoked though! Should be quite a bit different from the Spain I studied abroad in when I stayed in Bilbao in the north.  I do hope to make a trip there to say hey to my host family, though.  Allison got in to - she's in Castilla de la Mancha so we'll be close :) or at least closer than anyone back here in the states.

I've got three weeks of vacation that I am sure are going to go by WAY faster than I'd like them to, and then summer job for two months.  Still working on my reading list.

it's been great spending time with guero and family - both of ours were here for my graduation, minus his brother.  

Still haven't really felt any change - I still identify myself as a college student, saying I'm officially a teacher just sounds too weird and i feel like i'm cheating saying that since i don't teach right now. I don't think my life will change that much, as strange as that seems - being a teacher means I will always have the familiarity of "school" in whatever shape it comes in.  Spain will be a challenge, but teaching is home for me.  We'll see what comes after that adventure.  For now, I'm just excited for the next step, and for my vacation :)

thanks to everyone who came out or wished me a happy graduation - it was great seeing and hearing from you all!

sorry it's been a while, you see, i'm trying to graduate college.
my last day teaching was yesterday, kind of. i'm having trouble giving my kids up (surprise!)
my last day at south is next wednesday, and oh how the tears will fall.
this is all so funny now when i think to how close i was to dropping out only a month or so ago. i don't know what clicked, if i finally caught on to teaching and found my rhythm, or if i just got rid of seventh period and picked up another class and that is what helped, but whatever it is, it has not only allowed me to finish the semester but allowed me to finish well.
thesis = done. i'll let you read it if you're looking for a super boring read with a lot of fun graphs on it. - it's on writing in the foreign language classroom -- student products versus assessment expectations. basically, the most exciting thing you'll ever see. ever.
no news from spain yet, but i'm not too worried about it. it's hard to be worried about anything when you're about to graduate :)
party at teddy and nora's soon - it'll be a blast, even if no one shows up. family is family is family, and i love that.
i've begun my booklist for this summer - 10 is my goal again. the hardest part isn't even reading the 10 books, it's picking only 10 to try and read. jm - feel free to hit me up with a list you think i should read - i've already got some picked out. but am not sure what to read as far as non-fiction goes.
-jonathan strange and mr norrell
-leaves of grass (again! i just like it)
-practicing the presence of God.

i've got a ton of others on the list - i'm trying to narrow it down.

mikey is moving home next week - praise be!! i'm so freaking excited to be in the same state as that boy. he's one of my absolute favorite people, as well as one of the silliest.

i've got 3 minutes to get ready before i need to go. also, i think you should know i've been "brushing my teeth" while i've been typing this. my mouth is starting to hurt. haha

also, please come to my graduation party!
6105 Madison Ave
Lincoln, NE
Saturday, May 10th 2pm - 6ishpm

loves,
jen

just when I thought I was at the end of my rope after an exhausting 10 hour day back at work with so much to do and so little time to do it all in...

I get this:

Ms. Huscher,

Hello Ms. Huscher, I liked you letter.  I did understand all of it.  You know me, but I will tell you more about me. 

I live here with two older brothers. My parents, my two sisters, and my other two brothers live in Guanajuato, Mexico.  I want to finish the high school, if I can’t do that, I want to learn speak English to work for two or three years, and then, I will go back to Mexico to see my family.  I don’t know what I will do later.

I want to improve my life.  I’m looking for a better life for me and my family.

Ms. I don’t know if all of this latter is correct, but I’m try to write much better.  I realize you are my best teacher, my friend, thank you for help me.  Now I’m really feel great.  I’m learning too much in your class, I like it because you look so happy every day when you come to class.  One more time, I need tell you “Grasias” because I think teach ESL is not easy, but I’m learning.

That's why I teach.   

chicago was a blast- i really couldn't think of a better way to spend my spring break.  it was great to see mike and hang out at the manor.  there were even some sporting events involved -- a blackhawks hockey game (executive seats at that) and a sox game.  both of which we lost, but both of which were a blast.  i'm not quite ready to begin school again but knowing that i have three weeks left is keeping me going.  i'm on the verge of graduating and being done with college, student teaching, - a huge chapter of my life is ending and i feel like i still have so many pages yet to fill...

the next three weeks are going to be insane. nothing i can't handle, but if you see me - just smile and wave because i might be too fried to form cohesive sentences.  

