how do i explain this to you so that it makes sense. it doesn't even make sense to me. I'm not sure if I'm me. i mean i don't know what parts of me are really me and what parts are all the drugs and everything else. these aren't side effects like fever or fatigue, these are side effects like paranoia and anxiety. I don't even know which thoughts are mine and which aren't. Everything that i'm feeling, physical and emotional, may not even be me, so is it still real? and how do i tell the difference? and how can i even try and think with this headache? what would be different with my life if it had been pure without all these chemicals and pieces taken and added to me? It's not just like a pill. it's an iv infusion of bits and pieces of other living things infiltrating its way into every part of my being every single 8 weeks. I'm made of so many different things i'm not even sure where i end and they start. I know people say your cells die and you are always being reborn. but at least it's with your own cells and not someone else's. Not saying life would be perfect without all of this, or that i wouldn't go on rants like this, but it would at least be my own life; my own rants.
i can't even explain what it's like to know that you're not you - to question every feeling, every thought, because you're not sure where it came from. and what if you know that you are hallucinating or you are being overly anxious. recognizing the feeling doesn't make it go away, it makes it bigger. some nights it just hits me harder than others and i feel like i'm made up more of medicine than i am of my own flesh and blood. i know that the images runnign through my mind are not my own.
i was one step off all day. maybe i would be like this without the medicine, but part of me knows that i know that i know that it would be so different. it's like those women who, after giving birth to their child in the hospital and the nurses have a mix-up and the woman looks at the child and she knows, she just knows it's not hers. you know your thoughts and your feelings. it's the only things you really get the privelege of knowing while you're alive. and i'm losing that.
i would be more stable, and sleep would come easier. i would lose this insane desire to cut off communication from everyone, even myself. the thought of never speaking another word aloud would not seem nearly as appealing. and i would be able to see a picture without blood crawling in around the edges of it. i could always take more drugs to counteract these, but for some reason that seems like an even worse idea at this point. at least the drugs i'm on now don't have the sole point of changing my soul, my heart, my mind.
since i can only be 100 percent of whatever i am, i feel like with each new iv dose i'm losing more and more of what was me and soon i'll be lucky to recognize myself at all.
even now in writing this i know most of this is the medicine making me question everything, making me go on this writing rant, making me feel like the walls are closing in... like i'm losing pieces of me. and i'll be fine in the morning, but shit it sucks. i'd feel better if i knew that it was just me that felt the walls were closing in. there's not room for anything else in me. there never was supposed to be in the first place.
i'd take fatigue and a fever over this any day.
so what, you say this is all in my head. i know. that's the problem. i'd rather it be anywhere else but inside my own head. it's one of the few places i have that's mine and only mine. this medicine runs through my veins. it's penetrated my core. it feeds my mind, breaks my thoughts in half, clears my slate midway through a sentence, turns 10 minutes into an hour and 10 minutes of which i have no recollection, seeps into my heart and changes the color-coded feelings i had before so now when i go to grab contentedness off the shelf paranoia comes out instead. and they are all lined with a coating of melancholy, which might have been there before, i'm not sure.
i know crohn's disease is a bad deal, but at least it was me, in my own body, dealing with my own pain. but this? this is something completely different. Crohn's is an auto-immune disease where your body attacks itself. adding these medicines has only changed the scenery of the battle.
i'll be fine, i just don't know if i'll be me.

once a nomad, always a nomad

venting post
i realized today that this is my last week in lincoln. ever. and by last week i mean last 5 days. i don't know why i hadn't realized this sooner. i was so busy writing papers and finishing projects and finding apartments and whatever else that it wasn't until my soul had a minute to rest in church that i realized how few days i have left here...and i started crying, being the big nancy that i am...
I would love to make the most of it... if it weren't dead week, aka hell week. trying to squeeze in all the last pieces of homework and projects that remain to prepare for finals, while at the same time trying to find time to spend with the friends i love is proving challenging. i'm realizing now the importance of spending time with the God i serve not when it's convenient and i have the time but when i feel like i don't even have time to breath let alone sit down with my bible and try to shut off my brain from planning out the rest of my day in 15 minute increments. i just want to take full advantage of this week and am trying to decide on the best way to do that without completely exhausting myself before the 6 hour drive to wyoming(for which i am beyond psyched) ...weather permitting...
mom came down this weekend and saved my life- helped me find great apartments for guero and i, cleaned jm's house so they can take pictures, and managed to make me laugh so hard i cried twice. she rocks.
i want so badly to be able to think about the future, plan my life, dream about possibilities, but the pressing assignments and errands of the here and now refuse to leave me alone long enough to have a moment to myself. i know this is where the Lord wants me, and I'm thankful, but i won't say it's easy. greg talked this morning about how when Jesus said "take up your cross" he was really saying be prepared for a horrible and gruesome death. the cross was not a symbol of redemption to these people, it was a device of torture. that's huge... i had never really considered the shock-factor of that statement.. why do i so often think that being a christian is the easy way out? it's the free way out, but no one ever said it was easy.
lincoln has been my home for three years and it will be difficult to leave. it makes me question my nomadic instincts... do i really want to be a wanderer the rest of my life? what about my family -present and future? do i want my children to grow up with the same miscontrued concept of home as their mother? do i want them to see their extended family once a year if i'm lucky?? what is the benefit of being grounded and does it outweigh the adventure and growth you find in moving from place to place? where does my stability come from? and what about the friendships i have made here? can i really excpect to maintain those from halfway across the world, moving whenever i feel the winds change? how can i expect the new people i meet to be as amazing and kind as the community of friends i have built here? and what about timing? i can't dedicate three years of my life to any one place to build these deep of friendships and relationships. I couldn't even stay in lincoln more than 2 years straight. i love being a "free spirit" or whatever you want to call it, but it's not without its dowfalls.
i leave for wyoming to visit guero for the weekend-ish, back mid-next week for my finals, then moving to omaha to join him. I'm excited but i get so exhausted when i think of what i need to get done before all of this takes place. it's not like i won't get it done, i just want to be awake enough to remember moving to omaha and christmas... speaking of which, anything that happens after december 20th is up in the air, besides christmas being on the 25th..i hope?
i'm so busy dealing with now i can't even see 12 days in advance... when did my life become like this and why can't i get it to stop until friday? it's one thing to have a surprisingly insane day, but to know that you are headed into an insanely busy week and not be able to do anything about it... that's not fun to say the least.
i do get to see the beloved bethy soon though, and i will be in the same city as k-buh and skoops, along with FINALLY being in the same city (let alone state!) as guero. it has been a long time coming... i mean, long-distance is fun and all...ok so actually it's not fun, at all. this week will be the hardest for us yet but after building this kind of foundation, we're basically indestructable.
why is it that knowing all of the awesomeness that will occur after this week doesn't make this week any easier? if anything, it seems harder now.
i have a meeting with a professor tomorrow to discuss the fulbrights scholarship i'm considering applying for (it's a big deal, and i'm not sure i want to dedicate hours of time to something i probably won't even get) but if i do decide to do this, that would move spain to january. jennica, what are you going to do for the 6 months-ish between graduating college and going to spain? good question. i was thinking new mexico actually...

worked this morning, had class, had practicum at southwest in which our teacher informed us we were having a pop quiz...as teachers...(aka here ready? teach this!), ran some clothes to sal's, got some shtuff at barnes and noble for kaitlin's birthday and for my...birthday...whatever, i do what i want, tried to get a harness at moose's tooth but they didn't have my size, set up apartment viewings for friday at 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5:15pm, 6pm, and 7pm. holy moly. deposited a lot of cash, ended up getting a money market account and a credit card too, cool huh (the banker who took my cash said i had too much money in my non interest earning account haha), returned a stellar movie, went to another class, glazed my ceramic tea pots, went grocery shopping, and made a tuna salad with avacado that goes into a pastry puff - i've never had a puff, it just sounded cool so i made it. looks cool to. and it's only 9pm
what's left?
a 20 page paper, of which i have 8 done...
a spanish translation of an article in english with words i don't even know in my own language (whatever that is)
a poster...crap i was gonna get that today. poo
a lesson plan or two
trying to clean up my computer
trying to clean up jm's house for the realtor (thank goodness for moms huh)
trying to keep myself from daydreaming about things to come
not crying
not answering any more calls from student athletes
consolidating
finishing a sped paper that's forever long and apparently not long enough (?!)
reading 3 articles on writing in the foreign language classroom and applying them to my research
trying to read kaitlin's present before i give it to her in true best friend form
breathing
oh breathing is good...
busyness is overrated but getting a ton of things done feels good sometimes. especially when they're little things that i can do by myself.
kaitlin i hope you don't read this before your birfday, but if you do that's ok -
6 word memoirs - hemingway wrote a story in 6 words -- for sale: baby shoes, never worn
what would my 6 word memoir be?
today it would be: always living inside my own head

california said no.
i think i was hanging on to it too tightly and it became my everything
but God, i wanted it.
so badly.

so, had the procedure in omaha, and guess what? i still have crohn's. it could have been a lot worse, but basically mr. thaddius crohns is a very grumpy fellow. not really sure where to go from here - knowing what the problem is is one thing, fixing it is another... I'm just waiting until my next iv infusion next tuesday to see if that helps. which it will, if for no other reason than i get the morning off of school and i get to sleep extra and be out of it all day with a completely valid excuse. i hope that my arms heal by then - at least one of them, because they're both bruised and sore from ivs.
I feel fine now, but only time will tell what that really means and if I'm actually ok. In any case, I loved getting to spend some time with my parents, both of whom rock. Mom helped me down the disgusting pineapple medicine the night before, and dad drove me back and took me out for supper today. I can't imagine getting through all of this without their support. Mikey was great too - calling to check up, make sure I was ok, hear the results, and make me laugh as always. I get to see him in 6 days, which is of the utmost awesomeness.
I went on a cleaning rampage tonight - well, I tried to go to class, but that really wasn't working out and my teacher told me to go home, I think I was still really drugged up, but I felt fine haha. don't worry, I took the bus.
So instead, I spent the last 2.5 hours cleaning, OCD style. throwing things away, cleaning out drawers, filing papers, color coding my shoes, throwing away pens that don't work. i feel good now, like i can think. and the vacuum cleaner is fixed (thanks dad!).
ok peej is here and i need to catch up
more later
p.s. kaitlin and i are hanging out soon and that makes me so stoked i cannot even explain it!!

this is my 50th post. please mail me a present for congratulations. fruit baskets are highly encouraged.
so, my weekend was interesting to say the least. thursday I ended up in the er with severe pain - yup, you guessed it. crohn's. again. lindsay, my freaking savior, basically carried me to the hospital, trying to inform the nurse why it was that i didn't need a wheelchair (stubborness, mostly) and stayed with the me the majority of thursday night, along with other close friends. As soon as the iv was started and i was given some morphine and could breathe, it was actually a rather enjoyable experience (and not just because of the morphine, though i'm told i was quite entertaining) i am so lucky to have friends who can make me laugh no matter what my circumstance. The kind doctors in the er however also noticed how much fun i was having and decided that to fully enjoy my visit i should stay the night... i finally was released friday early evening (the windows were locked so escaping was not an option) and i feel better.
sidenote - i stayed in the maternity ward and there is a shaken baby video that they show on the hour every hour. i felt like a horrible person and i've never even shaken a baby.
however, because of the awesomeness and severity of this disease, i am due for more tests this week and another iv treatment next week. i can't say that i'm really excited, but i do get to see my parents, and mikey is coming home for thanksgiving, so i don't have that much to complain about.
i will say that the remainder of the weekend made up for the whole hospital nonsense. I had a blast and did 20 minutes of homework. (please note the direct correlation between the amount of fun had and the amount of homework done). guero and I made the most of the craziness that was this weekend, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
I am getting closer and closer to leaving, (45 days!)and that's amazingly wonderful and terribly scary and unbelievably sad at the same time. i love the friends that i have made here over the past four years and part of me will always be with them here, but i will suffocate if i stay here much longer. The good things in life are good because they're rare and i would hate to overstay my welcome here. besides, do you have any idea how amazing the climbing is out in california?!
so then it's still looking like california until june, maybe a trip to india for a month or so, and then spain in September to teach. but, then again, i don't even know what i'm having for supper, so don't hold me to any of that. speaking of supper, i am on nothing but clear liquids tomorrow. jello anyone?
pray that i find time to balance finishing out school well while still finding time to spend with the friends that have become my family here. p.s. if you are one of those friends, let's get together soon. you can bring me jello :)

unsad post

so since half of the point of this blog is to actually say what's going on, here's what's going on. my apologies for the utterly depressing state of the previous couple blogs.
1. i had a freaking blast in wyoming. beginning to end, amazing.
2. san diego is still up in the air, but i will fight to the death for it. i find out november 17th hopefully.
3. honors thesis is slowly strangling me but i'll be so glad to be done with it...if i ever am...done...with it.
4. i haven't had time to climb or swim in forever and it's driving me crazy - the worst part is i don't really see my load lightening up at all until christmas. boo.
5. i have found that because of my busy schedule, i know longer have time to be embarrased or worried about what people think of me. i think that's great.
6. i am absolutely loving ceramics right now. it may or may not be my saving grace. having 6 mandatory hours a week to play with clay... i mean, who wouldn't love that?
7. i would like to find a bible study. mine broke. or at least is taking a break.
8. bethy leaves soon, and i'm trying not to think about it because i don't really have time to cry and because she's not gone yet. i get to see her next weekend and that equals awesome.
9. teddy and nora and drew and elise this weekend. my favorites. ever. - hopefully we can pick up where we left off in the wizard of oz - drew was getting pretty into it and elise just likes to find pictures of dorothy :)
10. listening to "everything is illuminated" in my car. i've already read it but i wanted to hear it. i wish i could drive more places. need any errands run? no...seriously.
11. met with the man in charge of a teaching job in spain - he says i'm pretty much in. starts in september, and i could probably live in or close to bilbao. go team.
12. i am strongly considering the option of traveling to india for six weeks this summer. and my strongly considering i mean i would freaking love to and will do anything i can to make it happen.
13. i'm healthy minus freaky remicade side effects, which suck, but at least i'm not dead.
14. i was observing a sped class yesterday and they were talking about "if i were president.." and the teacher was explaining the tax break and asking students what they would do with a couple extra thousand dollars. the answer? build a secret passageway. duh. what else is there to do?! this is why i want to teach.
15. kaitlin and i had one of the best conversations ever and i can only remember bits and pieces of it - but i wish i'd written it down. speaking of which, skoops, your letter is coming, i promise... i'm just...underwater right now.... haha
hope this helps, ma

please know that i'd like to fill this page with thoughts of you.