3 weeks... 3 weeks.

still no word on the summer teaching position - we'll see.  the more i think about it the more i want to - it would be loads better than the current job i have lines up. a job's a job though, right?

no other plans for the summer yet. that's how summers should be. 

there's a couple foreign language teaching jobs i'm turning down or at least not applying for... which might be really stupid but i can't make a teaching job a plan b - if they give you the job, you take it, you can't say "maybe" or "i'll let you know in a couple weeks." I'll panic if I don't get into spain.  but only then.

love you all

i finished my application for spain.

finally.

i find out may 1st whether or not i got placed and where i got placed.

for those of you who have no idea - i want to teach english is spain in a year before settling down in the states (or maybe instead of ever settling down in the states)

i just don't see myself as one of those weird foreign language teachers who doesn't really even speak spanish but has a ton of sweet posters in spanish or of spain. that's so not me... plus i don't really like america. haven't ever really been a huge america fan.  i want to live abroad - not sure about long term but for now it's so where my heart is.  (i guess i have my parents to thank for that)

this has been a rough week in a number of ways, but also one of the best weeks of my life. strange how that happens... extreme sorrow is often accompanied by extreme joy.  i am so grateful for the people that i have around me to support me and encourage me when i am lost and forget who i am.  

this next week is spring break - FINALLY! i didn't know that teachers looked forward to spring break even more than students do.  guero and i are headed to chicago to visit mike - this will be one of my favorite times so far this year.  pretty much any time i get to see family is great, but especially my super crazy brothers. jm lives too far away for me to drive so i'm going to wait until i become a super rich high school teacher to fly to see him in cali.  

i have three weeks of student teaching left which is in one way the most awesome thing ever but also so very very scary!!!  I have so much i need to do before graduating but at the same time i am finally getting the hang of teaching and just getting to know my kids and wanting to really pour myself into some really awesome stuff to teach them these next weeks.  things like putting together a portfolio and writing a teacher autobiography and finishing my honors thesis just don't seem that exciting right now.

this is long

and now i'm done. 

most boringest blog update ever

it's been a while...

5 weeks of student teaching left, then it's on to graduation, summer job, and hopefully spain.

i have a doctor's appointment this friday so i'm hoping he'll give me the thumbs up on crohn's and will let me go, but i'm also hoping that it rains pennies (wouldn't that just be cool?) so we'll see...

I took on a new class this week to teach - honors spanish.  It's been good and challenging - keeping me up to date on my academic spanish.  the students are great and have been really helpful.  

i'm falling more and more in love with teaching ESL - my kids are great.  i actually feel like i know them - their families, their likes, their problems... they're just such an impressionable group of kids.

I'm finishing up my Spain application to mail in this week - hooray! it'll feel good to move on to the next step of applying for my visa once i get approval. i guess i should say if i get approval.

If not, we'll deal with that when it happens.

Guero and I are planning on visiting Mike in two weeks.  that = frickin' awesome! I can't wait!  Anytime with Mike is a good time - add in Chicago, and you can't go wrong.  

so that's a pretty lame overview. i'll add in more exciting details later

love you all

jen

thanks for the prayers and notes - they meant a lot to me

ok so I still want to teach and I'm passionate about it.  I just want to teach people who want to learn.   Is that selfish?

i thought i wanted to teach but student teaching has made me question that and everything else as well. nothing feels right anymore. maybe it's just this school or this teacher. all i know is that monday mornings feel like a dagger in my heart every time. and i have 7 more monday mornings to go.  All i can do now is hope that my heart is still somewhat intact in may.  sorry for the sadness.  this is where i am now. 

they think i'm depressed. clinically. and who am to argue?  my situation seems to agree, and apparently this is common with crohn's.  this is the darkest my life has ever been.  and there doesn't seem to be a way out of this hole but down.  every day seems a little harder than the last.  the only time i feel slightly ok is when there are tears pouring out of my eyes, which seems to be happening more and more often now. slept eleven hours yesterday and i woke up exhausted.  the only thing that keeps running through my mind is "this is not ok. i can't keep doing this."

and yet here i am, getting ready for work. again. 

i don't know who i can tell and i'm not sure what makes me think it's ok to post this aside from the fact that i really don't know if anyone reads this on a regular basis.  part of me wants to scream it to the world so people will know why i stayed home, why i don't call back, and why i seem so angry and quiet.  i don't want to be like this.  i hate the feeling i get every morning - that feeling of disappointment that i have to do this thing again, i have to wake up and go to work, come home exhausted, and take care of paperwork and applications.  somehow i secretly am hoping that every night will be the last time i have to do this and the act of hearing my alarm each morning brings a sigh of frustration at the thought of still being alive. 

this is not ok. 

i can't keep doing this. 