"out of the overflow of the heart come the words of the mouth,"
and i've yet to fill my own soul with anything but to-do lists
let alone hold onto another heart
but i'm trying

please know that i really did mean to go today,
to turn in the paper, take the test, meet with the prof, answer all your questions, and eat a balanced meal.
but i've had enough of academia, thanks.

please know that i did mean to call.
all i hear is a busy signal, and you can't hear me screaming.
if it's not happening tomorrow i can't see it. and sometimes even then it's a blur
i skip one to make up another, and at the end of the day i'm still lost,
sitting on my window, inhaling hazy numbness
because it's the only thing that makes sense
please know i don't normally smoke.

please know i love you,
let it be the undertone of all of my actions
despite these coming weeks of autopilot and formalities
i'm addicted to our reality of magnetic words and wood stoves
and i will fight
but please know i'm tired and i'm sorry if i cannot quite reach the finish line

not a suicide note

i sucked at life today...


sometimes Reality cuts deep, serrated edge digging through ideals and dreams.
i pray for numbness to sink in, until the sight of my own blood no longer turns my stomach
and the sound of the blade becomes nothing but white noise
too tired to fight Her, too scared to quit; frozen.
shards of heart and soul fall around me. i am raining.
i remind myself that i was carrying too much anyway...
i dare not pick up the pieces. i dare not let Her know how deep Her cuts wound me.
so i run. to drown out her voice screaming of my failures and shortcomings
i run to delay the stabs of Her sword; or to quicken my loss of red liquid life
to let the gashes begin to scab over on top of already scarred skin.
i run because it's the only thing that will keep my body from collapsing under Her weight
no time to catch my breath. i quit breathing. i will not let her win.
my death will be my own.

this is my last day in san diego and everything in me is screaming to stay. something about this place feels right, and my heart aches at the thought of leaving. knowing that i will be back in 73 days is all that is keeping me afloat.
on the phone all morning with eastlake high, the district, UNL peeps, and of course my mother trying to get my student teaching set up. and it's a nightmare - buti t's worth it if it means moving out here and being with people i love. you know the saying "everything good is worth fighting for" well that person should be shot. twice. in the elbow. it's unnecessary, really, and just plain annoying. i'm nowhere near giving up but this sure could be hella easier. I will say one thing - this has me on my knees on more than a daily basis and for that i am grateful. if it takes all this nonsense to keep me humble before my creator, i'm down. (but seriously Lord, give me a break, please?)
God has been opening my eyes to the fact that it's not about me - it never has been. and i know that sounds so freaking elementary but it needs to be my constant reminder. I so often find myself asking God to fit my needs, fill in my gaps, and create my happy ending and life is so much bigger than that. I'm fighting the urge to regain my independence from Christ. Life makes no sense without him...
This trip has been amazing - just what i needed. It's like a sneek preview of what is to come, and it has given me the strength and courage to fight for it.

and it begins...
running full speed ahead in one direction with all that you are and then suddenly you hear someone yell "STOP!" and you turn and look and by the time you figured out who was shouting and whether or not you believe them, you forgot which way you were running in the first place; the truth is, no one actually knows which way is up and those who do are so much farther ahead of you they don't bother to let you know or they're too scared that they might be wrong and have to start over themselves; it's not really a competition because everyone is losing something all the time; and you can't exactly see where you are because by the time you figure that out, you are inevitably somewhere else entirely if not someone else entirely; and looking ahead does no good because to look ahead you must know where you are; most have resorted to running around completely blindfolded which I can't really say is a a bad idea at this point; and corporate is screaming in my ear so loudly devouring my own voice which may or may not have been right in the first place; money is the least of my concerns yet the first thing i'm forced to consider; and it's a shame that we spend so much of our lives stumbling, so much of our lives wishing we were somewhere else or worrying that what we have won't last when really there is no right direction to begin with; isn't it the lost that have the most fun anyway, but only after they realize that they are lost can they really lose themselves and experience life; and they say that living natural is the way to go; but what if nature provided me with a weakness strong enough to kill and the only way to fight it is to lose myself once every 8 weeks to the needle and then again in the late hours of the night ravaged in pain when the thoughts of my own soul mix with those that have been injected some time earlier and the combination of the two is always deadly and i can hear it screaming "you'll never make it out alive" and sometimes I don't care and sometimes i talk back but the voice from inside is always louder and i know i'm not strong enough to fight it; and i'm not even sure it would be wise to fight against myself; either way i lose a piece of who i am in the struggle; as if the struggle itself were not enough; if i haven't lost it who i am to these pills and infusions already; and i know the drugs were for my own good; to make me whole; better; but then why do i feel this itching under my veins and why do my thoughts landslide like i never remember them doing before i began this dangerous path; sliding up a slippery slope only to realize that i have forgotten my silver shoes at the bottom; and i can't say that i'm surprised because having this work out would be something that only happens in fairy tales and i'll be damned if my life has ever resembled that of a fairy tale; and the minute it does i hear someone yell "it's time for dinner" but what they really mean is "don't think you are any different from the rest of us. don't think you will ever be anything more than clone." but i really didn't need the call today, i could've done without the meeting, and i didn't really ask for her advice, but thanks anyway; they say don't worry but what they mean is quit trying and give up on your dream because life's too short for anything but mediocre and i wonder if they could only hear what they are saying if they would change their minds; i can see myself stumbling around in between average and mundane and it scares me so badly i'd rather not stumble at all; but staying here is not an option if i want any chance of a life; and i'm running out of options faster than i can run out of this town; i'm terrified of losing what i have but even more terrified of not being enough for you; and you say these things now and i believe you more than i believe myself; you are all i have to hang on to and i'm gripping you with all the strength that i can find in this feeble body; but i cannot help but wonder when you will change your mind; when it will become too hard and the wieght of the responsibility of adulthood will guttle us both and we'll be left as nothing but a shell and with no one but me to blame for chasing that unattainable dream in the first place; i should have shut up and sat down like they told me to; and i know it doesn't mean much but this voice is the only one i have and i feel my vocal chords wearing thin from the screaming and i can't decide if it would be better to shut up now and save what voice i have left or if i should keep screaming until it's over.

you know how some days, you just know it'll all work out? that eventually, at the end of it all, you will still be standing? I had that this weekend. and my reasons are threefold.
1. mom and pops were here, showering me with love and much needed items for which i do not have sufficient cash flow.
2. no work on saterdays. how glorious is that?! i mean, not work of any kind, is a necessary activity on saterdays. not tutoring, not homework, not mentoring, not anything that even rhymes with work.
3. i saw nora and the family this weekend, for a very limited time, but i got to hang with them nonetheless. elise, who is three, actually used the word "beneath." what a rock star, and drew, who just had his 6th birthday (indiana jones themed, of course) informed me that emporers are better than kings because they have more than one kingdom. and that praying mantises only eat live things (cool huh!) i love them all so very much...
oh, and 4 which i just remembered is that guero is coming up for my birthday!! and he didn't try to surprise me with it! that's doubleplusgood!
finished "water for elephants," but i'm still chewing on it in my head, good read. now i'm halfway through a "heartbreaking work," a third of the way through "girl, interuppted," and just started "3 cups of tea."
things are coming together, just like they always would. it seems so silly to me now that i worry about things, because worrying is one of the most unproductive things you can do... in every sense of the word. the trip to san diego is coming together, i'm back on track with classes, and most of my students are passing their classes. i know that i'm busy and i wouldn't mind slowing down, but everything i do is the best thing ever, and as draining as it all is, it's all so very real and close to my heart. I did turn down a mentoring job, which totally killed me (yeah mom, be impressed but i had to call when they were closed and leave a message so i wouldn't get suckered into doing it anyway) but i knew that one more thing on my plate and i wouldn't have the energy to enjoy or remember any of what i'm doing now.

just had the urge to erase all of this because i know that as soon as i post this, some crisis will occur and i will find myself upside down yet again wondering where it all went when it was all in my grasp the moment before, but i'll take it. this is where i am now, and His mercy is new every morning.

so tonight, i breathe in peace

inside jokes, anyone?

oh it was glorious. climbing all weekend in colorado was so very much exactly what i needed it and wanted it to be...minus a couple scary falls. it was good for my heart to see friends and not have to work or worry about the shenanigans that are happening back home, not that there weren't any shenanigans that took place in colorado, you crazy climbers. If it weren't true before, Lindsay is still one of my very favorite people in the world, and not just because of her mad dance skills. she made this trip unforgettable :) my main man guero was there too, and i'm only mad that i only get the chance to see him on trips like these. he speaks and writes truth like very few people i know, and it reminds me of what's real.

linds, this is for you: "I'd rather die than be doing this" "My thing broke your thing. possiblity?" and "I thought three person tent meant two person sleeping bag!"

and now i'm back here at life, but i secretly don't care (yes kaitlin, just like i'm secretly going to break the space time continuum). i mean, whatever happens happens and i can either freak out or have fun stumbling through this semester. wait, does my team have stumbling? if not, i'm calling it now, guero. you guys can have tripping. p.s. have fun with your refrigeration and ice when we have water...HA! and i officially decided, or rather, unofficially decided that i'm done labeling things. it is what it is, and i'm ok with that. things begin and things end and i can accept the things i have or fight against them. i'd rather fight for the voiceless and broken than for my own want to have a clean and organized life. there are more important things in life than this, and i'm fine with that. there are more important things in life than me, and i'm more than fine with that.

booked a trip out to san diego, so it's really happening! I'm going to miss my peeps here, but i know that this world is too big for me to stay here much longer. I leave for good in three months, and i'm actually ok with that.

life is crazy once again, but i'm no longer concerned with my sanity. it's overrated anyway. besides, sane people don't have nearly as much fun, right ma? haha just kiddin'.

sad thoughts:
1. i feel like every time i get a chance to catch my breath it all starts again and i'm right back at the beginning tripping over my own feet trying to keep up. as soon as one thing gets done another one starts. The minute i get in a full 8 hours of sleep one night i get 2 the next.
2. i wish i could say that i can see things slowing down but frankly i have a feeling that is as slow as things will ever be in my life. the minute i become responsible for more than just my own life i will lose even more ground. actually i'm thinking it might be easier to just hurry up and do the family thing so i can quit being dissapointed in what i do and don't get done and i can focus on something other than my own problems and instead focus on those closest to me.
3. and i know it's not about getting it all done but about being at peace but i've forgotten what that even feels like. and i either have time to do the things that are due the next day or the things that are ultimately important to get me where i want to go, but i can't seem to juggle both. It's either the spanish quiz for tomorrow or looking up high schools in san diego that accept student teachers, but never both. urgency and importance are vying for my attention and i'm losing my grip on everything the tighter i hang onto it.
4. july of 06 i wrote:
Life is only 80 years long. That’s it. that’s as long as I have. I must figure out what is important in life and focus on it always ,every day, or it will all be worthless. So where does this leave me? What if he’s not real? How do I live life to the fullest? If this is really it. how do I keep from getting lost in the details of the to do lists, the every-day routine? How do I force myself to remember that this is life. That this is everything. This is my one and only chance to do, be anything
and i'm still wondering exactly how to go about keeping the big picture in mind when all these details are pulling at me from every direction.
5. I am way behind on my honors thesis, which wouldn't be a big deal except, well, it's a big deal.
6. I'm losing touch with some of the things that i love to do and some of the people that i just plain love because of time and money. Two things that should never keep you from doing what you love.
7. I miss Mikey. a lot. phone calls just don't cut it sometimes.
8. My eyes are doing that thing where they are burning for no other reason than to try and convince you to go to sleep even though you know you have a million things to do before tomorrow and if you close your eyes now it will never get done. But you have no way to tell this to your eyes so they just keep burning hoping that you'll eventually give up and just give in and freaking sleep.
9. "he reaches out and he takes my hand. Little does he know that he's holding a corpse. "Baby, he says 'what's wrong' 'baby' i say, 'where do i start' I am broken. I am sick. My body's ravaged. i am not me anymore." -song #2
10. I'm always 2 inches away from quitting, falling, failing, losing, being lost, being overlooked, missing out, oversleeping, overstepping, and underachieving.


less- sad thoughts
1. Yoga
2. Reading Water for Elephants
3. Recording an album of my own stuff
4. rice crispies with honey (seriously, uh-mazing)
5. not being dead
6. Reading A heartbreaking work of staggering genius
7. going climbing next weekend
8. one week mark of being out of the er
9. Reading I and Thou
10. god is sovereign, always.

holy shit (sorry mom) i did it. album. done. 10 songs. me, in music. beautiful.

I'm running on empty and my mind is a complete blank despite the myriad of things I have going on now. I was in the er again. this weekend. I don't really know what to say about it other than it sucked, as usual. Another cat scan, another dose of iv steroids and narcotics, another lecture from the doctors, another scare, another series of what if's and now what's. I can't decide if I'm healthy or sick, and there seems to be no in between. I'm trying to get by until my next iv infusion... in 2 weeks...after the climbing trip to shelf.
I record my album in...3 days. and i'm not ready. life has happened and once again i'm falling behind, tripping on my own steps to catch up. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, and disappointed. I'm all sorts of out of it, and haven't been able to climb or swim since monday (aka too long). I'll have an hour to climb today, but it's "far from ideal" to quote a friend of mine.
School is insane, as is work, as is practicum. I have random half hours of time throughout the day (usually two, three if i'm lucky) in which i'm required to do the hours of homework, housework, and life work that have piled up. this is my last semester here, and it wasn't supposed to be like this, story of my life.

please don't ask me to save you

I can see that you're drowning but alas I cannot seem to reach you, for you see, I too am drowning.

I can't quite accept that it's over. Not yet. Not until I've cried him out of my veins. Not until the marrow of my very bones has been sucked dry and I have etched the pieces of what we could have been into every tear that travels down my cheek. Not until I have scraped him from the inside of my heart. Not until I have erased his scent, his aura from every fiber of my being. Not until I can inhale and exhale without feeling him in every breath I take. Not until my heartbeat stops beating to the rhythm of "I miss him" and "I'm so sorry." Not until I quit hearing him in every song, seeing him in every stranger, always out of the corner of my eye, always right behind me, always out of reach. Until I look. And realize it's not him. It's never him. It's never going to be him, again.

You are a miracle, but that is not all.
You are also a stiff drink, and I am on call.
You are a party, and I am a school night
I'm looking for my door key but you are my porch light
And you'll never know dear just how much I loved you
You probably think this is just my big excuse
But I stand committed to a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is just one of my truths.

-ani difranco, school night.

this week is insane and if i survive i would like a personal congratulations from... winston churchill. yup. that's right. p.s. the sole purpose of this blog is to vent so don't hope to gain any deep insight into my life from this other than my schedule. today should be fine, it's tuesday that will put me on my knees begging for mercy. i am tutoring 5 different students, maybe 6, for an hour each. plus class and other meetings with advisors. i know it's my job, but i can complain about it if i want to. it's just exhausting to teach one-on-one for an hour, let alone 5. "i love my job i love my job i love my job i love my job..."
another thing i'd like to say:
you know how your nose itches if someone is thinking about you? well, if you take allergy medicine to make it stop, does that mean that they can't think about you anymore? yeah, that's right. those are the kind of questions i have. every day. this is how i keep my sanity, so don't start with me.
i'm going to go take some allergy medicine. so don't even try to think about me. your best efforts will not stand a chance against the mighty power of claritin.
p.s. so i'm not going crazy, right? ... guys???

holy long blog batman!