This is bullshit.

i have a job interview in an hour.  I don't remember dreading anything this much in my life.  not even the dentist's office.  My stomach is churning.  I don't want this job. or this town. or this life.  I feel like a fake in a three-piece suit and am fighting the urge to just take off and drive as far away as I can.  I never asked for this shit.  I can't be one of the masses or at least not 4 months after just turning 21.  I don't even feel like an American.  How am I ever supposed to enjoy living the american dream?  My body is shaking. I have never had this strong of an urge not to do something before in my life.  If one more person tells me to just stick it out and get through it, I'll hurl.  I feel so sick after every "how-to-prepare-for-your-interview" meeting or "how to get a job" seminar.  I want to teach, but not stuck in a high school that doesn't want me with kids that don't need me.  That's not teaching. It's babysitting, and I didn't go through four years of study to babysit.  

If you know me now, please pay your respects.  I'm not going to be me for much longer. The old jennica is being replaced by new-and-improved, agrees-with-everything-you-say, happy-to-be-here, shut up, sit down, Ms. Huscher. If everything goes according to their plan, you won't even be able to pick me out of a crowd soon.  

i can't say i didn't try but I can only yell so loud against this roar.  And i'm done yelling now. 

i think student teaching is making me a mean person.  

i've never yelled at this many people in my life.  

and i hate everything.

so do i quit and try to find myself again or stay in it just for the degree and become a bitch just like everybody else...

i seriously considered checking myself into a mental institution today. seriously.

weird things today everyone:

-i didn't know i could wear jeans to school for a work day. poo.

-my nurse chewed me out for not taking my medicine regularly. she even called me honey.

-i was at a meeting with a whole bunch of ESL teachers. in a museum. with a buffalo.

-i saw someone cry today that i didn't know had tear ducts.

-i got something in my eye. right after having snow thrown. at my foot. in my house.

-wearing glasses, i decided to cut an onion.  it hurt so bad i was covering my eyes and chopping blindly at what i thought was an onion.

-i thought about investing stock in tupperware today.

-after writing a most impressive and huge to do list. i decided to watch weeds online.

-someone tried to tell me that i didn't sound american. i gave them an american high five.

-i stole honey packets from a restaurant yesterday.  today i used them in tea at the museum meeting. they were in my coat pocket.

-i forgot how to drive to work this morning.

-i only ate one smarties. i usually eat three.

-i mysteriously found a bunch of pecan cinnamon rolls in my kitchen. i did not make these.

-i reached into my bag to find my glasses (see above) and i slit my middle finger across my razor. now i'm missing 8 layers of skin and cant' get over how super wrinkly my lips feel when i rub by finger across them.

-i took my passport to work today on accident. 

-i tripped on carpet.

-i got second place in an essay contest i half-heartedly entered 6 months ago. now i get fifty dollars for it.

-kaitlin purchased me a ben folds concert for more money than i had. now i have the money. 

-i didn't wear any jewelry today. not any. i know that doesn't sound weird, but for me, it is.

-and it's only 7:38.  i'm almost afraid to get up and continue on with today.

much love

jen

as always, no real time to post much.  and this time is for real - my car is even running :)

today is the second to last trip i have to make to lincoln, and the last time i have to drive - which is good because i am getting sick of this daily commute back and forth!  went to a meeting about the GRE yesterday and even though they were trying to scare the pants off of us, i somehow maintained a positive attitude, which is a big deal for me, my nickname being negative nancy...

still not sure about the GRE or grad school but i'm excited to look around and see if anything catches my interest.  there are so many things i want to do! i just don't know what order they will be done in :)

finally, after 4 weeks of student teaching, im getting the hang of it. barely.

i am still learning so many new things every day.  thank goodness i journal so i can keep track of all of it!  

more later.

also, I TALKED TO THE ONE AND ONLY BETHANY DAVIS LAST NIGHT!!! it totally made my....week, at least :)  

and - supper with beloved lindsay tonight :) happy things are happening.

AND, i got to see nora and drew and elise last night! hoorah! and they fed me and entertained me :)  gotta love family, especially when they're as awesome as teddy and nora and the kids.  

also got to see the crew.  and it was, as always, wonderful.  they give good hugs. seriously.  

and now i'm late :) 

haven't written in a while. Too tired to write much now.

1. student teaching is going well. it's hard, but i'm learning so much every day.  It would be ideal to just have 8 semesters of student teaching instead of college, but i'm not sure i could survive that.

2. remicade still sucks, but i'm lucky enough to have people around me who can handle me when i'm not myself after my infusions

3. i'm reading a trilogy by C.S. Lewis - I'm on the second - Perelandria. uh-mazing.

quote from said book:

"One goes into the forest to pick food and already the thought of one fruit rather than another has grown up in one's mind.  Then, it may be, one finds a different fruit and not the fruit one thought of.  One joy was expected and another is given.  But this I had never noticed before - that the very moment of the finding there is in the mind a kind of thrusting back, or setting aside.  The picture of the fruit you have not found is still, for a moment, before you.  And if you wished - if it were possible to wish - you could keep it there.  You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got.  You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other."  