This growing up thing is finally happening... I can see it right around the corner and there are so many people behind me running in the same direction that I can't turn around and fight the mob. And these people, these counselors and teachers and future jobs and future plans and future savings account and future family are all pulling at me and now I can't remember why I was running so hard in this direction in the first place. Why oh why was I ever in a hurry to grow up? and how do i stop now? we got our packet assignments today for student teaching... and this is the real thing. as soon as february i start applying for a real job. w.t.f. seriously, i didn't ask for this. And I realize that whatever i end up doing will by no means be a boring grown up job - at least not yet, but for the love of all things righteous and holy, why is this all happening now?
and, i'm sick, to top it off. not crohn's sick, but remicade sick, which is different, but still equally unfun. started reading "only revolutions" so making up words is totally allowed. i feel like i got ran over by a cement truck. twice. tomorrow is friday at least, that is my saving grace at this point. nora and teddy and the kids are coming over for supper tomorrow - hooray! not sure i'll have the energy for that, but i need it :) it's the least i could do for them for all that they've done for me!
swam a mile today. felt so good. i never think i'll have the energy to finish it during the first 800 or so and then somehow it gets done! it was especially exhausing today though, i can tell my body is getting weak, which is weird considering i'm gaining weight... i guess i'm not complaining as long as i'm out of the hospital.
is it a sign of maturing that you can be so close to god in some areas of your life and completely miss the boat in others? jenn and i were talking about that - how in some areas of our life we are right on and can hear god and are in step with him, but in others it's like we cannot seem to do anything right- i remember when i used to be hot or cold for god, and now i feel like i might be learning to be a little more stable.
tutoring a ton of student athletes - and i love it. if i could, i'd just tutor english and spanish all the time working with students one on one or in small groups. it's the way to go! not sure if i want to apply for a job just yet, which is fine because teaching at lps wouldn't start until october anyway so i have time to turn it down if i want - but it would only be one day a week after school and at 18 dollars an hour... not sure i'll be wanting to turn that down! plus, i haven't work with elementary kids in a couple months- i miss those boogers
i wonder if crying would make me feel better. you can never tell if it will make you feel better or worse until after you start and i think i might be too tired to try. but i'm not too tired to fall asleep watching pirates of penzance. what's that? you've never heard of the greatest musical comedy of all time? well, you should go rent it. if you can find it. i found it at the library... the lord was watching out for me that day haha :)
glorious saturday, oh i'm psyched. why? i have nothing planned, minus lunch. i can do lunch.
what will end up happening on saturday:
renew drivers license
change car oil
read article for class
take notes for spanish stylistics
email advisor
write out essay
deal with unknown crisis that will come up friday night
spend a couple hours rating student samples
plan out english lesson
read
laundry
walgreens
climb!
finish ceramics assignment...wait it's closed saturday. sunday?
yikes that's it. i'm getting stressed just thinking about it and blogging is supposed to be a destressing activity. .crap. let's see.. ponies... yeah.....i like ponies.

"your life feels like the morning after, all year long. This is not your year" - The Weepies


constellations spell out destinies
i turn my head because i know
ignorance is bliss
i refuse to accept the cards i've been given
i'd rather overturn the table than cash in my chips.
and fate chases me down
i'm running, eyes closed and screaming
toward a place where this broken body builds skyscrapers
made of orange casanovas and forget-me-nots.
and fate chases me down
i am not

alone

is all i am.

i don't have time to write, but i'll die if i don't.
i have no idea if i did the right thing. I can't help but feel that this decision is going against everything that i stand for, to put it in the words of ewin mcgregor, "truth, beauty, freedom, and above all else, love." When did I become logical? Since when do I put rational thought above my own feelings?! I refuse to become hard-hearted. the pain is real, I know that, but is it necessary? I think I might have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. And I'll always wonder what could've been. And i know that that's not how life is meant to be lived, but isn't it better to wonder what could've been than to be indifferent to what was? The only hope I have to hang on to is knowing that I can only see so much from where I am, and sometimes He requires that we trust despite our every feeling. And as much as I'd like to say this is logic, it's really my gut, my spiritual instinct and self-discipline telling me to be wise despite my feelings. It's living on what I know that I know that I know despite what I see or feel. But that doesn't mean my heart isn't screaming.
I'm so sorry, for what it's worth.
jen

don't read this

what i'm learning:
1.boundaries are one of the strangest gifts that we have been given. From the inside looking out all they do is hinder and restrict but from the outside looking in they protect and guard. i'm not one for boundaries for many reasons, but am learning the hard way that boundaries are what allow us to get so close to people without losing ourselves in them. people are meant to come and go. if they weren't then we wouldn't be able to move. life is fluid and so are people but boundaries are constant and must remain that way for our own sake.
2. there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. and it's not a great thing. it's the rarity of events, the uniqueness of situations that make them special and wearing them out causes them to lose their meaning and luster. there's a reason we don't walk around in prom dresses and tuxedos.
3. i carry stress and anxiety in my shoulders, or at least that's what my yoga instructor told me.
4. family trumps friends. always. not because they're better or closer to you, but because they share your blood, and that should be enough.
5. sean, i think you are an infj. seriously, check it out.
6. if i don't do the things i've always wanted to do now, they won't get done.
7. i caught a glimpse of the lord's compassion for the lost today and it literally took my breath away. i was praying to see the world through his eyes and i was overtaken by grief. i heard the screaming of the lost and alone and i saw the pain in the eyes of the dejected and hopeless and it killed me. i know that it would be impossible to live life in that state, seeing and hearing the cries of the lost, but i pray that i will never underestimate the value of a human being's soul.
8. life is much more fun when you quit looking around to see people's reaction to you and just be who you are. it's not about being right; it's about being. and i think that sometimes i'm so afraid of not being one hundred percent on, not being perfect, that i actually refuse to be anything at all and end up missing out on valuable opportunities.
9. rice crispies taste much better with honey.
10.

you shall above all things be glad and young

you shall above all things be glad and young
For if you're young,whatever life you wear

it will become you;and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become.
Girlboys may nothing more than boygirls need:
i can entirely her only love

whose any mystery makes every man's
flesh put space on;and his mind take off time

that you should ever think,may god forbid
and (in his mercy) your true lover spare:
for that way knowledge lies,the foetal grave
called progress,and negation's dead undoom.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
-ee cummings

you know how sometimes real life, - real, raw, gritty life hits you in the face, knocks the wind out of you, and makes you see, if only for a second... what it's all about? and it kills you and thrills you at the same time. i'm too afraid to move but too scared to stay where i am. i can see this only ending in tears.
i'm there.
now.

so i'm way behind on this blog, what's new... i've been without internet for the past week, and without running water or electricity for the past 5 days. Went out to wyoming on a climbing trip and had the time of my life on several accounts. i'm addicted to climbing, i love the rush, and just the company. i love primitive camping (and i love showering a million times once i get home). i love taking walks in the middle of nowhere. i love the sound of rushing water putting me to sleep. i love pushing myself farther than i have before. i love learning new things. i love defying gravity. i love fighting up a wall because i can't fight against my disease. speaking of fighting against my disease, i took remicade today. yeah, i know. the thing that i've been killing myself trying to avoid since january. had somewhat of a breakdown last night...this morning..whatever. i keep thinking that this is me giving up - that i should've tried harder, that i missed something, but i think that this is just me fighting with everything that i have. besides, i was overdue for an i.v. let's be honest- i was starting to get itchy haha. things are somewhat back to normal, if anything in my life can ever be classified as normal. school starts on monday, for which i am ill prepared to say the least. got books today - only three, shouldn't be too bad, and practicum doesn't start until a couple weeks after school does. no job yet, i'm too busy trying not to die. it's on my list though. wrote a song, or at least finished one that i've been working on for a while. i'm happy about it. i never know what a song is about until i'm done writing it and then it hits me... i like that. heading to omaha tomorrow and friday to see some friends and mom - as much as i wish she could've been here for all this nonsense i'm glad she wasn't. india is cooler than nebraska. always. i can't wait to hear about her trip! i'm learning more and more that my mom is not your average mom and i really am grateful for that - i think it makes me not your average person and i'm ok with that. i feel like i should say that if this blog seems to be random or out of order, it's because i'm on drugs. again. speaking of drugs, again, i'm on steroids, again. until at least two months from now. wanna know what i think about that? i bet you do, but i'm trying to restrain myself. roid rage is very dangerous so i'm trying not to think about it. time has been in the strangest mixture of standstill and speed-of-light combination i can imagine. i can't believe i was out camping and climbing for five days but at the same time i feel like i've been gone for a year. not to mention today - i have no idea of today was 2 hours or 200 hours long, chances are it was neither :) feels strange though. spent most of the day...all of the day by myself. that always throws me off - i feel super weird after too much alone time, not to mention strange iv drugs. talked to the boys today - all three of them :) dad's been way way cool about this whole thing, and mike was being his badass self, jm was as calm as ever, nothing i wasn't expecting. i love my boys. i miss them too... i feel like crying is no longer a strange overflow of emotions but a break from regular activity. i've cried so much lately i forget that i'm crying until i see the tear stains. not that that's a bad thing - i don't mind really, it's just funny that what is a big deal sometimes is as normal as breathing other times. i'm really not sure where i'm going with this blog, other than trying to update as much as possible. supposed to see jared this weekend too - not sure how that's going to work with omaha and whatnot... it will figure itself out. i'm really to emotionally and mentally and physically shot to worry about it and that's a good thing. i do wish i was climbing outside, despite my total lack of energy. oh yeah, hemoglobin was 9. that's a sucky number for hemoglobin, for those of you who don't know. i was pretty bummed about that because that means that my tiredness on a scale of one to ten is greater than five and there's nothing i can do about it besides sleep a crapton which i'd rather not do especially when my number of free days is so limited. i get another dose of remi-goodness in 2 weeks... shouldn't take quite as long, but there it is. my life. it's different, going into the hospital for an appointment. i think i like it better than the er. but the er smells much more important and...urgent. i should probably stop writing before this blog gets any longer. i will say that i had one of the most refreshing spiritual conversations with a near stranger and it saved my life. so thanks for that, stranger. i forget how important it is to remember the supernatural. alright i'm stopping now while i'm ahead? if i even am ahead. p.s. don't ever ask me to do drugs with you. i will say no. i think i've done enough drugs to last me 4 lifetimes. besides, drugs are for fools.

jenn and i are happily settled into our new apartment, thanks to jenn's hardcore cleaning and organizing skills! feels good to be box free- aside from the rest of ryan's stuff which will go soon too. i didn't realize how far away from campus we were until now - as soon as i get my tires fixed, i plan on riding to campus as often as possible. it's maybe a mile - not bad at all.
last day of steroids was monday...and my body definitely knows it. withdrawal is pretty bad, but it helps knowing or at least hoping that this is the last set of withdrawal symptoms i'll have to go through! I was pretty sick wednesday and not feeling too hot at all today - but i'm hanging in there, anything to avoid the hospital again. i'm not sure what adrenal failure feels like besides extreme fatigue, but i don't think i have it. i mean, i am freaking tired but that's partly because i'm working 8 to 4 and then climbing or swimming for an hour or so afterward. naps have become an irreplaceable part of my day - i hope that i will still have time for them once school starts (aka i won't have time for them but should...) it's probably going to be either climbing/swimming or a nap...and life's too short to sleep. i know i say that now and i'll probably change my mind once the mayhem of the semester begins...
you know you've been around internationals too long when you can't read a book without hearing an accent of it in your head haha. i do love my job, as exhausting as it is, and i will be sad when it's over next thursday. it's a strange phenomenon - when you put a group of people through the same strenuous experience, how close they become. haven't applied for anything else during the fall semester - part of me is not sure i'll be well enough to keep a job, but i guess it wouldn't hurt to look, if for no other reason than to raise my morale haha.
climbing trip is next thursday! i'm most definitely excited. i don't even care if i fall a million times or don't even make it up; the sheer fact that i'll be outside with no contact to the world as i know it will be enough for me. i plan on getting some serious reading/writing done - but i guess we'll see what happens.
finished life of pi and bastard of out carolina this week. both were better than i had thought they would be, but for completely different reasons. i'm one book away from reaching my goal of 25 books for the summer and i only have a couple chapters left of renovation of the heart - go my team :)
kaitlin came up for a day this week. which, coincidentally, was my favorite day this week haha. we went climbing, made brownies, and fell asleep to an old audrey hepburn film. i could do that every day of the week for the rest of my life and be happy. i guess not being able to is what makes it so special though. trying to fit in a trip to omaha to visit kaitlin and krista before school starts.
what climbing has taught me about my faith:
1. inertia - the law applies to both. it is harder to do what you have not done before or have not been doing in a while. the more times you do something, the more natural and easier it becomes. the same goes for a route as for a spiritual discipline (fasting, meditation, worship, acts of service...)
2. you are as capable as you allow yourself to be. attitudes of self-defeat are not only not helpful but actually hinder your ability to accomplish a goal, whether it be spiritual or physical.
3. the best way to improve yourself is to associate yourself with people who have the characteristics that you wish to see in your own life. if i want to be a better climber, i must listen to and hang around good climbers. if i want to be closer to the Lord, I must find and hang out with people who are doing that very thing in their own life.
think that's all for now... not much planned for this weekend (aka it's gonna be a good one) hope to get some reading done, i work sunday, and mikey and courtney are coming up tomorrow for a couple hours! there's a new playground all space age-like beimg built a couple blocks from my house i'd like to explore - let me know if you're game :) i'm sure climbing and swimming and naps and reading will all be in there somewhere too.
good quote of the day regarding the body: "care for it only as it serves god's purposes in your life and the lives of others" - from renovation of the heart. definitely a conviction for me and my vanity... something i'm working on

wow so it's been a while. not sure what all has happened as of late, i guess i'll start with the latest shenanigans. moving. holy crap. so apparently two girls moving into an apartment with two boys whose stuff is still there is not the best idea. it was a war zone here for a good week. it's getting better, slowly. i think i can at least make myself a sandwich if necessary. work is going well - i started my job as a teaching assistant for the international graduate students and i love it. i'm also learning a ton about esl which is the ultimate goal.
climbing and swimming are still high on my agenda, but it's been a little crazy lately. i was in norfolk for a week working with vbs - i had 18 preschoolers! yeah, be jealous. we even made tie-dye shirts. with 4 year olds. man that's brave.
jm had a slam last night - totally rocked. it was also his going away party of sorts - it hasn't really hit me that he's leaving yet, but i don't even see him all that often in lincoln anyway... and now i have an excuse to head out to cali.
can't think of much else of worth. tomorrow's my last day of prednisone (adrenal failure, here i come!) and i'm nervous as all get out. i can feel my body fighting it, but i'm not giving up just yet. school starts in 3 weeks too!! still plugging away on honors research, which is slow going but fun, or as fun as research can be.
this is probably the worst blog i've ever posted. sorry. i promise to make a more emotional, deep, and profound post soon...ish.