What this says to me: One, we send our souls- i love that.  we're always in control of ourselves - our attitude, our thoughts, and our actions.  Disappointment is a choice.  Joy is in every circumstance - James, my favorite book, echoes this.  We so often get into thinking that we are subject to our surroundings, even to our ow bodies, but we were made to be so much... higher, (not the right word) than all of that.  Our eyes are just in the wrong place.  

"The world is so much larger than I thought.  I thought we went along paths - but it seems there are no paths.  The going itself is the path."  'nuf said.  

reading books like this lets me breathe easier.

so that's also numbers 4-6 due to length.

7. Guero made us some awesome bookshelves  i have three of them and they hold like 20-some books each. they rock, as does guero.  

8. no fulbright. i would be stressed about what happens after graduation in may but i'm too busy loving life and reading a lot and spending time with my omaha peeps.

8. my kids are wonderful aside from 7th period. i only answer to "miss" and i'm known as the "weird, quiet one" to the other teachers which is fine by me.

9. i miss my family

10. i haven't climbed in too long. i'm starting to feel sedentary.  if only i had the energy to do anything but sleep after work... took a ton of blood tests, nothing seems too off, other than my unbelievable fatigue and exhaustion.  i'm trying to wait it out for now but it's frustrating all the same.  

basically, i'm fine, how are you?

it's a bitch to grow up

nothing to do with anything but what's on my mind

i know the sayings like the back of my hand.  Live your dreams. no fear. follow your heart. 

but what if you don't know what that looks like?

i need to decide now if i'm headed for academia or become one of the million average who are trying to change the world, many to no avail.

this fulbright scholarship idea is killing me.  there is a keyhole through which you must pass in order to really get into the world of academics and research papers and formal language, proper attire, knowing the right people, saving face.  and i'm not sure that's what i'm looking for. but if i don't use this to at least try and get a foot up, i'll be just like everyone else who didn't even try. and i don't know if i can handle that. 

it's just not what i want to do - it's what some one else thinks i should do who's higher up than me and who has the power to say things like that. partly for their own gain. and i can't blame them. i just refuse to become one of them. 

and yes, maybe this is one of those things you have to sit through to get where you really want to be, but what if it's just one more thing in a long line of requirements and loopholes?  i can't live my life like that. 

yeah, i want a year abroad, but there are other ways to do it.

yeah, i want grad school. but what's the rush? i mean, i know if i don't start i'll never get it done.

but i'm 21.

and i'm scared shitless.

it's a bad sign when every time i think about it i feel tears rush into my eyes...

fulbright means a year away from the ones i love, and a year away from teaching... it would be research, which sucks.  but it would be classroom research, which is meaningful and important and somebody should be doing it for the benefit of everyone else.

and what do i do until then? i wouldn't leave for a year and a half. meanwhile... work? for a year? doing what? teaching? what school would hire a teacher they know is leaving in a year.

and what a major let down to do all this hard work for four years straight and then not even get a job doing what i love, what i went to school and put all those hours in for.

not to mention the honors thesis...

somedays i feel like i can't do all this. and i don't even know which parts i want to keep doing.

today is one of those days.

on another note: i student taught my first day today with real kids haha

1. saw 2 white kids all day.

2. spoke more spanish than english.

3. had all my students call me Miss. not because they couldn't remember my name, but because that's what they call every female teacher. i like it.

4. helped break up a fight.

5. toured one of the biggest schools in the state.

6. ate lunch. not in the cafeteria (wierd).

7. found out what teachers really talk about. yup.

8. graded many many papers.

9. read two spanish short stories

10. got an id badge: ms. - no first names here... wierd. 

it's a bitch to grow up.

i realize i'm way behind so here's a shot at catching up. 

holidays were great.

guero and  i are both moved in to our new homes for the semester - thanks to much help from the family.

i just started student teaching at south high here in omaha. today was just teacher planning day and I already got lost, but i'll figure it out. there are a couple other student teachers who seem pretty nice who i could probably cry to if i needed to. the majorit y of the classes i'll be teaching are esl classes with 2 higher level spanish and 1 level II spanish.  we'll see how the kids are tomorrow. 

i think i'm sick again - something that involves being really really tired all the time. i'm sleeping insane amounts, and maybe part of that is left over from trying to make up from last semester but i think it's something else...

learned to play settlers of catan - sweet game.  

missing my lincoln friends, but i'm learning to love living on my own. 

did i mention my piano was in my room??  love it

i realize that this is a weak attempt at a month's worth of my life but it's all i can think of right now and i'm getting really sleepy...