alright, first things first. i must confess. i am addicted. to climbing. yeah, i know it sounds lame, but the addiction is real my friends. i spent 2 and a half hours bouldering (climbing without a harness). in a garage. 2 of those hours were spent trying to master the exact same move. (which i did finally at 1:45am thank you very much!) my body wishes that i had picked something a little less physically demanding, but i love climbing - the challenge of it, it's a rush, and a chance to push yourself.
16 days left in the drug countdown, 26 if you count withdrawal symptoms. hydrocodone count is up to three so far on 10mg, one of which was this morning. i woke up sick this morning but didn't register that i needed to take something until 2 hours after the pain had started. crohn's 1, jenny 0. however, this is the farthest i've gotten off of steroids since january, and that's a big deal. no trips to the er in i think like 5 weeks! (coincidentally, that's about when i started climbing. hmmmm)
i was up until 2:30 last night just, up. couldn't get my mind to slow down, couldn't stop pacing, talking to myself. i won't claim to know anything about drug rehab, but i seriously feel like a crack addict. i itch under my skin, i see things that aren't there, i can't speak, i can't focus, i can't follow a logical train of thought, I can't hold still for the life of me, my body aches, my hand shake, my head pounds, and for as much of me that is on overdrive there's another part of me that is unbelievably exhausted. i do things that don't make any sense. - i cleaned the top of the fridge yesterday and i hadn't even packed for norfolk... i have no appetite, i'm suspicious of everyone, i just don't feel like myself. last night i swear i saw black ink seeping into jenn's room from the walls...then again i also thought i saw blue scorpions running around outside in the rain last night. don't ask me why they were blue. i feel bad for jenn, poor girl, trying to decipher me and my bizarre behavior.
started packing up my things last night - i leave for omaha tonight, then norfolk saturday until thursday, then i move friday and saturday so i figured i'd get a head start on it. not sure how i'm getting back to norfolk (hopefully sometime thursday), but mom and dad are coming down saturday to help with the big stuff. i'm excited to be out of this apartment, especially considering the fact that last night our dishwasher wouldn't quit spewing water all over the kitchen...
16 days...until i can breathe again

as if i need to really say it, chicago rocked, just like i knew it would. mike worked most of the time i was there which actually gave me time to work on rating the millions of spanish writing samples i have for my honors thesis and i also got in some quality time with his roommates and his girlfriend Courtney. This led to several new experiences, including my first bowl of true indonesian raman (it comes with an oil packet!!) as well as my first ride ever in a convertible. loved it! even the drive home with mike was wonderful, despite the 2 hour delay we had due to the hood mechanism... but if i had to be stuck out in the middle of anywhere, it might as well be with mike. i laughed so hard i cried. twice.
i've been sick twice since i've been down to 10 mg... which is about average. i'm staying on top of it better though - i'm not nearly as hesitant to take narcotics- i've learned that waiting usually leads to the er. i've got 21 days left on these pills from hell, as long as i can stay relatively healthy.
the climbing wall is closed this week, which is not cool at all, but at least i can still swim. i'm leaving for omaha friday for krista's rocking awesome birthday party and then on to norfolk for the week to help out with vbs, which i love. as soon as that's over jenn and i will be frantically moving out and into jm's place. that will be interesting to say the least - he and his roommate aren't out yet since it's not the first of the month... but jenn and i only have that weekend to move, otherwise we work, so that's all we've got. kaitlin moves in in august, so at least it won't be five of us there at once, just four haha like that's so much better. not sure when jm's leaving. not sure if jm knows when jm's leaving. whatev, we'll just deal with it when it comes up. i'm psyched to move out of this apartment, it's been nice, but it'll be great being close to campus especially since i start working on campus that monday!! plus, change is good.
jenn and i met some extraordinary frenchmen last night. they want to open up a french restaurant here in lincoln. sweet. they're cooking for us tomorrow night!! i can't say i've ever had real french food, besides a crepe or two while i was in paris, so i'm excited. plus, they're french, including french manners, french accents, and they're just fun. we could all use a little more french men in our lives.
read educating esme while on the plane to chicago. loved it. made me actually think about switching to elementary ed, but then i remembered that my esl endorsment is good for k-12, so i'm covered. it also made me nervous about teaching - she makes it sound like the hardest thing in the world, which i'm sure it is, and i guess, if something isn't hard, it's probably not worth it. that's the way it seems anyway.
still trying to get through bastard out of carolina, but i think i might have overdosed on young adult lit this summer. i'll try to finish it, but i've got to read something else for a while. still need to finish life of pi too... someday. i'm four books away from meeting my summer goal of 25. go me.
i can't decide if the side effects of steroids are worse than the symptoms of tapering off of them... they both suck, just in different ways. would you rather be "innapropriately happy," frantic, unable to sleep, manic, and overly anxious, or depressed, melancholy, fatigued, suicidal,and sore? hmmmm. at least i'm getting variety right?
this is my last week of real vacation aka nothingness. after this, i won't be able to spend four hours at the rec every day :( i'm going to miss that. i think we'd all be better off if we had four hours a day to be active in something that we love. i am excited about vbs though, i'm sure i'll be ready to come home by thursday, but i haven't been around little kids in way too long. i really should find a solid one day a week babysitting job here in lincoln, if for nothing but my morale's sake.

chicago in four days and counting :) i'm so psyched!!! spending the weekend in good ole norfolk with the rents. this is the first fourth of july that i haven't lit off an insane amount of fireworks. i didn't actually buy any at all this year. i think that means i'm getting old. or poor. or both.
finished 1984, started reading the notebook. talk about opposites. i'm having a hard time making the switch mentally but i'm already halfway through the notebook so that shouldn't be too bad. i've been hearing a lot about these twilight books - i figure i might as well read them and see if i too fall in love with edward the vampire... we'll see. i was pretty wrapped up in the amelia atwater-rhodes series so they've got to be pretty cool to beat those. i actually dreamt last night that i was a falcon shapeshifter (jealous??) it was freaking sweet.
i had a doctor's appointment in omaha this week. i'm still to mad to really talk about it other than to say that it took place. i'm in complete denial at this point (are you still in denial if you recognize that you are in denial??)
lindsay leaves soon - i'm so bummed!! she's been my climbing and swimming buddy all summer... not to mention venting buddy and donut buddy on fridays :) i'm excited for her to be in england but i'll be ready for her to come home to me.
been reading renovation of the heart and listening to some erwin mcmannus sermons... really good for my heart but hard on my head. it takes me a while to get through the material, especially when my brain is going a million miles an hour on all these drugs. but i'm learning a lot - slowly but surely change is coming, and that's refreshing.
not much else to say, if i think if anything profound i'll be sure to let you know. for now, i'm just chillin' until chicago!!!!!!!!!

strange week. finished "knowledge of the holy." still in the middle of "1984" and "Everything is illuminated." Just started "renovation of the heart." feels good to read. always. know what else feels good? swimming. and rock climbing. well, actually rock climbing hurts. a lot. i'm still awkward and not so good at it, but i have fun when i go, so i guess it's worth it :) I still need to get a hold of a chalk bag from somewhere and ebay is not seeming to work with me... hopefully aunty nora can hook me up.
the sickness seems to be taking the back seat for a while - i'm down to 15 mg as of yesterday, and i normally don't get sick until i'm down to 10 so i've got 2 weeks of freedom left :) i can't help but get my hopes up every time... like, maybe this time, i won't get sick, and i'll actually get off the meds and lead a normal life (?!) i know, crazy right? i meet with the doctor next week to discuss the highlights of my illness - i'll let you know how that goes.
still no job for the summer, but i am looking for something i can start in august for the fall semester. it's a little early, but i figure it can't hurt to look. if worst comes to worst i'll pick up a couple shifts at borsports haha just kiddin' i'd rather not. ever. again.
things have been a little...complicated around the house - just mini drama going down, nothing that won't blow over in a couple days, but it does make me mad that i'm so nonconfrontational. it's really disadvantageous in times like this. i do more harm by keeping my mouth shut and swallowing my anger and resentment than i would by speaking a few choice words to give voice to my anger. otherwise it just builds.
woke up at 4am this morning with a stomach ache... probably from the drama going around. got some good reading done though, couldn't sleep. met with lindsay at 7, then crashed. thought about swimming today but i'd better take it easy whatever that entails.
possibly camping tomorrow - we'll see what mr. crohn's has to say about that. he seems to have a lot to say about a lot of things lately.

welp, surprise everyone... i'm sick. again. it started a couple weeks ago with a really rough night in lincoln, then another in denver, and then it just kept getting worse last week. momma bear came and got me from lincoln wednesday (hooray for momma!) where i was passed out on the bathroom floor for most of the day. spent the weekend at home, which i was planning on doing on my own anyway except on my own terms, not doped up on pain medicine. kaitlin still came up for the church campout which was a blast and for the most part, i felt fine during it. we had a lot of fun, tubing, boating, and just chilling out. saterday night i was sick again, and this morning i'm not feeling too hot. again. while i was in norfolk, dad got me hooked up with a ton of alternative medicine stuff- supplements, dietary stuff... we're really hoping this stuff will work. dad's been awesome about finding out alternative treatments - i'm lucky to have parents that care that much about me.
i really don't know how much more of this i can take. it's just exhausting. i feel like i've been running into a brick wall since january. i cannot get myself healthy enough to be off of steroids...and the steroids aren't making me any healthier in the long run. agh! it's just so frustrating. it's like this isn't even my life anymore. i wake up every morning wondering what i will and won't be able to do that day - what my body will be able to handle and how much pain i may or may not be in that day. at least it's summer so i've got close to nothing going on every day, but i absolutely cannot be this sick when the fall semester starts or i'll die. so i've got... 2 months to figure this out. this disease is destroying me- not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, socially.... i'm stunted and nothing makes sense anymore. i'm just so tired of fighting this. i'm trying to be 20, to live life, and i can't. some days i can't even pick myself up off the floor. i just don't know how much more of this i can take. i just don't want to spend any more of my life drugged out of my mind...but what's my alternative, spending my life in unbelievable pain? i'm trying to stay optimistic but i'm not sure how much longer i can hold out- you can only be hopeful for so long before circumstances prove you wrong. i've tried to get off of steroids...4 times now, and each time i've ended up in the er... it just seems illogical to expect anything else this time around. i've got no alternative though - i've got to keep trying, because whatever this is right now is not way to live life and i cannot go on much longer like this.

p.s. i did learn that every once in a while you need to wash your hands clean of some things... or someone.

back from colorado! it was a great trip - not in that I got a lot done or had any kind of life-changing experiences, but in that I just was. I didn't have to worry about anything, I didn't have to be anything for anyone, and nothing was expected of me. It's nice to be in the backdrop sometimes. I met some really great people too, which was a bonus! It was fun just to chill with mom too - we laugh a lot which is good. we're just tight, - i don't have to be anything i'm not around her - including healthy... it sucks that i'm sick but if i have to be sick i'd rather be sick arounnd my mom. that's fo' sho'.
there was a lot of driving that happened and i was ready to be home by friday night, but colorado was a success. i don't think i'd ever like to live there, but it's nice to visit. as of now, i'm planning on moving to san diego in january. that could change, but as of today that's where i am. and kaitlin's down with that too, which is great. cuz who wants to move all the way to a cool place like san diego by themselves?!?
research project is moving along slowly, but it's moving. we're just trying to narrow our focus now since we have so much data and so many places we could go with it. i'm excited to see where it takes us.
rock climbing is proving to be a fun hobby - cool peeps, expensive shoes... i didn't find any on ebay but lindsay says i should try some on first which is a good idea... i just don't want to spend money - it would be worth it though, i know it would. turns out my cousin laura is all about rock climbing too - haha we must be related. first swimming, now this... it would be fun to visit her one of these days. when i have money... which won't happen any time soon it looks like. i have a job, and i got a raise, but i never work... so that's too bad. i'm waiting to hear if anybody needs tutors for their summer classes. i doubt they will but i'm here if they do. nto sure what i'll do to fill the rest of my summer days. i know things will come up -they always do. i don't know why i even plan ahead most of the time.
nora needs a babysitter for the kids this week - their daycare had flood damage, so there's the first couple days of my week. that should give me time to work on the quilt too :) now that my sewing machine is fixed!! the church campout is this next weekend too and i told kaitlin i might come down and chill with her and the wee ones friday - we'll see. something might come up again haha. after that, i have no idea, but things will come up for sure. that's life. i wish i could always be this flexible. why not?? why do we make plans so far in advance?? i mean, i know it's smart and all, but really when do things ever go the way you planned???
finished reading aka listening to american gods, finished the perks of being a wallflower and the secret life of bees in colorado. they rocked. equally, but on completely differently playing fields. i started 1984 today. i think it's going to be a harder read than i thought but im up for the challenge. mom and i might read to kill a mockingbird - she hasn't ever and i wouldn't mind reading it again.
garage sailing today haha get it...sailing... found a potato masher, a pastry cutter, a magnetic word book for kids (great for esl!!!) and an oil lantern. i love garage sailing. plus i didn't have to drive or navigate or do anything and i found the magnetic word book at the first garage sale so i just wrote amazing poems in the back the whole time we were driving around :) life is good today.
time for swimming!
...i wonder what will come up tomorrow...

last week of summer school!! i've got one more class tomorrow and then i have rightfully earned 3 credits in nutrition 100. i'm so glad i didn't take this during the school year.
started reading "me talk pretty one day" - i'll finish it today. it's good - another good read aloud book :) i've got "1984" "the notebook" and "the secret life of bees" waiting for me. i'll pick up a couple from jm hopefully sunday to take with me to denver. oh yeah, did i mention i'm going to denver? not sure why, other than why not. mom's going to do some work with dfn and as of tomorrow at 11:30 i no longer have any obligations in lincoln other than tutoring on mondays. we'll be gone monday through friday - i might stay in norfolk an extra day - we'll see... denver should be a blast. i've got nothing planned other than reading and chilling and eating so as long as those three things happen at least once a day i'll be happy! should be fun to spend some time with momma too - plus we get to drive the mini!!
went to jazz in june for the first time - strange, you'd think i would've gone sooner, but this is my first summer in lincoln i guess... it was a blast - mostly because drew and elise and teddy and nora were there too! drew is learning the art of the the hackey sack - he'll go pro soon. elise and i are basically attatched at the hip whenever i'm around her - and i love every minute of it!! she's still little enough that i don't mind carrying her everywhere or having her crawl all over me when i'm sitting - we even made up our own secret language yesterday (jealous??... you should be!)
swam mucho this week - i'm getting certified to climb today too - that should be interesting considering my legs haven't fully recovered from squats and lunges from tuesday haha i'm such a wimp. i hope i don't get too into climbing where i actually spend money for shoes and whatnot...it's an expensive hobby! i don't plan on getting really good at it - just decent. i'm better underwater anyway, but it is a blast! plus lindsay swims with me and puts up with all my whining so the least i can do is climb with her :)
i realized last night that i'm constantly in this struggle and i can't figure it out exactly - which side is right and which one is fake... it's like i'm this strong woman, a he-woman if you will, capable of destroying souls with the glance of an eye, unwilling to take help from anyone, stubborn, and full of determination and courage. then, suddenly, i become this helpless child, this terrified meek creature who doesn't talk, doesn't do anything that might bring attention to her... and i think i'm both of these things, i just can't control when i switch, and they both have their good and bad sides... i just wish i could keep the good of both. the problem is, when i do become in-control and passionate, i also become stubborn and unable to accept help. the alternative, when i become gently and shy, i also become scared and cut myself off from everyone else around me. i feel like jekyll and hyde. i don't even know what triggers the switch, but i know it's there. every minute of every day i'm fighting both of them, trying to keep myself somewhere in the middle with a balance of audacity and timidity. and then something happens and i lose it - something triggers me and i'm suddenly out of control. it's like trying to be a "white wave" and a "fair maiden" at the same time, i guess my name fits me well.
summer has given me time to think, which is dangerous. i'm loving the storms and i've decided to make it my summer goal to discover the best swingset in all of lincoln. swinging is more fun than anyone will give it credit for.
i'll let you know how colorado goes - it is going to be somewhat of a personal retreat so if i come back with dreads and smelling of jasmine and clay, just leave me alone for a couple days, i'm sure i'll snap out of it..assuming it's not permanent damage.
p.s. quilting and laundry are happening tonight - and that is very good.